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A Lightness
Why does my head feel such lightness,
so softly my feet tread the ground?
She made no pledge, just a whisper
as her eyes dared to lock on mine.
Long had I yearned for some sign.
to ease my forlorn heart from fear,
of beating pain and aching need
for love I thought was never near.
Now laughter shines my happy eyes;
in freedom's ease I feel so light.
my step is soft; my head is clear,
I feel her essence moving near
T
Editing stage:
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Comments
raj
Wed, 2018-05-09 16:11
Hi tyro
This poem has a feel of relief in knowing that all is not lost but there is hope
in line 2 did you mean "tread" instead of "thread"?
..............................................................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
tyro
Wed, 2018-05-09 16:39
HI thanks raj for the catch.
HI thanks raj for the catch. and thanks for your comment
T
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
author commentgregwa8
Thu, 2018-05-10 01:59
this poem captures the game
this poem captures the game of desire well. reminds me a bit of John Donne.
tyro
Thu, 2018-05-10 03:28
thank you very much JRS,
thank you very much JRS,
all your suggestions were spot on, and I have edited accordingly.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
author commenttyro
Thu, 2018-05-10 03:31
quite a compliment gregwa8
quite a compliment gregwa8
thank you very much.
T
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
author commentRula
Thu, 2018-05-10 09:36
Awesome
as usual dear friend with v.tender voice. However, I would change one of the two 'near' as repeated too close. Just an opinion. I've already enjoyed the read.
Thanks for sharing.
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lovedly
Thu, 2018-05-10 15:03
So nice
BUT
so softly my feet tread the ground?
WHY THE QS MARK!
I WONDER
maybe silly of me
IRiz
Thu, 2018-05-10 19:11
I like the poem.
Your poem reminds Shakespeare's sonet. But I think the old topic asks for a newer form.
It feels like more or less precise meter and I am not sure I like it.
Free form would be my choice.
IRiz
tyro
Fri, 2018-05-11 14:44
Dear Rula,
Dear Rula,
You are right about the using near so close together. I think I need to fix that but solutions do not come easily to my head. I will give it some thought.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
author commentraj
Fri, 2018-05-11 15:05
Butting in
How about an alternate to "I feel her essence moving near" as "I feel her essence saunter"?
................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
tyro
Fri, 2018-05-11 14:49
Hello lovely
Hello lovely
The first two lines are one sentence, in the question form, starting with why.
Lovely, I like the name(lovely), and the red rose.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
author commenttyro
Fri, 2018-05-11 14:52
Hi IRiz
Hi IRiz
more than 90% of my writes are free verse, but now and than I want to practice with meter. What are you views about the nears?
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
author commentIRiz
Fri, 2018-05-11 21:07
Hi Tyro,
Hi Tyro,
I like poems with a precise rhythmic pattern.
It makes me want to repeat the poem endlessly.
Content and meter are connected.
One helps another. It is a matter of taste how to put them together. My taste is very subjective.
Calm contemplating content and precise repetitive meter are for each other. Passion and strong feelings are better in more complex cadence or in free form.
IRiz