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Lingering Scent

Submitted by sueb on Sat, 2012-11-24 12:56

Married a delectable rose
couldn't forsee the woes
her actions would compose

A flirtatious flower
men with kisses shower
her mysterious power

She spread her petals far and wide
his beautiful bride
no longer a source of pride

a lingering scent
he now repents
the passion he spent

His rose had thorns
his feelings scorned
her loss he mourns

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Ross Hamilton Hill

Sun, 2012-11-25 12:03

Ross Hamilton Hill's picture

I liked this, i'ts modest because it doesn't strain for effect, so it works (for me)
I'd love to see you break out into longer lines. more like
She spread her petals far and wide
which is the best line in this poem in my opinion, but even longer line, eg 12 syllables
best wishes
ross

sueb

Sun, 2012-11-25 13:08

sueb's picture

thanks Ross glad u enjoyed x

author comment

AnnaNJ

Sun, 2012-11-25 22:03

AnnaNJ's picture

I really liked your rhyme scheme here (and I'm not always a fan of rhyming so it's really impressive for me). I always loved the simplicity of it and how you're able to describe the woman with so few words.

sueb

Mon, 2012-11-26 04:45

sueb's picture

Hi what a lovely comment thanks so much I'm so glad u enjoyed and I did try and keep it simple have a gr8 day cheers x

author comment

loved

Sun, 2012-11-25 23:18

loved's picture

I am that rose
on which poetry I compose
men love roses too
and kiss one in front of you
so that you feel a twitch on your lips...
which!
heavens what are you asking me...

then they smile at you
and bring tears too
in whose eyes?
of course yours tears
of joy
but you don't wipe them off

then they prick and a drop of blood oozes ..
whose
yours of course
on the seemingly virginous night
yes
that's the insinuation right ...

so he bows and vows
with a red rose in hand
will you be mine
and so on...
have a good time
before you to a man's infatuation give in
your whimsical mind
he will move to another
soon find

loved

sueb

Mon, 2012-11-26 04:46

sueb's picture

hi loved a poem in response to a poem glad u enjoyed cheers x

author comment

Seren

Thu, 2012-11-29 06:28

Seren's picture

Just going through poems and found this one ... I love the theme but the rhyme for me felt forced .. maybe you could lengthen some lines to give it a better rhythm

I did like the theme but I just felt a little more work would make this one sing

sincerely Jayne-Chloe

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

sueb

Thu, 2012-11-29 06:37

sueb's picture

Hi Jayne-Chloe thanks so much for reading and commenting its much appreciated I'm a lazy write and write quick but I will try at a later date to re-work this one thanks a mil cheers x

author comment
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