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A Lonely Cottage On The Moor ~ October Contest

The window that I peer through
At summer's break of day;
Way out, afar, and near to
I see the dawn of May.
Through the age-old pane of glass,
A masterpiece for sure,
A portrait of a different class ~
A painted Yorkshire moor.

The sun alights the heather
Though not yet coloured mauve.
The season's fur and feather
Create a treasure trove.
The image through my window square,
Just as the sunlight, that day, came ~
A pictured landscape bordered there
Inside my cottage window frame.

The doorway that I step through,
The threshold to a dream;
When the daylight starts anew
An Eden, it would seem.
So when the squeaky handle turns
And creaking hinges swing,
The lark out in the meadow yearns
To, oh so sweetly, sing.

But evening comes for certain ~
I latch and bolt the door;
And tug and draw my curtain
When daylight is no more.
Then when I close my eyes asleep
The draughty night is born,
My window and my door will keep
Me snuggled till the morn.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

about windows and doors! I'll think that you have a great shot at winning this contest. Just one niggle; [mauve and trove] don't rhyme for me. Maybe it's the accent? Hmmmm? ~ Geez.
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Here in Old Blighty we pronounce mauve 'mowve'. I don't know how you pronounce it in The States, I've never heard anyone say it when I have been over there. I know how you guys pronounce trove as I have watched the Oak Island TV shows and those treasure trove seekers are mostly from the U.S. I know that whenever I have asked for a tomarto over there I have always ended up with a tomayto. I will look into it though.

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Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
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author comment

A wonderful vision I get here, you are lucky to live in surroundings that have so much beauty, sweet dreams are part and parcel of the serenity and peaceful place you live in, at least inside your own dreams. Just gorgeous and I haven't a problem with the rhyme being British myself.

Thank you...Teddy

out of my study window on this blustery Yorkshire morning Teddy, the first thing I see is a distant church spire then sprawling moorland beyond. The heather is still mauve, the grass vibrant green but the leaves on the trees have turned golden and red. They are so beautiful that the wind keeps coming along and stealing them. It was good to wake up this morning.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
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author comment

Sounds like a morning that sings autumn joys. I don't know if lonely would have been the word I would have used in your title, simply because
It doesn't seem lonely at all to me . A cottage on the moor is just as worthy. Anyway that's my thought. There's nothing more beautiful than the northern countryside. Especially autumn.

Thank you...Teddy

about the title Teddy. I may drop 'Lonely' after the contest. I try not to use other famous titles where ever possible and I thought of Elizabeth Helme's novel 'The Cottage on the Moor'. She wrote it in the 1780's so I don't think that she will sue me. As always it's good to hear from you.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
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author comment

I felt is if I was reading Kipling or maybe Yeats.

to say so Ray. I am a classical poet, a dinosaur in today's poetry world, we are a dying breed.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

Dear Alan, the others have said it all. A beautifully rhymed poem of your beloved Yorkshire moors. I pronounce "mauve" the way you do, having done my Overseas Cambridge Certificate! LOL.
You most certainly merit the prize for this contest.
Enjoyed so much, thanks for sharing such lovely verses, as always. All the best, Gracy

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

from someone with letters behind their name (Gracy, OCC).  I know that you too revere the place where you live.  This is apparent in your work and is one of the resons why your pieces are so special to us here.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
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author comment

HRH Teddy? (giggles) just teasing Alan.

Thank you...Teddy

Hello, Alan,
I think your poetry is good medicine. This particular poem is wonderfully soothing, comforting, gentle, peaceful, calming, tender, hopeful, serene, tranquil... all things good, and far from lonely. I am truly moved. I would drink up every delightful moment, and the only way I would ever be willing to go inside and latch and bolt the door is with the hope and promise to keep snuggled till the morn. Beautiful ending.
Thank you!
L

because it is true. You are too kind though, but I am pleased that you enjoyed the poem and that it is all the things you say. Autumn has arrived here now and the landscape is changing. The wind blows wildly for us at this time of year but it blows no ill and the sky rains golden leaves down upon us constantly. I wouldn't have it any other way.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

I REALLY like this poem, so I am going to an in-depth critique. Please do not take this as an insult:

The window that I peer through
At summer's break of day; (perhaps 'break of summer's day'? It's easier to read)
Way out, afar, and near to (aren't 'way out' and 'afar' pretty similar things?)
I see the dawn of May.
Through the age-old pane of glass,
A masterpiece for sure, (the 'for sure' in here seems like a space filler. Would it be possible to do something more creative?)
A portrait of a different class ~ ("Through the age-old pane of glass" and this line do not match in meter (7/8) which is a little awkward. Maybe add a beat to the first line or, even better, subtract one from this)
A painted Yorkshire moor.

The sun alights the heather
Though not yet coloured mauve.
The season's fur and feather
Create a treasure trove. (these four lines are exquisite)
The image through my window square,
Just as the sunlight, that day, came ~ (this whole poem has been present tense until you use 'came' here. This is confusing)
A pictured landscape bordered there
Inside my cottage window frame. (the logical assumption after reading 'bordered there' is 'BY my cottage window frame'. I know this does not have the right meter, but to say 'bordered' and then 'inside' is slightly redundant)

The doorway that I step through,
The threshold to a dream; (this is a little confusing to hear you're stepping through a doorway then switch to 'the threshold'. what about switching 'the' to 'this' to make it clear you're referring to roughly the same thing?)
When the daylight starts anew
An Eden, it would seem.
So when the squeaky handle turns
And creaking hinges swing,
The lark out in the meadow yearns
To, oh so sweetly, sing. (beautiful four lines)

But evening comes for certain ~ (this 'for certain' is redundant with the previous 'for sure' and again feels like a space-filler)
I latch and bolt the door;
And tug and draw my curtain (since you had the word 'and' in the previous line as part of the same sentence, what about saying 'then' at the beginning here since you can latch and bolt the door THEN tug and draw your curtain? This will cut down your 'and' use from an awkward three to the more grammatically correct two)
When daylight is no more.
Then when I close my eyes asleep (you say 'asleep' do you mean 'to sleep'? This makes more sense)
The draughty night is born,
My window and my door will keep
Me snuggled till the morn. (I love the meter of this stanza, but do you think "Me safe until the morn" might sound better than 'snuggled' since doors and windows aren't very snuggly?)

Otherwise, the ideas and message in this poem is so sweet and beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing.
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment with such a comprehensive review of my poem.  I will, of course, consider what you say very carefully.  Yours is great critique and realy does justice to Neopoet so I appreciate your input.  I suppose that we English have a different way of speaking to you Americans.

'Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong'
Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde

 

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
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author comment

that I have not offended you. Last time I critiqued on of your poems, I was afraid I might of. Oh, definitely, we speak quite differently, though I have always spelled 'color' as 'colour' for some weird reason. Probably all the British writers I read. (also, reading your poem aloud to myself in a British accent actually does make the whole thing make more sense! XD Should have done that at first, my bad)
I feel that quote so much.
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

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