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Let us hear their call

Do we hear their call
when they bloom to get noticed
craving to say Hi

Do we hear their call
when they sway on gentle breeze
in colorful frocks

Do we hear their call
when they flirt with butterflies
in a play full dance

Do we hear their call
in their mute prayers and songs
in wreaths and bouquets

Do we hear their call
when in silence they emote
a tiny dew drop

Do we hear their call
while they bid us their goodbyes
and fade from our lives

Let us never count
all these blessings in disguise
to love and be loved

These darling Angels
beckon us in all seasons
Let us hear their call

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 

Comments

What structure is this?

I enjoyed the poem until I read the last two stanzas. I loved the ambiguity before that: the poem could be about many things, and I was perfectly happy with that, until you told us you were writing about "blessings". The mystery of the uncertain immediately vanished.

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

Thanks for your time and read..Sorry to know that it somewhat spoiled the experience for you upon reaching the stanza about mystery...

Using the Haiku syllable sequence of 5-7-5 I have attempted to draw the attention to the flowers who are such a blessing to us and are there for us through thick and thin and yet many a times they get ignored in our busy lives....

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I didn't notice this was a string of haiku. And now you speak of flowers? I did not notice that in the poem.

It's brilliant, but less brilliant (to me) because of the last two stanzas.

Great job :)

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

Thanks again for the visit and an appreciative comment. I will certainly take a re-look at the last two stanzas and improvise to the best possible extent....appreciate your feed back on that Williams....

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

The format is very digestible and I enjoyed it thoroughly, but I wonder if you could let the poem be just a touch more ambiguous through the first stanzas - I could feel it was about the flowers the second I read bloom, and perhaps you could use words that refer something more aloof from flowers then relieve the tension of not knowing a little in the middle of the poem? Something that might help is to think about the different significances of the flower and the many perspectives you can view it from - those that scientific, mythological, cultural, and so forth.

I thought the last two stanzas were overly saccharine, that to get across your point of flowers being a blessing you don't need to describe them as 'Angels' for they are miraculous without associating them with Godly connotations.

Regardless, this poem engaged and was very pleasant to read. Thankyou.

Thank you for the read and providing your take and suggestions too about modifying the approach in terms of keeping it a bit mysterious at the start, revealing the mystery towards the middle and not referring to Flowers as God's creations as I have done towards the end. I will let you comments sink in and also wait for few more responses from other readers before tweaking this one.

Truly appreciate your deliberations and comments and thank you for your words of appreciation too.

Regards

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I think this is lovely I happened upon it before bed I will give it another read tomorrow night and see if I cant offer any suggestions, hugs, sorry I haven't been round much I have had lots going on here plus we are all melting away to nothing its so damn hot here 3am and only just hit 25 degrees celsius going to try and get some sleep before the heat hits again

love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Thanks for the read and your encouraging comment. Will look forward to your suggestions when you get to visit again. They are most welcome.

Take care and enough spells of rest.

Much love and hugs..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

very good imagery and one which reminds us of some of the good things that we overlooked in this life....

Alid

Thanks Alid for your comment, you read it right, we at times take the beautiful things in life g\for granted and overlook them in our busy lives...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

A complex write with the use of Haiku's throughout it would have given you more leeway had you written in Renga form, this gives you that 7 syllables of two lines between each Haiku.
I think that writing in this form you have to make the reader know, and see the whole picture in your choice of words.
As William says the last two stanzas could have been better.
Your write was up there with the best so keep writing,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

What is a Renga form and how does it differ from Haiku?

Alid

This type of poetry is usually a joint effort but can be used by one poet, Barbara writes has an ongoing Renga that quite a few of us contributed to. You will find a lot of different types of writing poetry on my A-Z of poetry..
Have a look, Yours Ian .T

Poetic Form: Renga

Renga, meaning "linked poem," began over seven hundred years ago in Japan to encourage the collaborative composition of poems. Poets worked in pairs or small groups, taking turns composing the alternating three-line and two-line stanzas. Linked together, renga were often hundreds of lines long, though the favored length was a 36-line form called a kasen. Several centuries after its inception, the opening stanza of renga gave rise to the much shorter haiku.
To create a renga, one poet writes the first stanza, which is three lines long with a total of seventeen syllables. The next poet adds the second stanza, a couplet with seven syllables per line. The third stanza repeats the structure of the first and the fourth repeats the second, alternating in this pattern until the poem’s end.
Thematic elements of renga are perhaps most crucial to the poem’s success. The language is often pastoral, incorporating words and images associated with seasons, nature, and love. In order for the poem to achieve its trajectory, each poet writes a new stanza that leaps from only the stanza preceding it. This leap advances both the thematic movement as well as maintaining the linking component.
Contemporary practitioners of renga have eased the form’s traditional structural standards, allowing poets to adjust line-length, while still offering exciting and enlightening possibilities. The form has become a popular method for teaching students to write poetry while working together.
Good luck…

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

so you mean to say it is never written by a single poet but a joint effort.wow, that must be really hard.

Alid

Thanks. You have more than answered my questioning mind and stimulated it to either try to convert this poem into Renga or attempt a new one altogether.

Regards.

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Appreciate your visit and your suggestion. Could you please give an illustration of Renga Form. I would be keen to try converting this to Renga once I get a hang of it. Hope I am not encroaching too much on your time.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

There is no such thing as time but just a position in space lol:- here is Renga 4 that Barbara monitored us doing..

Neopoet Renga 4

Heavenly sovereign
Almighty rightfully rules
Earthly citizen.

Terrene ruler ship struggle
blue, red fight for sovereignty

They lost their belief
Because they refuse to see
The goodness inside

Walk now with purest feelings
Of Unconditional love

Till time comes we meet
Those gone before us again
On heavenly grounds

One nation many faces
Come together under God

snow circles windows
a painting of dawn relief
night comes in quarters

munimented in our hearts
And forever comes the drift

scrawled on windowsills
nails scratch crystalline etchings
from our loved ones' past

the words cryptic to the mind
fluent in love's shared language

nature holds our loved
in memories and yet more
spirit parts of all

covered by soft drifting snow
purity coats our landscape

A new day substance
Smoothed the pure scene, of life’s dream
I am clean, yes clean

And so on it goes just have a look at Barbara writes from a few months ago, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thanks Ian for this illustrative guide. Appreciate your time for sharing this.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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