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loveliest countenance

Submitted by loved on Fri, 2012-08-17 12:16

beauty can’t be bound in any cage,
it lies at each and every stage,
in the eyes of the beholder
this shouldn’t one at all amaze.

few men are more beautiful,
than women of their own age,
women though always remain
longer, much longer, on life’s stage,

love flows from ones’ heart,
sex apart
the beauty is
of divine
a gift,
a lovely part

though whatever you may say,
you may live that far, far away,
but where ever you go
you shall always display,
the one and only one
natural beauty,
in your innocent way,
as your smile does,
take my heart away,
I can’t ask you to stay,
as you live in a land far
very far,
very, very far away
but maybe someday!

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Ian.T

Fri, 2012-08-17 17:20

Ian.T's picture
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Not sure what to say on this piece as it is so very good but you will need to just bundle it up a little make it unique .
Use your style and see how you can make it where everyone will read.
It has the bones of a beautiful body, the theme is good. I seem to think it dragged a little maybe too many descriptions for the same thing not sure.
I hope one of our boffin's reads it, and can find the solution as this is one of your better pieces, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

weirdelf

Fri, 2012-08-17 21:56

weirdelf's picture
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It stands true.

I am very glad that you have not suggested that your poetry is something important, unigue and better than other forms. You are not.

I write poetry not expecting it to be best. But sometimes you do. Stop it. You are not that good.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

loved

Sat, 2012-08-18 00:31

loved's picture

comment and advice .I may soon abandon as advised ...

loved

author comment

Ian.T

Sat, 2012-08-18 02:08

Ian.T's picture
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No need to abandon, I said wait till one of the Form teachers has read and commented on your work and there is Jess saying this is a very good piece of writing..
I had already said that, now what more do you want ? Told you it was very Good, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

loved

Sat, 2012-08-18 05:21

loved's picture

loveliest poem

yes this is a good one

172 read it on day one ,
on another site..
and more are adding on..
this poem was composed over three years ago ...
the beauty is apparent,,,
as old is to be treated as gold.
thanks for as ever holding my hand..

loved

author comment

Dalton

Sat, 2012-08-18 18:59

I enjoyed this poem no matter what anyone else has to say. However I think the last stanza needs a serious rewrite. Its a little too bitty. Perhaps it needs tightening, use fewer words and try to be more succint. "very far, very very far away" I found that to lose the flow of the piece. Don't fret just think about a rewrite and I'm sure you can make a better poem of this one. I hope this helped.

John

loved

Sun, 2012-08-19 02:00

loved's picture

is the best on another site 272 have read it
loveliest countenance

beauty can’t be bound in a cage,
it personifies at each and every stage
in the eyes of the beholder
that shouldn’t one
at all amaze.

some men are more beautiful
than women of their own age...
women however always remain
far longer on life’s beauty's stage,

love flows from ones’ heart
sex apart,
the beauty is
of divine
a gift,
a lovely part

though whatever one may think,
you may live on miles' brink
but where ever you go
you shall always display
exquisitely natural beauty ...
in your innocently smiling way
as you take my heart mercilessly away…

I can’t desire you to stay,
as you live in a land
limitless distant away
but
perhaps maybe someday!

loved

author comment

Dalton

Sat, 2012-08-18 21:25

You spoke of another poetry site. Please whats it called?

John

loved

Sat, 2012-08-18 23:50

loved's picture

I shall endeavour ..
there are so many poetry sites you just have to Google
one is Triond.

loved

author comment
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