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The Lovers On The Edge [edited]

You and I have set up a triangle love
now who covers the other end above
are we going back or moving forward
you have blindly set a pay roll for a reward

Have you ever rewound the past
that this love never experienced blast
now you have come with flamboyant demand
bringing me to high instinct on how to stand

if I may ask, is your love a high target
your wishes and demand now a regret
I shall no more again discuss this love
for you're, but a bird of prey that flies above

© Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu
Republic of Biafra

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I am not quite sure of how you mean, "Are you matching out or moving forward"
I think that what you are trying to express is the idea that you wonder if the
love is stagnant or does it keep getting stronger?
I am trying to understand if you think that the other person has set the tone
to be equal, each time you give something, the other gives back?

I see you are having a little trouble with your tenses; It should be,
"have you ever [rewound] the past, "this love has never experienced a blas
I understand that your sentences make perfect sense
the way you write them, because you express an idea in a way that makes sense
in your language, but to our ears, it seems uncoordinated.

As someone else here has said; I hesitate to correct some of the things
that seem awkward to me as it will lose some of its' charm and you will find
that you are not well understood in your own language. What is a [rollet]?

I think that I get the message that a boss or higher up
is taking advantage of someone and the person wants to know
where they really stand? A little explanation may go a long way to helping
make this a better poem. ~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

paragraph one of your critiqu, says, "

I am not quite sure of how you mean, "Are you matching out or moving forward"
I think that what you are trying to express is the idea that you wonder if the
love is stagnant or does it keep getting stronger?

That's what the poem is rightly saying.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

Your critique has a lot of impact. in me. Your stir from top to bottom line- making a perfect reviews on a particular theme.

Thank you so much for taking your time to go through! Waiting to see other views from some of our literary icons!

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

I revolves around two loves;; the woman in question abruptly changed her character and the guy now sees her as some one who's now merchandizing a true love by high demands and likes.
As we all know, when a woman constantly asking for more ..., the men doesn't cherish it as well. Most especially Africans men! And such demands would prompt us to put our own love on a Hotlist!

Therefore, African men love with their head not with pure soul!

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment
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