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levenslang stil

Here within lies
a recollection
of large talons
that tear smooth

creamy flesh

a cadence ricochets
off paint peeled walls
of the clatter as soles
strike dry dirt and stone

blood rushes

two sets of eyes
squint and scan
backs hunched low
only darkness shields

momentary peace

words mumbled
in restless sleep
betray the vessel
of secrets deep

burial crypt

posterity's portal
reveals a clue
gravestone cipher
the silent cue.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
. Speak now or forever be still.... The title would suggest in Nederlands, a lifetime of silence. Minimalist punctuation attempts to achieve internal natural punctuation cues and a broader/more extensive use of line breaks and spaces.
Editing stage: 

Comments

CB,

you gave me a big problem with this piece...I had read it before! Are you Freds Kesner?

I read this a while back and loved it...but not being a member of that community I never gave it a comment...and now I can here on Neo.

The minimalistic punctuationa and short lines work a dream with this piece and I see you have added my favourite element of your writing; the one or two line breaks between verses...that works so well...I may have to try that myself!

Particularly like:

two sets of eyes
squint and scan
backs hunched low
only darkness shields

that stanza opens up the hidden side of this piece...there are two here, not just one!

In short, great short lines, imagery spot on as I have become to expect with your work, and yet again a piece that sends new thoughts and emotions with each read,

nice job!

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

dear HS, and my ndp in most sites would be crypticbard. I have not found a suitable replacement, over the years I have found that it is misnomer since in the end of it all nothing is quite cryptic as it first seems. Thank you for having finally gotten back to me with your feedback. Your interaction is much appreciated. My experimentation with 1 or 2, sometimes even 3 line breaks has been an enjoyable challenge. On occasion I manage to weave 2 or more poems into one, giving a totally different level of experience to reading a poem. It's like those songs in the 70s (?) where two singers sing two songs simultaneously or in reply to one another (almost like a dialogue). Again, my gratitude for sharing your experience with this poem.I hope that some day down the road you will find the need to come back to revisit this poem again, if only for the poem's sake and its message. Cheers.

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'Break, break break on thy cold grey stones, O Sea.'

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