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let me return

from stilted quick speech confined to city
voices colliding in too close a dance
to the friendly coo-ee of vibrant countryside
deep echo resounding through open expanse

from frozen, detached and phlegmatic concrete
with surreal hum that starves the soul
to animated murals of ever-changing landscapes
as seasons give birth to their respective goals

from dried odours - thousands of compacted bodies
swept on swift feet in one-visioned rush -
to intense scents, bouquets, ambrosia
of multispectral trees and wildflowers of the bush

from cold, sinuous rays of streaky, skulking yellow
creeping through dark and cluttered streets
to slowly spreading fire, then the ignition spark
as Apollo explodes above indigo peaks

from few, constrained, faint, twinkling speckles
struggling for notice in neon-lit sky
to a crowd of sparkling diamonds and gems set
in a giant jewelled serpent, that soars over high

from sameness and crowding and dim light so false
dawdling, drowning, in fast urban growth
take me out to the sun-browned country
let me return to the innocence of the world of my youth
.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

successful consonance assonance all through:
confind, collide, coo, countryside...
sureal, starves, soul, ...constrint, faint..
and a lot more all through..

I too loved the extended metaphor in
"in a giant jewelled serpent, that soars over high"

and of course not to forget , you've touched me with your theme , so please take me and
let's both return to the innocence of the youth
Thanks for sharing
Hope again I am giving yours its justice but I belive I didn't :)It is really rich.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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LOL-I think you must blame your self for that dear judy (after giving the last workshop)

After giving this a second read and thought , I believe that the too many adjectives here , are like"a double adged weapon" (IMO) ,for though they might enrich the text , they on the other hand they distract the reader somehow from the message conveyed but again it is probably only me.
- I think because it lengthens the lines- Again I am pretty sure you're brill enough to defend yourself but thought I would give it as a suggestion

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

lol rula – it is great to see that my shop has been of benefit to you – I’m thrilled at your crit

I used lengthened lines, using imagery, in an attempt to get a melancholic feel to the poem.

as an example, I have quickly edited it to shorter lines. What do you think?

I personally feel that the bouncier rhythm and the loss of descriptive has the write lose the wishful feel

I would really be interested in your thoughts
love judy
xxx

from stilted speech confined to city
voices colliding in too close a dance
to the friendly coo-ee of countryside
echo resounding through open expanse

from frozen and phlegmatic concrete
with hum that starves the soul
to murals of changing landscapes
as seasons give birth to their goals

from odours of compacted bodies
swept on in one-visioned rush -
to scents, bouquets, ambrosia
of trees and wildflowers of the bush

from cold, sinuous rays of yellow
creeping through dark cluttered streets
to spreading fire, then ignition spark
as Apollo explodes above peaks

from few, faint, twinkling speckles
struggling in neon-lit sky
to a crowd of sparkling gems set
in a jewelled serpent soaring on high

from crowding and dim light so false
drowning, in fast urban growth
take me to sun-browned country
to the innocence of my youth
.

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

dear Judy but your message flows easier to me as a reader.No one would spend such a long time reading a piece of poem unless it is a study-case :-)
I think the word choice might help conveying the melancholic feeling than do the lengthy lines. What do you think?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

i dream of writing a poem that might be considered worthy of study :)

no - i can't agree with your comments on line length - the shorter the line, the more bouncy the write... one needs long and drawn out thought for melancholy - imo of course

and i'm pretty sure i chose the most useful words in the edit (within the constraints of it being a quick one, and in keeping the rhythm of the write) ... do you not think so?
xxx
.

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

I meant the word choice when you first wrote the poem not when you edited the poem and don't underestimate yourself. All your pieces are worthy study:-)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

but don't you think
a poem with just 15 or 16 lines
holds the reader's breath
longer ones tend
the muse
to lose
the ruse..

loved

i think liking of length of poetry is up to the reader - some don't mind longer ones, some actually like longer ones

you are missing much if you haven't read any long poems
i recommend some lighter ones
Alfred Noyes – The Highwayman
Banjo Paterson – The Man from Snowy River
Tennyson - The Lady of Shalott
for starters

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

I have also composed a few lengthy ones

but not epicurial ones
but of course Judy ,
you are an exception ,
as you have command over living beings
as you tend to tend ....them
we are simpler folks
walking on tight ropes
what can we express
the way you do
try how so ever much
i may....
I shall never be able to..

loved

are the view and the vault
and its combined very easy
and well here

I like the long reads the long works
John Milton I think of because I
was reading stephen king and micheal straub
before that

i only read him because I couldnt read it
so I forced myself to just understand it
and in doing it now love to stay throughout
the long works because there is a landscape
in this...

