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OF LONELINESS

It is not only when I am alone
That I feel cold hand of desertion
Loneliness gnaws at me all the time
I tipped with love, not returned
Like water on back of a fowl
Poured out without a receptacle

After the clattering noises of children
Young boys and girls find their nests
The babbling crowd only an illusion
The rumbling thunder roars the return
Of dry season and cold harmattan wind
I sat under the eve listening to the songs

Choral camp fire that lit the night sky
Reduced to a heap of ash and charcoal
Like the stars above twinkling by night
In silent distance when I close my eyes
Generations of faceless men gone by
Testify to the aloneness in the graves

Being unable to find you, enforced
By the absence of depth in darkness
Tell me by the coded secret signs
Will the bird return to build her nest
When the trees bloom, wet with rains
And the sun shines upon the greens?

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

So rich in language, imagery and levels of meaning. I am awed.

For once I am not going to offer any general or specific suggestions, the emotional and poetic experience of this work is sufficient unto itself.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I am glad you like this piece. Your comments and critique have been so helpful. I know now the areas that need improvement in my pieces, as in rhythm, rhyme and structure. I hope to get a formal lesson in these areas. Best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

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