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Liberty 2 (Mindful memorable workshop)

Freedom and liberty,
so often a catchphrase
sacrificing sanity
at the end of a smoking gun.

They're not concepts of faith or belief
they are complex ideas with no absolutes
that require thought, sacrifice, and grief
and need to weigh loss with answers.

We live together for better or worse
and freedom to kill is often the first
liberty lost.

So we consider what it means
when we lose the right to cause harm or blame
and gain the good of mutual nurture
guiding us to a better future.

(the original)
Liberty is only defined by the people who use it.
Americans can be so fucking stupid.
We don't have guns
so criminals find it very hard to get guns.

We have willingly given away the liberty to vote.
You know what that means?
People who can't afford the fine, vote.
So we have a better than one percent democracy.

This is not a poem, it has no poetic values.
But I post it as something of meaning and value.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
I tried to write a real poem on the subject
Editing stage: 

Comments

You know this is a Poe thing, opening a can of worms lol..

There is a statue, can you believe sent to the USA as a present called Liberty, a torch in one hand and a book in the other, I wonder what the torch is for, is it to burn the books of individual Freedom??
.
Liberty:-
Is the ability of individuals to have agency (control over their own actions).
.
When was the last, or first time any western Country or any country in the world could say that their people had Liberty.
For thousands of years we have had a series of religious sects even going back four thousand years and more, that stole true Liberty.
I hate to say it but the true Karl Marks way of organising things was OK but Greed took over and that was it.
Billionaires from Russia buying football teams in England the seat of whatever, and we treat them so well, makes me bloody sick.
There are no true systems at the moment that can come out of suppression to be of any use to Humons, we will be run by wars, greed and suppression for many years to come.
Yours Ian.T
PS:- It's not even Sunday lol

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

thankyou

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I say that this, though good as a statement of views, is hoping to cause a discussion about politics, I think that the USA should look after its own affairs. But I had to say something lol
As to memorable words it didn't fit the bill, I don't think that anyone will remember it after reading, lol it's not alas poor Yoric A middle name added for the sole purpose of sounding more kick ass when
introducing one's self.
I think that you are of a standard much better than this, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

that you guys got it so differently, and wrote many times more words than words than the poem.

I feel like I done good.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Did you know the reason for our founders putting the right to bear arms in our constitution? It was in case the government got so bad that a revolution was required to change it, the citizens would have the means to do so. This is a thing which is almost always overlooked in the gun control debates. (or maybe we now fear to voice it).

And now the vote is given to mobs who are hardly even informed about the issues. It is my hope that the coming revolution here will be by ballot but one way or another the pendullum Will swing back................stan PS nice whatever you choose to call it lol

It cannot change things but years ago a young girl wrote to me on the web for a poetry site this short piece:-

Terror in the Halls
~
What if tomorrow the world stops in spin
And the ones that were hated dared to win
Whist if someone goes crazy like times before
and an unnoticed child brings hell through the door
Will tomorrow be our last
ending in our death
Pleading for our lives as we take our last breath
Eight school shootings in the past two years
What were once nightmares have become daily fears
Silent halls turn into blood baths in action
As the killers move on with a new satisfaction
What happened to security and tightly locked doors
What drove these kids looking for so much more
The little mysteries we may never understand
So many lives taken by barely a man
We shouldn't have to worry when we go to school today
For someone's life in shatters causing the innocent to pay
How did these kids get so easily inside
Without any purpose or reason to hide
Well today I stand up, and I stand up tall
And I vow to stand against any more terror in the hall

Toflyami

This was after a school shooting and the effect it had on her must have been terrifying, but it made a Memorable impression on my mind.
I have one here some place also of a young girl that wrote about her brother in Africa that was an innocent bystander and was killed.
It is sad that we need to bear arms in our own streets, but that it our wonderful evolution, thanks for your pointing out another reason for that law you have in USA.
The Tea party is over, sanity must reign....
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Government and Citizens shoot out at the OK Carole? that's happening already across the world. Citizens bringing down their governments. Guns. I surely don't want America to end up like that, It seem envitable as the political arena get nastier. I have never seen or heard anything this bad in america. Just saying.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I don't either. But the founding fathers had experience in the old world of peasants being trampled upon by those who had weapons (usually kings ) and having to bear it because they had no means to resist. If one reads the constitution it mentions that there comes a point in human affairs when tyranny can no longer be tolerated that it is the right for citizens to rebel by establishing well armed militia (armed civilians) to resist.

Fortunately they also set up the means to change gov't without war. But I hope the electorate wakes up in time to stop the power grab by the federal government before it comes to armed revolution............stan

i'm watching the political arena closely and see prophetic events being played out. Knowing the whys of it all from your point of view adds to my knowledge as civil unrest intensifies. i fear not the coming of a great tribulation as the bible says such a thing would happen and hope of a better world will soon prevail at an appointed time....
One reason for me being no part of this mess is the best place for biblical reasons. Its why i prefer not to vote, but as a american citizen is concern about equal equality of life which is due all regardless of race, creed, or nationality.
I leave Government actions to a higher authority. I don't feel its my place to try fix them. i may see death before this revolutions ends, but have hope in a resurrection to a better word unlike this one. Christianly speaking.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I can't recall who said it but "All that is required for evil to prevail is that good men do nothing" is correct ............stan

