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Love Me Again!

The Moon pales
when I lift the veil
from your sparkling eyes
to read in them
the script of night
punctuated with
kisses soft and deep

The crickets pause
to listen to the secrets
whispered through your moans
while our shadows dance
upon rose pink walls
to the melody
of our ecstatic bows

The gentle beams
of a dawning day
stream on our crumpled sheets
you open your eyes
with parted lips
yearning:
"make love to me"

your eyes whisper:
"again and again"

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
Last few words: 
i am thankful for the likes of Amal...Ann..Anna. Seren and so many others .for their valuable suggestions which have helped in bringing about improvements..such gestures make Neopoet truly a workshop for amateurs like me...
Editing stage: 

Comments

thank you for your spontaneous comment...good to know you found this delicious and bubbly which was the essence of the poem..it was my conscious effort to emphasize the romantic experience with just a dash of passion..but looks like i got the proportions wrong in this cocktail since you say it made you shiver...or did you mean to say sizzle ..lol?...

thank you once again for your inspirational comment..

much love...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Wow we wallow in the pink of your words,
caressed by silks and satins,
swathed in rhythms from the sunbeams dreams,
so sensuous and full of delights.

The only bit this.....
"whispered atop your moans".......
.....I find atop a little odd,
I would here prefer something like THROUGH?

Love Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

i feel touched by your appreciative and poetic comment...your suggestion is not only well taken but also implemented...i changed "atop" to "amidst"...i hope this works well...as i mentioned to Shirley it was my conscious effort to lace this write with romance and not make it sound lewd..i hope it has come out that way..

please feel free to critic my writes because i am on a learning curve and look forward to benifit from the comments of accomplished writers like you...Seren...Kailashana...Judyanne ..Victor..Longo...Stan..Dan ..Cat..and so many others...

much love...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

more than sensuous
depending on moon's love
when many a princess
await thee
on this very earth .

i shall be sending the kissing combo tomorrow
for ur publication

better still do edit it
and u may please PUBLISH IT
AS u have it in ur msg box
thanks

loved

Thank you Loved for the read and your lovely comment...it is always appreciated...since the kissing combo poem is your creation it would be more appropriate for you to publish it...i would certainly make a few additions to the verses you have messaged to me...

much love...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

It was a desperate call for love when I first read the title in the stream

But then the body proved me wrong

It’s the greediness one feels once savoring love, is it not?

My fav?

To read in them
the script for the night
punctuated with
kisses soft and deep

Nicely done….thank you raj

your comment about the title is much appreciated..i feel sorry that you found it to be not in sync with the body of the poem...in fact i was toying with many other titles for this write..e.g. Never Leave me ...Do me again ...to bring about the effect of rejuvenated craving for more / insatiable desire to be loved...

i will take a re-look at the title and may be consider changing it....

please feel free to critic my write..i always take the poi\sitives from such suggestions being an amateur...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I didn't mean for you to change the title...it's ok as is

just wanted to let you know that it may initiate different expectations before reading the poem ( which is acceptable in this poem)

i got it now what you actually meant...thanks for the clarification...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

thank you for your generous comment and appreciation..means a lot coming from accomplished writers like you...it acts like tonic...

thank you too for a big smile which is infectious to say the least...

much love ..hugs...and smiles..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

do you think i should change the title?..will appreciate your comment on this..

love...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

A great poem, left me lost in your lovemaking, thank you, much love Beki xxx

'God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you will have two wings to fly,
not one.' (...Rumi)

thank you for visiting this page...and your appreciative comment....i would love to visit your page and read your poems too at leisure....i feel bad when i am unable to read the writes of many others and benifit from them...

much love...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Hi Raj, don't shoot me yet, as I'm not trying to shoot down all the praise.

H o w e v e r,

The Moon pales
when I lift the veil
from your sparkling eyes
to read in them
the script of night
(remove *for the*)
punctuated with
(punctured imo would work better though I know what you mean, and this is the time for twisting
the meaning a bit)
kisses soft and deep

The crickets pause
(why capitalize?)
to listen to secrets
whispered through your moans
(amidst is not as strong as *through*)
while our shadows dance
upon rose pink walls
to the melody
of our ecstacy

The silken beams
(please find another word other than *silken* it annoys me ;-) )
of a dawning day
stream on our crumpled sheets
you open your eyes
with parted lips
pleading:
"make love to me",

your eyes say:
"again and again".

(ok so I'm a bit insatiable but enough about me...) I like this poem. lol.

~A

just a while ago while responding to the comment of An (Nordic Cloud)...i mentioned that i look forward to critics from the likes of many accomplished writers and in that list i mentioned your name too...

within minutes of my making that comment i find here your very thoughtful suggestions for which i am very thankful....i agree the changes would lift the poem ...i will get those suggestions implemented right away...also please let me know if the title reads well with the essence of the poem..

much love...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

thank you for your appreciative comment...good to know you liked this write..

much love..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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