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Like a lone lantern in the night

Like a lone lantern in the night
it's gentle beams like your fingers
playfully caressing me to ignite
a passionate thirst which lingers

Tossing and turning in my blues
like a lone lantern in the night
I bare my heart of nascent hues
fading in the pangs of my plight

My eyes now weary for your sight
flame slowly dimming in my heart
like a lone lantern in the night
it's flickering glow set to part

Come home to fan my desire
fuel my lust to glow as light
before I'm drained of all fire
like a lone lantern in the night

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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Comments

You should enter this one in the contest

A couple of little nits
'playfully caressing me to ignite' -- 10 syllables
'fuel my lust to glow as light' -- 7 syllables

As for 'desire' and 'fire' - I'm not sure that they are 3 and two syllables respectively...
The final 'r' in both are what are called diphthongs, and count as only a third beat... 'fire' and 'desire' are usually said, within a sentence, with one and two syllables respectively...

However, at the end of a sentence, one tends to drag the 'r' sound out..... if I were the judge, I would pass them.... but perhaps you need to seek a more knowledgeable opinion

one other tiny thing - you have used the word 'like' twice within the first two verses - a little close don't you think?

I love this Rag - it is the sort of theme for which the form was invented

Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

thanks for the lone comment...appreciate your pointing out the errors...and since it is not fitting in the Quatern Form, in all fairness I am withdrawing my false claim that it is a Quatern..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

idon't know what quartern or not

but this piece of exquisite poetic art
tells me some where in the hollow of my heart
lies a desire
a want and hope
like the lantern with darkness to elope
as the wanton flows
from with in all night
the desires glow
when the lantern will be out
none shall know
my life so does ebb but slow
I want her to know

come alongside once again
to glow
am i wrong to think so

dear sublime raj
only u know

appreciate your time to stop and comment

Thanks,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

and composed it
hope u did not mind it
ur lantern lights magnificently
it ignites fires brilliantly

Sometimes breaking the rules leads to a superior poem. I liked this a great deal and didn't notice the infractions.............stan

I too wrote a quatern breaking a rule I knew nothing about. I have withdrawn, but at least I received some positive comments on an old poem.
Yours however, is lovely. The quatern turn works for me, but I'm loosening in my later years.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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Thanks for your time and comment. I am not claiming this as a Quatern any more. If it doesn't fit a pattern, I just accept that fact and concede to it..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

It wouldn't take much to fix those two line and make them 8 syllabled
As for 'desire' and 'fire' - if I were you I wouldn't worry about them ... my comment was more a wondering about - I don't really know - and as I said, I tend to make 'fire' 2 and 'desire' 3 syllables, when they are placed at the end of the verse

Raj, this is what this site is supposed to be about - helping each other to improve our poetry
If you're going to always get disheartened when problems are pointed out and give up on a write, then what's the point?

Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Please know that I most sincerely appreciate your help for which I am ever grateful.In fact I appreciated the errors pointed out in good spirit and therefore deleted my claim that this is a Quatern so that it remains a simple poem..

Please keep being my harshest critic because I know you mean well...

Warm regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

but a well educated one. She helps me.
I wanted to get in on "fire" and "desire".
Start with fire which I pronounce with a single syllable, but let me tell you why.

When I was a kid I studied voice rather seriously. About nine years serious. One of the thing I of course was taught was to hold a vowel sound and not a consonant. So "fire" vocally would be "fiiiiiiiiiiiiiir. The ending is a diphthong. Just a quick turn at the end of the word.
So I tend to pronounce most words this way.
Just my way of looking at it.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Thanks

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Thanks. Already read the one you mention.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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