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Love is......
Love is
the beauty in poetry
the fire of desire
as two souls unfold
Love is
emotion in devotion
sacrifice and commitment
the strength supporting a union
Love is
sweet surrender.
You need find another gender
and then defend her.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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singapore
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Comments
doomhead
Sun, 2014-02-09 22:54
Not to my taste.
While I appreciate the rhyming structure, adelicate choice of words, the content and format comes across as cliche and frankly over done.
Rainer Maria Rilke says in his "Letters to a Young Poet" that love is a topic too often discussed, and so in order to write love poems it is reliant on you discovering new insight and ways to explore the topic - this will be a lot more difficult for someone only in the beginnings of learning how to craft poetry.
Keep at it though - this is in no way terrible and I can see elements of your style and taste coming through. Keep polishing these and come back to the topic of love when you can discover a unique perspective to portray it from.
doomhead
Sun, 2014-02-09 22:55
woops it double posted.
woops it double posted.
alidzain
Sun, 2014-02-16 12:55
yo
I agree.I'm inviting you to check out my poems like "Winter","Sunset" ,'The Race", "Face of The Enemy" and "The Trial". I think they are so much better than this.I want your honest opinions and welcome any suggestions for improvements on them on them.
Alid
author commentraj
Sun, 2014-02-16 14:12
Alid
Though the comment of Doomhead may at first sound a tad harsh, there is lot in it for the likes of you and me to taking it in our stride as a positive comment meant to continually improve. As he has said it would take some doing but with concerted effort it is something we must aim at achieving over a period of time.
He has also provided and encouraging comment towards the end. Incidentally, you have perhaps overlooked one of the aspects of love which is "sacrifice" ...
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
doomhead
Sun, 2014-02-16 22:51
I'm just going to add that my
I'm just going to add that my aim while commenting people's poetry is to be straight forward and blunt - if I like something I will tell you, however if something doesn't work I'm not going to gloss over it. I will always try to critique purely the mechanics of your work, and I'm not doing this to be mean, leave a sour taste or imply I'm doing any better, it's simply the best way I can think of to help out.
I hope you will offer the same forward treatment.
x Liam
raj
Mon, 2014-02-17 00:22
Liam
I fully appreciate your intent and supported it in my comment to Alid. The likes of me are here to learn in this workshop type of set up and stand to benefit when there is a mix of blunt and encouraging comments as the post may deserve.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
alidzain
Mon, 2014-02-17 02:51
ok
ok . I get it.
Alid
author commentwesley snow
Mon, 2014-02-17 11:39
Just wanted to affirm your perspective.
That is truly a "NeoPoet" way of critiquing.
As Jess says, "Don't comment, critique. NeoPoet is a workshop environment."
Bravo. Now, go tear one of my poems apart.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
alidzain
Sun, 2014-02-16 16:44
don't worry
even i know this one is a bit of a letdown.i'm waiting for you guys to help me with some suggestions. you see there are times when i am writing just what i am thinking like the one i did for the workshop about writer's block. i don't really know how to put it into words, so i write what i think and wesley did comment that its sound prose and i learn from him how to make it better. when i write this one i am hoping to learn. from you guys so that if i try to tackle the theme again, i can do it better. i know doom means well, but i really need more suggestions and when i know its not good, i get frustrated when i still can't improve on it.still getting blank when i try. i don't know, maybe i'm impatient .its one of my bad habits. This is the only place where i can really hope to find help since my friends are not really interested with poetry and my family don't really approve of my hobby.i keep getting"don't waste your time." from them and find myself pissed off. easy to say ignore them, not easy to do..they just don't understand its my escape from reality.its my dream to be a writer, poet or storyteller.
Alid
author commentalidzain
Sun, 2014-02-16 16:48
i really mean it
when i say i want to learn. i'll try again but i need help.i really do.,
author commentwesley snow
Sun, 2014-02-16 17:12
From my friends and family I get...
... wow wes, that's really good. I didn't understand it, but it's really good.
So I know what you mean.
Doom is correct. You write about love and you're asking for it. However, since you asked don't shirk. There is nothing wrong with this poem that little creative tweaking won't improve.
Here are some of my thoughts.
To begin with, did you know there is a technical term for the repetition in your stanza's first lines? It's called... repetition. Seriously.
Leave it alone. It is dreadfully cliché, but we've chosen it, so run with it.
Now, what I would do if it were my poem is allow it to become a bit whimsical. It is cliché, so use it.
The following has internal rhyme between "emotion" and "devotion". I like it. Get your rhyming dictionary out and replicate this at least in the other stanza.
Love is
emotion in devotion
sacrifice and commitment
the strength supporting a union
Love is
sweet surrender.
You need find another gender
and then defend her.
That's my thought on the subject.
Don't worry overmuch about the meter. Just keep it short and sappy. The cool thing about cliché is... it's usually true which is why it's repeated so much.
Also, "rhythm" doesn't need the last "n".
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
alidzain
Sun, 2014-02-16 18:31
sir
I've done the best that i could for the edit.I would like to hear your opinion
Alid
author commentwesley snow
Mon, 2014-02-17 11:43
Excellent.
I'm proud you used my suggestion. You needn't have, it was but an example. This version uses the cliché and rides that wave instead of attempting to skirt by it. Now, if you want a real challenge (I can't do it... been there, failed that), write a true love poem. Write with language so elegant that "cliché" never crosses our mind. Personally I think it is the hardest poetry to write. I can write an epic poem of 24,000 lines and be pleased with it, but I can't write a love poem to save my poetic soul.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
raj
Mon, 2014-02-17 23:35
Alid
I liked the way you tweaked this up. It feels very crisp..
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
alidzain
Tue, 2014-02-18 03:16
Hi Raj
Its all thanks to Wesley's guidance and opinions.I couldn't have done it without him.His new challenge scares me, though. I'm still not good with love poems. don't know how to make it not sound 'cliche'....
Alid
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