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Looking At The Funny Side Of Life - ( For Humour In Poetry Ws / Ex 3 )

You'll have to tame
those goats of yours
rummaging in bins
with appetites hearty!
Their gizzards are bloated, swollen and farty!

It's not the same
wearing this dress
it's feeling quite snug;
with cleavages bulging.
I can't help thinking I'm over indulging!

Oh what a game
sharing a bed
tossing and turning
that's just the way it goes.
Him with his sharp nails and big toe up me nose!

It feels so lame
getting older
with my teeth worn down
and my old knees creaking
And those drain pipes aren't the only things leaking!

What's in a name?
A wedding day
me married to you
that first enduring kiss
And all those eternal, years...and...years of......bliss!

------------------------ Original below ---------------------------

SHAME ON YOU - shame on you!
you earthly gods!
stealing young children,
using them as sex slaves.
Your cold bones will crumble to dust in your graves.

SHAME ON YOU - shame on you!
you business men!
skinning animals,
while hearing their screams.
Your dead hearts will fill you with frightening dreams.

SHAME ON YOU - shame on you!
you charlatans!
pretending you care.
making profit from greed.
Your thick blood will clog up your veins when you bleed.

SHAME ON YOU - shame on you!
you law judges!
enticed by a bribe,
always changing the rules.
Your mind's will be shackled like unrestrained fools.

SHAME ON YOU - shame on you!
propagandists!
encouraging war,
hiding behind God‘s name.
Your bleak soul will wither while playing this game.

SHAME ON YOU - shame on you!
you rich bankers!
ripping off the poor,
while you laugh in their face.
Your deeds will be loathed in eternal disgrace.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
For changing a serious poem into something funny.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I would call this mocking fun in poetry. We laugh on life and life on us... I think you did great!!
Have you forgotten choosing the Work shop's name from the drop-list?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Nop! I did it! ( I think ) - unless of course I did something wrong - which is always possible, likely, could well happen. Lol

Hopefully I'll manage to catch up with reading everyone else's poem - tomorrow! ( unless something unexpected crops up ).

Thanks Rula :) always enjoy your visits.

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

Great pieces of fun, and as they should be.
Different from the normal flow but we coped with the change of style,
Yours Ian xx

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

'Tis a strange flow isn't it - takes a bit of getting used to. Glad you liked the humour though!

Nice of you to read and make a comment. :)

Love to you

Mand xxxxx

author comment

You is up too late it is cold and dark and there are many nasties out there to be sorted lol.
You get to bed it's 00-20 you'll be writing gibberish in the morrow.
Night, Night ,Yours Ian. xx

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Night night - sleep tight :). Zzzzzzz

author comment

But what poem of yours did you change?
It would be helpful if you put the original here for comparison

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thanks for letting me know! :) Muchly appreciated.

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

Nice job there , very nice

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

Nice of you to say so! xxx :)

Look after your self :)

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

minor typo
OVER INDUDGING! ..... indulging perhaps

Well spotted! :)

In the original poem I put caps because I was shouting - it was a rant. :)

In the second poem it's for effect! Well that's the theory. :)

You prefer it to be without the caps? :)

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

Saved it twice!

author comment

I like the original better than the new. I had missed this poem Judy and I'm glad I had the chance to catch it here.
Some of the line lengths are a little too long for me, but nothing catastrophic.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Do you think it would be better if I gave it an edit to shorten the last line and dropped the capitals?
( on both of them )

Your opinion matters to me! :)

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

Nice switch by allowing the fun elements in you poke out in this revised version...

Much love and clap..clap...clap...did ya hear them?

raj (sublime_ocean)

Loud and clear! :)

Thanks Raj - me buddy! Great to hear from ya :) You are sooo encouraging!

Love Mand xxxxxxx

author comment

You did a good job making fun of growing old . But that's about the only defense we have against it ain't it? lol. I have only one suggestion : last line there should be a pregnant pause.......right before "bliss" to add to doubt about how blissful it Is lol........now I'll shut up..........stan

Lol! Spot on! :) xxx

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

good work here. You did well..

Alid

Kind of you to say so! Muchly appreciated.

Love Mand xxx

author comment
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