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Luminous Strides [Sunku WS]
Back stage
she readies
for a catwalk
Steps out
and dazzles
a crescent smile
Baring
her radiance
with every stride
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Last few words:
This is an attempt to meet the aesthetics of Sunku. Will appreciate to know from readers if I have succeeded or fallen short of expectations in this endeavor...
Editing stage:
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Comments
Sparrow
Fri, 2018-03-02 18:36
Raj,
Just keep an eye on the Syllables as this is part of the structure.
This theme is great and the balance great, I could watch the model walk..
"Stepping out" and "Unveiling" have three syllables, so just a tweak and it will be perfect.
Great write, Yours Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
raj
Sat, 2018-03-03 04:33
Thanks Ian for your comment
Thanks Ian for your comment and pointing out syllable count exceeding in a couple of places... have tweaked it up now
Regards..
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentSparrow
Sat, 2018-03-03 19:43
Raj
Great to be of help and I hope you will enjoy the form it is an invention of Irene's and I like it very much, the feelings come out with less words and the imagination has to work overtime lol.
Go well young man and my love to the family,
Yours as always Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
raj
Sun, 2018-03-04 05:17
Ian
Thanks for dropping by again and for your good words...
Regards..
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentlovedly
Sat, 2018-03-03 04:25
I don't dare
I don't dare
to cat walk
instead of me
guys will
about my syllables
laughingly talk
so come over
never stalk
my face is painted
like white chalk
raj
Sat, 2018-03-03 04:34
Thanks Lovedly for the read
Thanks Lovedly for the read
Regards..
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentlovedly
Sat, 2018-03-03 04:44
so it seems -----o------- master subime
you are about the stage behind
watching through veiled curtains
seeing a cat's whiskers practicing
amen
be at it
till from sub
you become
like red wine
as in
SUNUKUS
u alone
ssssSH I N E
IRiz
Sat, 2018-03-03 21:51
I love your poem.
I love your poem.
I would not worry about count imperfection.
As you know it is secondary.
Important part is that you have created a great energetic and mysterious sunku with a character and sound.
Great write.
Slight imperfection of count is like a little crack on a vase. In Zen tradition it only makes the object closer to life. Life alwaus develops and never perfect.
IRiz
raj
Sun, 2018-03-04 06:19
Thank you IRiz for sparing
Thank you IRiz for sparing time in your busy schedule to read this and your comment which is both encouraging and inspiring..
...........
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentRula
Sun, 2018-03-04 02:18
Wonderful
I wish I can say something alike dear raj.
The ink in my pen still refuses to flow.
I'm trying to read though. Reading and commenting brings joy to me especially when it holds some positive impressions/messages within.
Thanks for sharing!
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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raj
Sun, 2018-03-04 05:25
Rula
I think most of us go through a phase of Writer's Block..it could be because of external and/or internal influences ...whatever it be I'm pretty sure the ink in your pen will start flowing smoothly. It's good that you are now able to spare time for reading which itself would act like an Ink Dropper for your pen...
Thanks for the read and your appreciative comment..Waiting for your next post...
warm regards dear friend...
raj (sublime_ocean)
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