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lights and words, (More Meter WS)
The stars of night shine bright upon the sky
At speeds of light they reach the earth, they say
The words we say are fast to reach their mark
At speeds so fast than lights we see, I’d say
You know the answer without another phrase
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Jess,
thanks for your help on Skype it was a pleasure to talk to you.
it was very nice of you to take the time to do that.
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New York City, N.Y. Spanish Harlem
Favorite Poets
P. Neruda, Jose de Diego, E. Dickenson, R. Frost, there are many more, but these had the greatest influence...
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Comments
Candlewitch
Fri, 2012-01-20 11:09
Dear Eddie,
It looks to me as if you have achieved your goal, although I'm far, far from being an expert. I comment to let you know that you are being read. You are taking to meter like a duck to water. Congratulations!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Eduardo Cruz
Fri, 2012-01-20 13:38
Cat,
I thank you for the vote of confidence, but like a "duck to water" is not true for me when I am trying to write it. I still can only hold my breath for a second. I will have to write many and I mean many before it becomes second nature. So that is my goal. I just feel without everyones help I would be lost to my own non-knowledge. Hahaha!
Eddie
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentweirdelf
Sat, 2012-01-21 00:39
Amost perfect
The stars of night shine bright upon the sky
At speeds of light they reach the earth, they say
The words we say are fast to reach their mark
At speeds faster than lights we see, I’d say
You know the answer without another phrase
The stars/ of night/ shine bright/ upon/ the sky [perfect]
At speeds/ of light/ they reach/ the earth/, they say [perfect]
The words/ we say/ are fast/ to reach/ their mark [perfect]
At speeds faster than /lights we/ see, I’d/ say [double stress, speeds fast)
[At speeds more fast than lights we see, I’d say]
You know/ the answ/er with/out an/other phrase [perfect]
cheers,
Jess
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William Saint George
Sat, 2012-01-21 08:41
"At speeds more fast than
"At speeds more fast than lights we see, I’d say"
I like this line better.
I like the poem because its short. Secondly, it defies physics in a way that's cute and quite charming. What I don't really get is the last line. However it connects to the poem, the whole thing works well.
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
Eduardo Cruz
Fri, 2012-01-20 23:45
Jess,
I thank you for your help on Skype. i hope that those who need help take advantage of you. hahaha!
Eddiw
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentwesley snow
Sat, 2012-01-21 21:14
I almost missed this somehow.
Eddie, it's awesome. Something has obviously clicked. I don't like the meter in the last line, but unlike earlier attempts (I mean this in the kindest way) when I wasn't sure that many "meter" decisions were being made, this line strikes me as comfortably deliberate. You knew what you wanted. It felt like an informed decision. It was cool. wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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Eduardo Cruz
Sun, 2012-01-22 15:44
Wes
you hit it, the last line is the whole poem. words travel harder and faster then light. so to go on explaining the damage they cause is fruitless, because I think we all understand that and yet we do it because we can. Sad, but true. it's just ego that gets in the way. I am so happy that you saw my intent in the last line.
thank you i do so respect your ablity to see beyond the structure we weave in our poems. Again respect to you!
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
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