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Love Won... [Sonnets, let's know more]

My heart did thump in such a coldish breast
As once she passed my sight, then I am dumb
I heard no sound, my brain was dark and numb
They went, my ears, my friend said “This, the test"

With nothing signaling she'd noticed me
I'd not abandon hope, I'd never doubt
My love, she was, I would so often shout
I tried so hard, I worked to make her see

She turned, she heard, I saw her smile so slight
My vision was to be, it would be true
I was out there each and every night
She grew aware, her eyes are misty bright
She sighed aloud, “ I see you're honest blue
My heart was free, my soul began it's flight

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
This is one of the hardest poems I have ever written and I am not sure that I got it right. Trying to stay within the rules for this type of poetry is really hard without making the rhyme seem forced. ~ Gee
Editing stage: 

Comments

I am happy you could make it and join us despite your health problems.

Some meter problems. if you can see where you need to rework the meter to make it perfect iamb pentemeter

my HEART| did THUMP| in my |HURTing | BREAST ( also half a foot is less)

as SHE | [once] PASSED | my SIGHT |, I was |STRUCK DUMP (rework the 4th and 5th feet )

i HEARD| not a |SOUND|, my BRAIN |was NUMB( rework the 2nd and third feet)

( i NEAR |LOST |my MIND|, as THEY| will aTTEST(rework the 2nd and last feet)

 

let's do one stanza at a time Gee. It will be much easier for both of us to follow.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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the first stanza, how is it now?

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author comment

yes, it's a bitch. Someday I will invite you join my workshop on the Ballade and you will find the sonnet rather simplistic after that.
Seriously, in my mind what we are doing is the same thing a musician does when learning their instrument. They play the classics. The rules are strict and teach organization. The forms are confining and teach brevity of word.
Just because we dance a choreographed dance doesn't mean we should not dance well.
I think Rula has your meter issues well in hand. The subject is appropriate, but make sure the volta stays as clear as it is.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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Wesley. So that's why I am having so much trouble! Anyone who knows me well, knows that my words are never that brief! Lol ~ Gee

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author comment

I still can still see some problems in meter, so I suggest the lines below. Please see if they meet what you want to say. If not we can modify a bit together again. I shall parse your second stanza, so that you would see what needed ot rework.

My heart |did thump| in such|a hard, cold, hurt breast
As once she passed my sight, was I struck dumb?
I heard no sound, my brain was dark and numb
They went, my ears, my friend said “This, the test

My HEART|did THUMP| in SUCH| a COLD|ish BREAST
As ONCE|she PASSED|my SIGHT,| then I| am DUMP|
I HEARD |no SOUND |, my BRAIN |was DARK | and NUMB
they WENT, my EARS, my FRIENDS said THIS, the TEST.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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no SIGN |she GAVE |, that SHE |NOticed |me

A suggestion, just add "had" .... No sign she gave, that she had noticed me

no SIGN | she GAVE | that SHE | had NO | ticed ME

I WOULD |not GIVE |up, NE |ver HAD | a DOUBT (PERFECT IAMB)

my LOVE |, she WAS |, i WOULD | Often | SHOUT

(may be? ...my LOVE |, she WAS |, i WOULD | so O |ften SHOUT| (only adding "so" as unstressed syllable)

I TRIED |REAL HARD |, i WORKED |to MAKE |her SEE (change "Real" to "so")

I tried so hard, I worked to make her see.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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HEAD TURNED , EARS HEARD|, i SAW | her SMILE so SLIGHT (fix the first two feet)

my VI |sion WAS |to BE,| it WOULD |be TRUE (PERFECT IAMB)

I WAIT |ed for |HER, EACH |and E |very NIGHT (rework the second and the third feet)

she GREW |more A |ware, her | EYES SHONE |BRIGHT| (half a foot is less and fix 3rd, fourth and th5th feet)

now SHE| SPOKE a |LOUD, “ I | KEEP SEE |ing YOU” (fix thesecond, third and the 4th feet)

my HEART| BROKE FREE |, my SOUL | TOOK FLIGHT| (one foot is less and you need to fix the 2nd and 4the feet.)

First, you need to do the same with the meter.

REMEMBER:_

unstressed/STRESSED

Second: think about the rhyme scheme. There are many rhyme schemes for the sestet but the most familier is c d e/ c d e/ OR c d/ c d /c d

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Do you see why I won't run a workshop without her by my side?
Can you say indispensable?

