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Life

Submitted by Dennis Go on Tue, 2011-01-18 19:32

I came from nowhere
In my dream
Or should I say,
Nightmare; but things
Are a lot smoother.

The pit I have dug in
Came forth with flowers
When I woke up.

Life's but a shallow grave
In the tomb of reality.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing

Comments

Dennis Go

Wed, 2011-01-19 16:38

Dennis Go's picture

I just heard that neopoet is up and I really do must be with you guys again. :)

I prefer the "When I woke up" thing. The "then" would change the entire scenario.

Thanks for the suggestion.

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

Eduardo Cruz

Tue, 2011-01-18 23:34

Eduardo Cruz's picture

I love the reference to life is a tomb, because we all live encased in our own thoughts. there is a great loneliness to that situetion which we live everyday.
this is an excellent poem. the shallowness of life truly feels like it is easy to dig and find the reality. So the flowers is a great metaphor that shows its beauty
great job!!
Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Dennis Go

Tue, 2011-01-18 23:46

Dennis Go's picture

Thanks a lot for taking the time and commenting on my work.

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

Dennis Go

Wed, 2011-01-19 07:57

Dennis Go's picture

Nice to be back! It's nice to see you again. :)

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

Kailashana2

Wed, 2011-01-19 06:32

hi Dennis, I was pleased to see your name, welcome back!

For me, it would work better if you personalized the end line.

My life a shallow grave
in the tomb, I find reality.

~

Dennis Go

Wed, 2011-01-19 08:01

Dennis Go's picture

Nice to see you again.

Thanks for the suggestion, but I like the end lines as it is. :)

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

Dennis Go

Wed, 2011-01-19 15:48

Dennis Go's picture

Thanks Lonnie!

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment
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