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At the light of the moon (March Contest)

At the light of the moon

It's dark outside, a dreamer's wish
She raised her wishes in a dish
The Caribbean, flying fish
She checkmarks dream cruise on her list.

Though the light of the moon thus lit
It's dark outside, a dreamer's wish
Her lifelong dreams are coming true
Virgin Islands, her blues are few.

Her sight is on new adventure
Hawaii her July venture
It's dark outside, a dreamer's wish
Her dreams coming true, perfect fit.

A modest life, simple living
Saving pennies, modest giving
Light of the moon, a dreamer's list
It's dark outside, a dreamer's wish.

Last few words: 
What u think
Editing stage: 
Contest: 

Comments

its the voice of the speaker that strikes me most, lovely poem

A nice poem, but definitely not a quatern. You can get the form and the details under March Contest.
Just thought I should tell you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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I went by the example in the syllabus
Guess I was so focus on the rhyme s hem I didn't realize or understand the refrain.

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author comment

I went by the example in the syllabus
Guess I was so focus on the rhyme s hem I didn't realize or understand the refrain.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
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author comment

I endorse Rula's comment..going a step further..to make it easier for you, I am copying and pasting below the guidelines / rules for a poem to qualify as a Quatern...hope it helps you in editing your nice poem to qualify it for the Contest...i would love for you to get it right..
======================================================
A Quatern is a sixteen line French form composed of four quatrains. It has a refrain that is in a different place in each quatrain.The first line of stanza one is the second line of stanza two, the third line of stanza three, and the fourth line of stanza four.

A quatern has eight syllables per line.It does not have to be Iambic or follow
a set rhyme scheme.

line 1
line2
line3
line 4

line 1
line2 (line1)
line 3
line 4

line 1
line 2
line 3 (line 1)
line 4

line 1
line2
line 3
line 4 (line1)

Example :
True Love, Redefined

One day she hopes true love to find,
One soul, one mind, two hearts entwined;
Somewhere out there's the perfect guy,
For Youth has set her standards high.

He must be rich, handsome, refined,
One day she hopes true love to find,
Yet no one seems to measure up
And disappointment fills her cup.

The years go by, her nights grow long,
Her aging voice sings sorrow's song,
One day she hopes true love to find,
Her definition's redefined;

Simply a plain and faithful friend
To see her to life's journey's end;
For though her face with age be lined
One day she hopes true love to find.
====================================================
Best wishes and regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I had it copied pasted in my document so I could follow it as I wrote this piece. I didn't realize the refrain. So i will focus on it as I exit.

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author comment

I just copied and pasted the tips which Stan had provided in the contest tab to make it easier for you rather than searching for it. Didn't llmow you had already done that. The changes made by you are good and I believe fit into the framework for Quatern.

Best wishes,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Your critique open my eyes. So I hD to figure out what a Quatern was. Even reading the syllabus i got it wrong lol

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
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author comment

let's talk about you running a workshop. That was a very organized explanation even if the information came from somewhere else. We all research the subject of an upcoming workshop. For example I'm spending a fair amount of time studying the Ballade for a future workshop. I'm studying its history, the forms and how they have changed and its relationship to the ballad.
In other words, just what you did. I'll also wager that copying and pasting the information gave you the chance to read it again.

The best way to learn something is to teach it.

Think about it.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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You should use this as your refrain.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I sure will use it as my refrain.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
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author comment

Hope the refrain work well in all for stanzas

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
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author comment

Well I'm late enough getting here that I get to see the corrected product lol. I like the poem but you need to check stanza 3 line 1.Either sights are or sight is. Best of luck in contest........stan

Remembering correct grammar is a challenge. Lol

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
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author comment

Over the caribbean, flying fish - 10 syllables

She checked off cruise on her list - 7 syllables

Yet her dream did come true - 6 syllables

The Virgin Islands her blues are few - 9 syllables

Her sights is on another adventure - 10 syllables ( and you need to change 'is' to 'are' - grammar)

Hawaii a glorious venture - 9 syllables

The light of the moon, a dreamer's list - 9 syllables

a lovely poem - good luck in the contest
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I did not know we had to count syllables. What is the correct syllanle count?

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
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author comment

Raj has posted them here for you
Each verse is to have 8 syllables
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

My eyes missed that part. I read it twice. Lol. Thanks for telling me anyway.
Yall getting to know me. Wish I cloud change that "can't follow instructions quality" got fired from two jobs bc of it, so I was told, back in 91 (10 months total) the only time I ever work at a real job. lol

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
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author comment

it almost seems to me that our poems are opposites! i like that. aside from your syllable count in some spots, this is a nice quatern. good job.

Mag

I'm not aquatinted with Quatern do I didn't know I had to adhere to syllanle count.. What count should I be looking for.?

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
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author comment

Per verse Brarb.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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Appreciate you telling me any way. Ppl hate telling me the obvious when it's right there. Lol

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
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author comment

.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Thanks I thought it was lol

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
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author comment

One suggestion - verse 4 stanza 1 'checkmark' - needs an 's'
a really good quatern - congratulatons

xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thanks, once I get it I got it. Glad you like and appreciate the suggestion

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
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author comment

love this one too. Can't say much about the quatrain 'cos I'm not well verse in it myself.

Alid

Thanks I wasn't verse in it before the march contest. I never heard of Quatern bf March contest.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
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author comment
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