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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I can. Isn't it nice to have someone like Rula to help out? She is so patient and has such a good grasp of how to motivate! Thank you, Rula! ~ Gee

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author comment

If you've seen my attempts at sonnets you know I'm not fit to critique this form. But it would be rude to not say I stopped by......stan

to have you stop by, Stan. I am glad for the chance to make my brain work. It gets lazy and if I don't apply the whip, it just sits there holding my eyes open and doing nothing! ~ Gee

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author comment

I think that I have almost gotten it now! Maybe a little tweak? ~ Gee

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author comment

My HEART | did THUMP | in SUCH | a COLD | -ish BREAST
(perfect)

as ONCE | she PASSED | my SIGHT | then i | am DUMB
(fourth foot)

i HEARD | no SOUND | my BRAIN | was DARK | and NUMB
(perfect)

they WENT | my EARS | my FRIEND | SAID this | the TEST
(fourth foot)

no SIGN | she GAVE | that she | had NOT | -iced ME
(third foot)

i would | not GIVE | UP NEV | -er had | a DOUBT
(first, third and fourth)

my LOVE | she WAS | i WOULD | so OFT| -en SHOUT
(perfect)

i TRIED | so HARD | i WORKED | to MAKE | her SEE
(perfect)

she TURNED | she HEARD | i SAW | her SMILE | so SLIGHT
(perfect)

my VIS | -ion WAS | to BE | it WOULD | be TRUE
(perfect)

i was | AL -ways | a -ROUND | and EACH | and E | -re NIGHT
(six feet)

she GREW | MORE a | -WARE | her EYES | SHONE REAL | -ly BRIGHT
(six feet)

NOW she | SIGHED LOUD | i SEE | you ARE | TRUE BLUE
(needs work)

My HEART | was FREE | my SOUL | be -GAN | it's FLIGHT
(perfect)

happy to offer suggestions, if you would like some

love the write - stalking works does it - lol
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

all suggestions are welcome. I really think I could use the help. Thanks, ~ Gee

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author comment

These lines are the ones that trouble me and most all are for the reasons Judyanne gave you.
The only difficulty is sometimes not hearing the iambic rhythm. Be careful starting verses with an accented syllable because it throws the line into chaos (even though poets do it all the time... like me).

i would | not GIVE | UP NEV | -er had | a DOUBT
(first, third and fourth)

i was | AL -ways | a -ROUND | and EACH | and E | -re NIGHT
(six feet)

she GREW | MORE a | -WARE | her EYES | SHONE REAL | -ly BRIGHT
(six feet)

The one below is a mess. The rest can be fixed easily, but I don't know how to help this one. I'll think on it.
NOW she | SIGHED LOUD | i SEE | you ARE | TRUE BLUE

The poem is excellent my friend. I know this isn't your chosen way of writing, but you've managed to produce a classically framed sonnet. It only took you seven hundred years.
(needs work)

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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most of the bards that wrote in this manner, must have spent at least seven-hundred years in writing their works. WHY, they chose to write in such a constricted manner, is beyond me. Thanks for the clues on how to fix this. ~ Gee

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author comment

as for -
as ONCE | she PASSED | my SIGHT | then I | am DUMB
and
they WENT | my EARS | my FRIEND | said THIS | the TEST

(Wes passed these – and on another read, I think them OK too – the ‘I’ in the first verse does tend to be emphasised within the context but it is a little weak to my ear, but ‘this the test’ is fine, and I don’t know why I faulted it)

so my offerings –
with NOTH | -ing SIG | -nall -ING | she’d NOT | -iced ME
i’d NOT | a –BAND | --on HOPE | i’d NEV | -er DOUBT
a -ROUND | there AL | -ways EACH | and EV | -ry NIGHT
she GREW | a -WARE | her EYES | turned MIST | -y BRIGHT
she SIGHED | a -LOUD | i SEE | you’re HON | -est BLUE

hope these are of assistance - sometimes it's easier to look for a two or three syllable word - they will always then fit the iambic, rather than trying to fill the write with one syllable unstressed / stressed words and getting the stresses wrong...

a great write gee - an awesome result for your first attempt
i really like the theme
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Not to pick on your piece, but one of the problems I have with strict form is that it takes away from the natural flow of language. I am certain the better writers on this site will disagree with me, but it seems we always make changes in flow to sacrifice for meter. That is why a blend of meters sounds best to me. This piece is choppy and would be better served in free verse.