I saw only the buildings when I furst moved here
as I lived in the bush
then and now I find the park like glades
the trees of our city urban forest I call it

and we have stars still
and our lighting is improving
downaiming leds
sharper and quieter

thank You Judyanne

i enjoy the long writes too, but i have little time these days
i guess that's a lot of people's problem

thanks for the comments and kind words
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

May I be permitted to disagree, slightly

I know a troll who reads others poetry then flows down like a bag has burst till she is empty and all around she has soiled and froth like mouth has she she calls it poetry but hardly anyone reads but she has a serpentine sting about her .. you all take pains to compose poetry keeping rules and regulations upper most see the humorist joker in me i have just off the cuff composed this wait i shall poetify it till then read this..

May I be permitted to disagree,
but slightly

I know a troll
who reads others poetry
then flows down like a bag has burst
till she is empty
and all around she has soiled
froth like mouth has she,
she calls it poetry

but hardly anyone reads
but she has a serpentine sting about her ..

you all take pains to compose poetry
keeping rules and regulations upper most
see the humorist joker in me
I have just off the cuff composed this,
Wait I shall poetify it
till then read this
as it is

howz it ?

loved

for in his time in a place where the unwashed and Queen would court
he wrote his infamous Barbs!!

beautiful comments
I have always enjoyed the art of fencing
like intellect it is speed and merciless
control of focus that makes the
duel an appreciative form

Like poetry it is!

would you explain to me what loved just said
did loved just call me a troll?
lol
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

what r u saying Judy /
I admire you you are wonderful

the troll is that other woman.. who simply waffles on my pages.. on another side
How I wished you had asked me
sorry for the misunderstanding
I shall instantly remove all dialogues .
regrets Judy I feel sad you thought so.

VERY SORRY

loved

oh loved, i was joking....

truly - i had a 'lol' in there - have a look and see :)

you don't have to delete anything
xxxx
.

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

yes some say like
ROFL ......
and
WHAT IN HELL
YOU TOOK ME TO HELL

read in small and not caps
lolololololol

loved

The teens show me the Meme stuff and the "troll"
refrences..all fun// I remember sitting with my father
keeping him updated when I was in high school
and we would do what he enjoyed. drinking beer
and whiskey and playing our harmonicas in tandem
in the kitchen and telling tales..His youth and mine

When we were young they read to us the Fairytales
from leatherette embossed books sold to them
by a travelling salesman in the fifties for my older
sister the only daughter they could have then

Three Billy Goats Gruff..a classic
had a troll too!!
for those not read this..I suggest look it up
a parable about bravery.. about looking
after things..and about territory expansion

I love these kinds of comments

you are extraordinary
who views all humanity
from another angle
from the opposite side like me,
but you are bolder ,
I think of such trolls
as a heavy boulder

loved

and the troll under the bridge
one of my favourites
we had an old gramophone in the 50's - and the story-record on 78...

many days i sat winding that old record player and listening to the story -
- there was a song in the story too -
maybe even a couple or three
but i can't remember the music
or even the words

thanks for remembering me that memory steve
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

I'm a Troll Roedy Oh
I'm a Troll Roedy Oh
And I'll eat you for my supper
It beat those damn Goats singing about who the were:-
We should ask our Ann of Norway as it originated there:-

The story introduces three male goats, sometimes identified in the story as youngster, father and grandfather, but more often described as brothers.
There is no grass left for them to eat near to where they live, so they must cross a river to get to a "sæter" (a meadow) or hillside on the other side of a stream in order to eat and get fat.
To do so, they must first cross a bridge, under which lives a fearsome troll who eats anyone who passes that way.
The smallest billy goat is the first to cross and is immediately stopped by the troll who threatens to "gobble him up!"
The little goat convinces him to wait for the bigger billy goat to come across because he is larger and more gratifying as a feast.
The greedy troll agrees and lets the smallest goat cross.
The middle goat sees that the youngest one has crossed and reaches the conclusion that the bridge must be safe after all, but is also stopped by the troll and given the same threat.
The second billy goat is allowed to cross as well after he tells the troll to wait for the biggest billy goat because he will have the most meat. The third billy goat then gets on the bridge, and is stopped by the hungry troll. When the troll gets up on the bridge however, the third billy goat is so big that he easily throws the troll into the stream with his horns and crosses the bridge.
From then on the bridge is safe, and all three goats are able to go to the rich fields around the summer farm in the hills.
They all live happily ever after.
The troll however was never seen again.
All my thoughts to you and tell the children La La Sparrow

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

this sounds pretty old
I punched in 78 rpm billy goat gruff
and this got this to the links

On a Bluff On a bluff there lived three Billy goats Gruff..
thats part of the song...

from comments people loved this!!
we didnt have the records just the books
but Im enjoying this from long past

Its pretty cool!!

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