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Living Smile ((REVIEWED))

She danced that young night away with me
and left
an indelible memory

She simply waltzed away from me
as we were distant in dancing

Just merged into the glorification of existence
she danced away from me

She branded a smile upon my countenance
which cannot be erased
by the rubber of time

She lives in just my eyes

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credit Gee

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Good creativity Lovedly! I love the pattern of the poem. Very concise but needs the reader's scrutiny to unveil the language devices. The poem banged in my ears.

Short poems got my attention mostly when i read aloud to my self to hear the intent of the poet. A very slim verse but loaded with heavy figurative language therein.

like: young night (personifying the night), rubber of time, an indelible memory. These are the poetic ingredients that salted the poem to be officially served for all and sundry.

I believe a "smile does cost anything but achieves a lot. It please those who give it and harmless to those who received it. Although Its memory is just a short lived. But this type of smile i saw here is a very strong one which is not possible to forget. The persona in the poem is entangled firmly with her smile. Should i call her "an angel", maybe.

I was wondering this kind of smile which can't be erased by rubber of time. This lady's smile perhaps may be angelic smile which portrays kind and good. The smile unfolds the lady's beauty and its radiance.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

a trillions

author comment

That's good of you - truly i love the poem.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

the memory kind of thing. I guess most of poetry is about memories and the effects of them on us!
I would get rid of the word [just] in the first line. It makes the act of her dancing with you seem trivial.
Again, the use of the word [just] in the line " she left a branded smile upon my countenance." makes it seem a small thing.
Now, the use of [just] in the other places, does not carry the same meaning and is fine. I would do this work like this: [If you don't mind].

She danced that young night away with me
and left
an indelible memory

She simply waltzed away from me
as we were distant in dancing

Just merged into the glorification of existence
she danced away from me

She branded a smile upon my countenance
which cannot be erased
by the rubber of time

She lives in just my eyes

Hope this helps. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

I credited thee

author comment

The credit is not mine! I just happened to really feel this one and offer some advice. Without the core of your thoughts, this would not be possible. Giving advice is what we do here. You are the ultimate vendor. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

yes
and you render damn well

author comment

EXUBERANT
Ask Gee

author comment
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