Thanks,

Scott

A good writer writes as not to take away the natural speech. That is why writing a good sonnet is extremely hard. Sure, we can change syntax to fit meter, but a true poet will find the correct grammar to fit the meter.

Lol - none of us are great poets, therefore we are all still seeking the perfect way to write as if in standard (poetic) language without it sounding forced or off.... but it is possible, and it is for what we strive

and I'm afraid you can't use gee's poem as your argument - at least not yet - as his is still out in meter...

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

makes perfect.
We can't expect perfection from a first attemp nor from the tenth.
Don't give up!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Exactly. Most poetry is written in a combination of meters, but as Judyanne said, the good poet will find the grammar to fit the meter. Think of strict form as teaching discipline, so that when you relax and write, more organization will be there for your use. They are tools to teach us how to structure our poetic thoughts.
And they are beautiful.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

when you say " it seems we always make changes in flow to sacrifice for meter. "
Correct meter IS flow.
This will become more clear in the new workshop "Meter is our friend". When we learn to use meter, well the learning process is often painful, whatever the subject. It will seem like many sacrifices of meaning, content, rhyme etc are made whilst learning the craft of meter. Then you can fuck with it. It's that old cliche "learn the rules in order to break them". Few of the really great form poets adhere strictly to meter because they know when they can break it without disrupting flow.

It goes so against the anarchistic grain of the poetic sensibility to learn "rules", true. Great sculptors must know when a piece is too structurally imbalanced to stand without breaking. Great musicians must know which succession of notes will create a pleasing effect in order to be able to create dissonant successions that won't make the listeners stick pencils in their ears.

Poetry is not a direct connection from brain to paper/screen. Skill, craft and knowledge allow that connection.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I have tried to take all the comments and suggestions to heart and used most of them. How does it sound now? ~ Gee

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author comment

Good edits friend. I only have problem mainly with the third and the fourth lines in the sestet.

Around there each and every night (Only four
feet. One foot is less)
and
She grew aware, her eyes turned misty bright may be
she grew aware, here eyes are misty bright .............where "are" is less stressed.

How I hoped for an Elizabethian sonnet from you. It is much easier than the Petrarchan, I think. :)
Well done Gee!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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I took so long to get this done. I may undertake to write an Elizabethan sonnet yet. Not right away, as I will have to recover from this workshop! Thank you for being so patient with me on this. ~ Gee

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
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author comment

but I shall keep an eye on this and your Elizabethan one. Stan says it is much easier. Ask him :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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I am sure you wont let this one go with a wee bit more to be done...I wish Rula could have been a bit more patient before closing the workshop till you wrap this one up...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

that there are rules and such to honor, and am not the least bit slighted by Rula's decision to end the workshop before I had finished. She did help me finish and I appreciate the extra time she took to do that. Thank you for your help on this project that was so difficult for me. ~ Gee

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
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author comment

Concluding the shop was on its time to give other workshop leaders the chance to lead new workshops, but I shall keep an eye on this or any other sonnet you decide to submit.
Please, let me know that the workshop that we did wasn't a wast of time, but a worthy one that we've learnt something in.
thank you for the contribution and the compliment.
Your sonnets are the best kind of appreciation I can ever have.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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We put this in the Shark Pool for a reason. We wanted to "revamp" the whole attitude of the pool. No more harshness, but still a healthy dose of tough love critiquing. We also wanted to keep it (and all Shark Pool shops) short and hard. We want to talk about complex concepts in this pool and not wait around for the understanding to be complete. A short workshop with intense participation can focus attention. Rula ran a shop under those rules and did a marvelous job.
Let's all applaud in unison.
Thanks to everyone's efforts. The sonnet is hard, but I read a great many excellent submissions.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

for the opportunity to participate in this workshop and all the extra time you guys spent with me. This was difficult and I learned a bunch of stuff from it. I'm glad that I took part in this workshop.
An especial thank you to Rula for an excellent workshop! ~ Gee

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
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author comment

I am not sure of how sonnets work but I thought this was a really nice poem. A very deep expression of love that it didn't sound forced at all :)

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

I believe if we are willing to face this difficulty in new form of poem writing, we will become better poets. I agree with Judy that none of us are great poets but even great poets have to err before they become good and then great. What I see in workshops like this is a learning journey that stimulates the mind and challenge the participants to expand their horizon. What I see in your poem is the effort of one who is learning like the rest of us. You know it's going to be hard but you don't give up. That is why I applaud all of you.

Alid

.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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