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Liberator (by: eddy styx)

"Liberator"

Under a street lamp
within its sickly yellow glow,
she found me starving.
Looking deeply into
my famished eyes,

"I'll feed you." She said,
"In return, you must feed me...
what is it you're craving?"

I replied
with digits twitching,
"I want to touch my fingers
to that translucent, milky shadow,
Ahhhhh...
just there
at the base of your throat
where the pulse
beats like butterfly wings
And I want to taste the death
from your lips..."

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Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
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Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
a poem by my Male alter ego, eddy styx
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Not Explicit Content
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Comments

The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Liberator" by eddy styx is a haunting and sensual piece that explores the power dynamics of desire and the hunger for connection. The speaker is a figure of desperation, found under a street lamp in the sickly yellow glow of urban decay. The woman who finds him offers to feed him, but at a price - he must feed her in return with his desire.

The imagery in this poem is vivid and visceral, with the speaker's famished eyes and twitching fingers conveying a sense of physical need. The line "where the pulse beats like butterfly wings" is particularly effective, evoking the delicate and ephemeral nature of desire. The use of the word "death" in the final line adds a layer of darkness to the poem, suggesting that the speaker's hunger for connection may ultimately lead to his own destruction.

One possible line edit could be to change "I want to taste the death from your lips" to "I want to taste the sweetness on your lips". This would soften the final line of the poem, making it less ominous and more in line with the sensuality of the rest of the piece.

Overall, "Liberator" is a powerful and evocative poem that explores the complex nature of desire and the ways in which it can both liberate and destroy us.

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you had it nailed up until the death line. as that is what defines the heart of the poem. but, thank you.

*respectfully, eddy styx

*
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author comment

to be apt, in that she will be liberated from all her worries.
If the vampire honors the agreement, she will be amply rewarded.
The language use is good and stimulates the reader's imagination.
The rhythm, pace and pattern is well established and nothing sticks out to interrupt the flow.
The beginning led into the story with all you need to know about the situation and conversation.
The end was a bit abrupt, but certainly leaves the reader wanting more! The internal logic is laid bare
[like her throat]. I definitely want more! ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

thank you for the detailed critique that you always do so well. I'm working on a part two to this little tale. I have a feeling it will be hard pressed to beat. but I will give it my all.

from one perfectionist to another, eddy styx

and Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

I am literally blown away by this poem, I didn't find the ending abrupt I found it thrilling, there is a sensuous darkness about it the exchange, I felt like voyeur but in a good way, it's so good to be back reading your poetry.

I absolutely love this poem!

Much Love and biggest hugs Lilbit xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

thanks for giving me your reaction to my poem. I appreciate both you and it! your Bro...

*ever eddy

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Sinister and compelling, I love it. Your descriptions are fantastic and I found myself watching the scene, as I read the poem. The butterfly wings as a representation of the pulse in the neck, what a delight. Well done. Ruby :)

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

you have a way with words... a nicer compliment I haven not had in a long time! thank you!

*ever, eddy styx
*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment
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