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Lost Sole (iambic trimeter) revised

Iambic trimeter (workshop:)

Lost Sole
a shoe without a mate
is out of time a crime
of passion so sad today
day next is near to me
along borders of pain
remaining in a cave
when troubled times Are near
I scramble for a perch
response shuts down at once

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
taking baby steps. always, Cat
Editing stage: 

Comments

Those baby steps are bringing real progress. There is only one line that reads off to me:
recourse only option........I read it as
reCOURSE ONly OPtion.......I might well be wrong so I'd suggest you await others' responses.........stan

Thanks for reading and helping. Can you think of a replacement line for it? I doubt if any others are coming to read :(

always Cat

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And responds, please be courteous
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author comment

Just put a the in front of only would tidy it up I think.........stan

Explain your reasons for the changes you suggest

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

cheers

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I really did try hard on this. I'm coming to the conclusion that I might just be as thick as a brick conserning the other forms of meter. :(

I have critiqued a few, but without reciprocation. Oh well...

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

More iambic just means more 'feet' per line,
trochaic is DUM da Which makes it hard to rhyme but is great for story-telling.

And you have now said twice 'but without reciprocation'. Once more and you will be whining. People don't respond to your comments for a plethora of reasons and the kind thing to think is they just don't know what to say!

Much love and support,

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

many *hugs to you!

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

I can't make anything of this. I don't know if it's the day and the weather (unexpected rain) but I realy can't wrap my mind round this.

"Lost Sole
a shoe without a mate
is out of time..."

I get it up to this point. Then the rest just seems to run away from me.

"...a crime
of passion so sad today
day next is near to me
along borders of pain
remaining in a cave..."

The above part especially. And the "today// day" is really hard to place.
Then finally I have something I can understand...

"...when troubled times Are near
I scramble for a perch
response shuts down at once..."

And I can relate to it. I know this workshop is about meter, and not meaning. The meter reads fine. At least I think I can identify iambs, and they're about three in each line, so 1 + 1 is...

Probably I'm putting too much emphasis on meaning, rather than form. This is not the first poem I'v had this problem with. I guess I need help.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

I will come back and parse this but am flat out right now.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Thanks for coming by. I hope you will recouperate your energy soon. You do too much and get worn out.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

No, it probably isn't you. I'm no so good with meter of any kind. But, I thank you for reading and commenting/critiquing! I very much appreciate it.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

I'll do it.

I have to say something about Sir George's comment. Normally, I would try not to comment on the poem itself here because we're talking meter and the poem is supposed to be junk... except yours isn't. You completely ignored Jess' directions about writing something mundane and posted this piece... of... art.

Anyway, most of it is a gentle iamb, but a couple are not. I'll scan those how I see them.

"of pas/sion  so/ sad to/day"    This I scanned forcing the iamb. An iambic line will always end on a stressed syllable.

"of pas/sion so sad/ today      This is how I scan it. One iamb, one anapest, one iamb.

"along/ borders/ of pain"       Forced iamb. "borders" is trochee.

Otherwise, it's all iambic trimeter. And a rather interesting poem. 

wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Thank you for breaking it down for me. And for appreciating the poem's content. You explained it very well.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment
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