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A Lonely Isle

Lilting waves from salted sea
receding from the shores,
sweeping away with an ebb and flow,
shells treasured within its folds,
along the endless stretch of this Isle,
once a paradise,
the isle now marooned in turmoil,
alone.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I love the imagery you have used but in this instance I have a couple of suggestions already, see what you think if you don't like them just ignore them :)

Lilting waves from salted sea
receding from the shores,
sweeping away with an ebb and flow
all shells treasured in the folds, --- I would remove [all]
along endless stretches --- [along the endless stretch] just a suggestion
of this Isle,
once a paradise,
now marooned in turmoil,
while the Sun dips again on its horizon. --- [while the sun dips once more
extending past the horizon] another suggestion

I really connected with this I think it will be a polished gem when you've done with it

much love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

All suggestions made by you are most appropriate and accepted in toto. I believe that besides your finery in poetry these suggestions are because you connected with this perfectly.

it wouldn't be an exaggeration if I say "this poem was waiting for your visit, just like the shores crave for the caress of the waves"

thank you for the visit and connecting with this one...

much love n hugz...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I am a sucker for imagery and its use in poetry you have done well with this one I think polished it will be a little gem :) Still needs a better title but I will have a think on it, one title comes to mind but I am going to fiddle with it a little before I suggest it to you

love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

I have made all the changes suggested by you in your earlier comment. Have I missed out on something that has not been changed? Please do let me know...I will certainly look out for a better title...

much love and hugz...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Something about the line lengths bothers me let me play with that and the title for you and I will post them tomorrow night

G'night its 3am I better go to be before I nod off at the computer lol

love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Okie dokie...will look out for your creative suggestions as always...

take good care..

love and hugz...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Its great...!!! Its perfect if worked on the above suggestion Raj.

Cheers,

Kavi

Thanks for the read and your comments, which suggest that you too pretty well connected with this one...

please keep writing more, your poems have the zeal and a silken touch

Cheers to you too,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I forgot to mention that I have been toying with many titles for this poem, such as, Isle in Turmoil, Marooned Isle, if you feel this one is not the best fit, please suggest alternative title/s...this is for all those who take the time to pass by and read..

love

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Let me sleep on it I will come back tomorrow night with a few alternatives :)

love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

the isle from the Juhu beach or Marine drive
Or else from the southern tip
over Ceylon
where beyond the horizon
someone sings a song
awaiting to meet you
where you belong
lovely poetry

only how I wish
I too could steal it

to compose one like this
is not my bit
thanks raj

loved

Thanks for the read and your elaborate comment. Your comments suggest that your perceptions were more from a physical / geographical orientation, whereas, honestly this entire piece is metaphorical. It is not always we write from our own perspectives and / or personal experiences. At times. like this one, it is inspired by an event. a thought, or reflection of what is happening around us.

Appreciate your encouraging comments...

much love and regads...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Metaphorical poetry
Each one of us is an identity
what a pity
I am so different
and
have no such poetic
metaphorical notion
to me poetry is partly autobiographical
and
mostly inspirational
metaphors are known but rarely used
most of poetry is generally implied
Thanks for being my poetic guide
I enjoy the mental plateau-tudinal ride

loved

how to your poetry evaluate
in one breath
for a stranger in me
so direct and straight

loved

I would correct myself from what i said before. To me it is a mix of some metaphors and more of abstract.....let me try to explain the best I possibly can:-

It is all about lots of memories which keep coming back day after day, which are swept away in the evening with each setting of the Sun leaving behind a desolate lonely Isle which once was a paradise for both lovers but now marooned in a turmoil after the parting...i guess it pretty much sums up what i wished to communicate...

regards,,,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

*****It is all about lots of memories which keep coming back day after day, which are swept away in the evening with each setting of the Sun leaving behind a desolate lonely Isle which once was a paradise for both lovers but now marooned in a turmoil after the parting...****** yours................

Memories
you seem to recall
the days of the fall
which never leave
as ever before
ere we stand on life’s shore
awaiting a remembrance
once more

as time ebbs
with the glory of the sun
as twilight ensues once more
the remnants of days since spent
bereft of all existence
reminds one of those interactions
a paradise lost
marooned
entwined
with memories
now alone
down time’s forsaken lanes
we now live lost
in vain
breathless
in disdain

loved

Your response and perceptions more than qualify..they are wonderful and you have explained them pretty well for sure...thanks for the read and your response...it is appreciated...

regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

would you please publish it
others may share
and enjoy
what admirable
a vision of troy

loved

i could be sitting on that isle. you are really painting.
some changes could work as suggested by Jayne.
keep it up.

Thanks for the visit, time, read and comment which is very much appreciated. Yes, I in fact have made the changes proposed by Jayne. Thanks to you I missed out on one, which I will go and change pronto in the form of deleting "all"

regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

one title could be

"Beyond the Atoll"

Love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Jayne "Beyond the Atoll" does sound good, but I checked the dictionary meaning which says "a circular coral reef or string of coral islands surrounding a lagoon "...hmm it mentions lagoon whereas in this write it is an Isle in the sea...your thoughts on this please..

much love...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

"shells treasured within its folds"
is my favorite line.

In " while the Sun dips once more
extending past the horizon." (Do you need to capitalize the "S" in sun?)
I'd call it "An Isle from the Past", but also like it as is.
Thanks for sharing.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Your comments are always welcome and your words of encouragement and appreciation act like tonic for me.

Thanks for your time to visit this and read.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

No change in the poetry, only grammar.
I copied it, so you can compare directly.

Lilting waves from salted sea
receding from the shores,
sweeping away with an ebb and flow
shells treasured within its folds
along the endless stretch of this Isle,
once a paradise,
now marooned in turmoil,
while the Sun dips once more
extending past the horizon.

Lilting waves from salted seas
receding from the shores,
sweeping away with an ebb and flow,
shells treasured within its folds,
there is along the endless stretch of this isle,
once a paradise,
now marooned in turmoil (what is marooned? your missing what is marooned. You mean the isle, but you don't actually say that and the inference is not there).
(you need something that says "isle" or whatever it in turmoil and then what sort of turmoil).
while the Sun dips once more
extending past the horizon.
(the problem here is that the poem is a run on sentence. You need to create a thought and stop, then do it again instead of just rolling on and on. Poets use run on sentences a lot. It is a horrible habit and screws with the "internal logic").

As I said in another message, the poetry is good. The language use is good. The organization is lacking. Fortunately that is the easy part to fix.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Thanks for pointing out the punctuation errors and comment. I have effected the changes and hope the poem is now more organized.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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