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In love

Your eyes sparkle with kindness and joy
Your smile brightens a room in a second
Your lips look soft and very tempting
When I hear your voice my heart leaps with joy
When I see your face my cheeks light aflame
When I hear you laugh my breathing stops
I can't even look you in the eyes
or else I might lose my mind
you beauty is so overwhelming
and your heart is ten miles wide
you care about every person you meet
and give them real quality time
I lye awake restless in bed
thinking I wish you were mine
I want your heart in a cardboard box
I want it to belong to me
I want your smile inside a mirror
so I can see it all of the time
My darling boy won't you notice me
I'm been in love with you for a while
please come here and kiss me boy
and make my frown a smile

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I wrote this poem for my celebrity crush. He is so very selfless and sweet. He is handsome and oh so kind. I really have wanted him to be mine. But sadly he is 24 years old. So that's not gonna happen.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Ah, I feel every word and believe it all. I had a crush on Richard Gere, and if I'm honest I always will have. ( Blush)
I love the way you write because I can feel the emotion, never say never girl look at the age difference between Catherine zeta Jones and the great Michael Douglas.

You always make me feel young. X

Thank you...Teddy

You're welcome. You have probably heard of my guy though. His name is Tom Holland. He has a charity for little kids called the brothers trust, he visits kids in hospitals, he can't say croissant,(That's probably my fav thing about him, he says quackson)and he literally is peter parker. Like he acts just like him in real life. I have seen all of his movies, including the impossible. And I watched that old play he was in on youtube. And ya'll always make me feel old. I like that you treat me as one instead of that little dumb kid.
thanks again,

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

author comment

typed it twice

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

author comment

That's Billy Elliot! I adore that boy, not in the same way as you but he is a great actor and I adored him in that film. Oh how wonderful to have such a crush. I always call my son Billy Elliot, because he loves dancing.

You have good Taste,
Maybe if you used his real name in the title he might at least see it!

Thank you...Teddy

Well, If you want the raw truth then I must say, the poem falls short.

The words are too simple and straight-forward, not saying it is a bad thing but it is too telly.

Just add a little depth to those lines, a little imagery here and there and polish it.

I've always been told by senior poets, of the "show not tell" approach, just try to show the emotion of the lines you have written, using poetic devices and you'll have a winner.

please don't be offended by my post, but I saw you wanted the raw truth...

I am never offended by a good critiquer. And you are right this poem does fall short. If you read my bio you should see that I'm writing a poetry book. This poem is supposed to be a silly little girl love poem to her crush. (Also I know my grammar and spelling sucks, so be sure to fix that anytime)

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

author comment

I am never offended by a good critiquer. And you are right this poem does fall short. If you read my bio you should see that I'm writing a poetry book. This poem is supposed to be a silly little girl love poem to her crush. (Also I know my grammar and spelling sucks, so be sure to fix that anytime)

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

author comment

I am never offended by a good critiquer. And you are right this poem does fall short. If you read my bio you should see that I'm writing a poetry book. This poem is supposed to be a silly little girl love poem to her crush. (Also I know my grammar and spelling sucks, so be sure to fix that anytime)

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

author comment

JUST A SUGGESTION VIVI UR GOODY

Your eyes sparkle with kindness and joy
smile brightens a room in a second
lips look soft and very tempting

When I hear your voice my heart leaps with joy
I see your face my cheeks light aflame
I hear you laugh my breathing stops

Your eyes sparkle with kindness and joy
Your smile brightens a room in a second
Your lips look soft and very tempting
When I hear your voice my heart leaps with joy
When I see your face my cheeks light aflame
When I hear you laugh my breathing stops

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