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Love Your Heart (with spoken word)

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0vz0DQPhxjj

This isn't about Valentine
coz I dont believe in it,
but it's still about the heart
and how to keep it fit.

Try to manage your stress,
give anxiety a rest,
or annoying life pressures
would lastly take your best.

Cut down the harmful sweets
which put on an extra weight
and follow a healthy diet
before it's really late.

Give up cigarette smoking
even if nothing would ache.
Don't wait for the nicotine
to build up in plaque.

Drop families' bad habbits
Don't increase the chance
for new generations
to suffer what ere ones pass

Keep on a daily practice
Go for an excersise
manintain thirty minutes
or better maximise

Care for your little heart
let it sing a happy song
Pay it your most attention
so as to stay longer, strong.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Hope it doesn't read preachy.If it does, any suggestions?
Editing stage: 

Comments

This sounded much better when you read it. It isn't exactly what I call preachy- its just good advice for better health.

But still, if you wanted to make it sound less preachy, you could turn direct instructions to suggestions, so instead of saying "Don't do this", you could say "You might not want to do this" or "Its better to do that"

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

I agree with Williams about smooth sailing while reading this one with pretty goof thoughts for the readers. You could give a thought to what Williams has suggested about making it suggestive, though I realize it's easier said than done.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

gentlemen. In fact I've tried it both ways, but thought these are just facts and presenting them in a suggestive statements won't sound quite right, and thereby came along what raj called the "goofy reading" to make less preachy.
Thanks again for visiting and commenting.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

... I made a list of the ones you mention that I personally need to work on.

... I had to go get more paper.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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This comes after reading a short article. It has no emotions at all. All are just facts which makes it a bit tough? Just experimenting a new thing.
Thanks for your visit. If I've convinced each reader to change one thing, I think the mission is well accomplished and I know the list goes long.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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author comment

Good to hear your voice again

Scott

to see you here again Scott
Thanks for your kind words.
I shall soon read what you've posted.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

I like the fact that its not about romance but more about health. Good job.

Alid

might not be very well stated, but I liked writing something different.
I am happy you like it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment
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