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Lost Gratitude
Droplets of heavenly tears,
forming puddles of water on the ground
saving us from the grip of thirst,
yet, many still frown
when the coldness it brings
embrace the flesh
to which they are bound.
Under the sun's glaring heat,
swearing words fill the air.
Grumpy humans, lacking patience
can't see the truth that's there.
If there is no sun,
darkness will spread
across the world.
Without sunlight and water,
there won't be life
but when hearts are blind to truth,
small discomforts in life
unveils the loss of gratitude.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
singapore
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Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.
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Comments
jane210660
Mon, 2016-06-20 13:38
I love the imagery, 'droplets
I love the imagery, 'droplets of heavenly tears' is beautiful.
Theme rings very true too. Did you mean lost on the last line or loss. I would go with the latter, but that's just my opinion. Jx
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alidzain
Tue, 2016-06-21 20:14
jayne
thanks for asking. Is it "loss"? I'm quite confused as I've seen both "loss" and "lost" are used. English is not my native tongue and I don't speak much of it as I often converse in Malay... I'll changed it. Glad you liked it.
Alid
author commentjane210660
Tue, 2016-06-21 06:29
That you can write such
That you can write such moving poetry and show such depth of language when English is not your mother tongue amazes me. I am in awe. Your English is a lot better than many of the people who live here and use it every day. You have the ability to get across a huge depth of feeling and emotion and can use the language as your tool. Respect.
Re the last line, I would say 'unveil the loss of gratitude' but I wouldn't want to persuade you otherwise if you prefer your version.
I also would change the line about the sunlight and light to lit the world. Lit is past tense so it would technically be light to light the world or light to have lit the world. These are not criticisms, just pointing out technical details. I think your poem is really beautiful. Jx
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Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
jane210660
Tue, 2016-06-21 12:44
Strange
My comment seemed to duplicate. Have edited 2nd one, you don't want to read all that twice! Jxx
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Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
alidzain
Tue, 2016-06-21 13:57
lol
it happened to me too.
Alid
author commentjane210660
Wed, 2016-06-22 09:01
Light / lit
Light is a verb and noun, I think it sounds better to say no light to light the world, but once again, I wouldn't dream of telling you how to write your poem. Just technical details. Jx
------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
alidzain
Wed, 2016-06-22 13:03
Jane
I hope the edit works.
Alid
author commentjane210660
Wed, 2016-06-22 15:12
Yeah
Like it, like it yes I do.... :-) Jxx
------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
alidzain
Wed, 2016-06-22 15:54
good
;D
Alid
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