No disagree there 'people kill people' 'guns can be turned into pruning shears' to make a more peaceful world.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

just a couple of points I am not sure about:

yes, Americans can be stupid, very stupid, but that quality is universal.
when you say you don't have guns do you mean rifles and shotguns as well as handguns,

Americans vote (in national elections) at about a 50% rate, I think, or are you speaking of the differential. I'm not sure more votes would necessarily change that.

liberty is worth talking about, so good on you for that

any way, keep shaking it up
I enjoy your posts (a guilty pleasure of mine! )

Al

Pregnancies and politics..
there is some wavelength theme there Lonnie

My Firm opinion on this is a rhyme rap style poem
here Us it..and Stu pid have a rap rhyme thing
going on I wrote something out but deleted
the comment to re write this instead

censoring the penis
and womb
and making flaccid the handgun
would be a transformation
of epic proportions

something that Politics
cant handle yet
American like all leaders
are vigorous

Ben Franklin had it going on
and poor women are traded
like young farm livestock
in rich and poor levels
from the time they can
reproduce to long before
and after the legal statutes
of Moral actiivities

children are taught more about
handguns then about fertility
and drive

Science fiction gave us notions
about the future or a kind of
thought view

we can write poetry too about
our version of Utopia
Liberty here in this view
this poem means much more
a new form of identity about
LIBERTY

makes me think
can go on and on about
these issues

to make this a mindful and memorable one -as suggested by Beau- I think you need to make it a universal one. After all, who doesn't miss REAL LIBERTY?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I wanted to say that its amazing how we
still think that a womans body is something
that Society thinks they should take over
and control....Everyone can have a gun
at the legal age Something that kills more
people on person to person in passion and rage and
insanity and accident then lives brought into the
world

I keep thinking what would happen if we had this
leader that hypnotized us
an Uber Man (would have to be now) this time
and somehow gained mass power

doled out guns but you must join a party
can either be a ordinary or extra ordinary depending
on intelligence and looks and breeding capabilities

Women categorized on age and prospect of breeding
given much but cannot be in control of their reproduction

whomever doesnt work out is sent to work camps
spied on

ESPECIALLY THE POETS

over forty
work camp for you
hmmm twelve
the future looks good
Good eyes
intelligent
good genes

oh and get rid of voting
just accept a ruling class
all that gettting out to vote
and contributions
wastes time

That is scary

Orwell Ville
and old Marxdonald had a farm

since you have caused such a discourse over this write , you should now challenge yourself and turn it into a poem

but one thing i will query, for now, is that compulsary voting... i would like the right not to vote. to not be responsible for putting any of the idiots into power

but apart from my own desires - i think that the forcing of us to vote (or pay the fine as you say) results in all those donkey votes, from those that are really not interested, that really belie the truth of that 'one per cent democracy'

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

is this Parliamentary enough ???
coming from the poetic horses mouth ??
but am I glad that Esker says...

'''''censoring the penis
and womb
and making ....flaccid ....the handgun
would be a transformation
of epic proportions...'''
what penisilian creativity.......wowowow real imagination from a truest poet

I would replace ....epic ...with EJACULATORY proportions...

If you permit me i will poetify it

loved

Liberty who art thou
definition of what mass utility

Americans can be so, fuckingly stupendous
as human guns, penises they replace with toys
so women find it easy to find replacement,
As many guys worry of theirs being
more off than on
we relinquish the right to vote
as we flaunt liberty
in all spheres of life
none is sure what they mean
liberty what?
none know what it implies
those who can't afford the one night
rather bank on privacy called democracy
vote or not
they damn will not ask ,
yet rig
they may as you dig

this is a free verse poem American style,
who is born to challenge me!
my poem has poetic substance
free style for all different nights…

loved

long long ago there was a big Puff
and man came to be
He had it all
animals trees
things
and then a woman
made from his side
fashioned while he took a nap
So then he got tempted by the
satan who got him kicked outta
da club

but he got some duds
had a bad bitching time
his kids slewed each other
with rocks
there was some poor weather
conditions and some plagues
and all

then science came along
and man crafeted his "Liberty"
machine
it was named COLT

things have been going fine since
then

amen

(I like Elaculatory very much!!!)

mindful and memorable. I wanted to point out that content is everything. This succeeded in being mindful, but certainly failed as memorable. It just provoked an argument.

I could re-write it with prosodic values that would make it more memorable, but only short term really. There is nothing extraordinary here.

Content! Let's really think about the effect we want to have on our readers.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

The gist of being memorable is having enough of an emotional effect on the reader that he/she remembers it!!!! (But there's nothing Wrong with a bit of rhyme and rhythm thrown in to make it easier to recite later)............stan

Better?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

On the 22nd of December this year we will go back to the start of my 5200 year calender. If you can remember my work.
This is why it is in stone, it wouldn't fit on a desk, and there were rumours of people throughout the world burning books.
So I ask you all to make the next 5200 years a time to improve all the things we disregard. start to put your houses in order, a world Spring clean, that uses common sense and the unconditional love of all to form a solid base.
Then let us get rid of:-
Poverty
Starvation
Homeless Children & Grown ups
Sickness of body and mind
Wars of Greed.
Religious Fantasy.

Let us build a thing called "family" this is a hard thing to do it starts with responsibility to others, a coming together of people starting small at first around the dinner table.
How true the old words of "A family that eats together stays together".
I shall not see the results of the next 100 years, but I believe if we can get a message to that many people things will start to improve, otherwise you will have to learn Chinese and build your houses further from the beaches, Yours Cata Strophe

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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