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Life In The Rearview...

I felt as though it were a dream
the feeling was so strong
Little things in the picture
looked and felt all wrong

I looked up at the ticking clock
hanging on the wall
I listened hard and heard them
my footsteps in the hall

An insistent voice inside my head
wondered what was up
Telling me that it's okay
you just awoke abrupt

It happens now and then you see
this kind of thing... it does
I understand it now of course
when you're dreaming of what was

It's like a poor made copy
quickly filmed in haste
Held together with spit and tape
or maybe school-room paste

The scene replayed with old film
projected on a sheet
The wrinkles make it blurry
instead of ironed-neat

This is a different race
there are no more to run
I don't care about placing first
I'm just doing it for fun

Fill the tank with premium
tune that engine fine
Make sure that you are ready
when you get to the starting-line

So, keep on trucking man
pedal to the floor
Give it gas and don't worry
about things that were before

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Wow, I love your title and the message of "what ever happens go forward the ride is ours to feel" in any case we can get to where we are going and don't look back, there's nothing we can do about the past........................................ It's full of metaphor. Fantastic piece.

Your 4th stanza,
when you dream of things that was, maybe were instead of was? Just a thought.

Loved every stanza sir.

Thank you...Teddy

the result of having two conversations about my ex-wives and my children, within twenty-four hours. One was with my oldest child; huh, child? He has just turned fifty-two and the other was with my niece and since she is now a woman, I hesitate to tell her age. Let's just say that she remembers my first wife. The conversations ranged from whatever happened? To my son saying that he is glad that my first wife and I had settled our differences before she died and that the past is the past and we should try to forgive and forget and get on with the things that are happening now. My niece agrees and had her own experiences to share and we had a good time talking about the "old days". These conversations must have been in my mind as I went to sleep the other night and I had a dream that I was dreaming and things didn't look quite the same as I remembered. P.S. I wanted to keep the rhyme by using [was] instead of were. ~ Geez.
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author comment

This is written almost like you are addressing Me personally lol. Hmmmm......maybe school house instead of school room?

Was and were, yes, I thought that, but sometimes I have to keep you dancing.

Yes your family sounds like any normal family my friend. It's good to talk though even if sometimes things get remembered that we find uncomfortable. After a few moments we repair ourselves!

Nice one Geezer.

Thank you...Teddy

it was quite theraputic and it was good to catch up with my son, [who lives in Minnesota] and my niece that lives nearby. ~, Geez.
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Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
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author comment

that if someone says that it could have been written especially for them, it means that they really got the message. If that is the case, then it was written especially for those that feel that way. I hope that makes sense. As I have explained, this is the product of a couple of recent conversations. I am glad that it resonated with you. I think that school house and school room could be used interchangably here and it doesn't really matter, but thanks for the suggestion. ~ Geez.
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Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
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author comment

"Dream things that were - what was." might this fix your problem?
Sorry for saying that at the beginning. XD I sat here for like ten minutes trying to figure out how that could be fixed, and the above line came like a clap of thunder. Hope it helps.
Apart from that, I really do love this poem. Yes, your internal logic and language use are great. Your meter, also, is excellent. Save for the 7th verse, that is. The last two lines are off by three beats (all together). Ln3: "I don't care to place first" evens that out Ln4: "I'm doing it for fun" also evens out. However, the con of these two lines is that you lose some more powerful language, so it's a question of which to sacrifice: meter or power? I really don't know what I would choose, but those are my thoughts.
And the last line reminds me of a song called "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again". Beautifully powerful ending. It sums the whole poem up. Well done.
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

for the idea of how to fix that line. This is what I love about this place, there is always someone that sees a line or method a
bit differently and can help. I love it when everyone thinks that it is 'perfect' but I really love it, when someone comes along and helps make it better. As to the minor sacrifice of meter for power? I'll take the power everytime. Thank you for your excellent review. ~ Geez.
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Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
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author comment

I actually really, really like the other line you changed that out for even better! It boosts the flow of your poem and is, by far, better than my suggestion. XD But you're welcome anyhow!
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

the spring that caused that 'better" line, so thanks again! ~ Geez.
.

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
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author comment

you are going EPICURIAL
LIKE SNOW MAN
I can't read beyond 20 lines
lol
must be good so many have spoken
friend make hay ere
may day may day may day
old will stay as always

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