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LIGHTNING BUGS (rhyme crime shop[internal rhyme])
We'd run for fun in the back yard
in guise of catching fireflies' glow
beneath the moon in early June
carefree as only kids can be
Bare toes too quick for mosquitos
to alight or much less bite upon
this time of year it would appear
memories of Memphis haunt the night
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
judyanne
Wed, 2012-06-06 09:09
my interpretation
you have mostly proper ryme here stan
run / fun
guise / fireflies (weak - feminine ending)
moon /June
carefree / can be
toes / mosquitos (with toes / too as near, and a very clever quick / mosquit -os)
alight / bite
year / appear
then one near - memories / Memphis
love judy
xxx
ps - i like the write
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Wed, 2012-06-06 09:03
Hi Judy
You have it dead on. I applied the KISS principal......Keep It Simple Stan but might submit another more complicated if my time permits...........stan
author commentwesley snow
Sat, 2012-06-09 22:18
I was caught wanting the rhyme in Judy's line also.
But nevertheless it's a cool go.
Note to self for next workshop- if asking the poet to use something from a list, have the poet indicate what he/she chose in the title. Thanks. I'm learning.
I'm hoping that everyone is listening here, but I'll probably mention this sometime on the syllabus page. Stan, you used the internal rhyme to do precisely what I've always thought it should. With few exceptions, your rhymes are placed judiciously to speed up the lines.
beneath the moon in early June
this time of year it would appear
One of the verses that didn't work as well in that respect is-
bare toes too quick for mosquitoes
This is a marvelous example of to use internal line to benefit.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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scribbler
Sat, 2012-06-09 23:58
Hi Wes
Thanks. The toes mosquitos line I guess must be read with "poetic voice" to work right. And I thus consider it a failure because in my opinion a poem should sound right without having to resort to poetic voice...........stan
author commentjudyanne
Wed, 2012-06-20 09:45
bare toes too quick for mosquitoes
i have to disagree with you wes
i think that trips over my tongue very happily
:)
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
weirdelf
Sat, 2012-06-23 23:17
I don't call it poetic voice,
I call it a mis-stressed rhyme, but I agree with you Stan, and it bugs me.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Sun, 2012-06-24 08:31
Hi Jess
What ever one labels it, it often gives me fits. My mind hears the cadence it wants instead of what's actually there. I seem to catch the stumbles in others' works more easily than my own because I have no preconceived notion of what the poem "should" sound like . Hence as I've said before, I'm a poor judge of my own poetry.........stan
author commentweirdelf
Mon, 2012-08-06 02:22
cadence is a word that has been coming to my mind
a lot in reading and critiquing lately.
I think we are starting to understand each other better.
I tend to agree with some of the previous crits that internal rhymes work better if half or partial rhymes, which leads to the whole world of assonance and consonance.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Mon, 2012-08-06 09:54
hi
I guess I figured if I was going to the trouble to rhyme I wanted the rhymes to be obvious (especially for a shop). I expect I've been doing a lot of internal rhyming without being aware of it.............stan
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