Especially how the character ters such as Aladice speak two lines

Especially how the character ters such as Aladice speak two lines

I have started these detailed critiques with Inve for a specific reason. I’m going to analyze line by line even though the poem is in an early draft stage because I want to demonstrate how I do this. In that way you know what to expect when I delve into the more polished Enedentian work. You asked someone after their critique of Inve (I don’t remember who. They focused mostly on the poetry) if they could share what they thought of the piece as a whole. You wanted to know if it was dramatic, enthralling… I too would like to know what poets think of my “story” (often more than opinions of my poetry). To this end I ask you… what would you like to hear from me? If there is a perspective you would like me to address, please say so. Not only do I feel it my responsibility as the workshop’s leader, but it would satisfy me to know I approached subjects you wanted to discuss.

I will still critique the way I usually do anyway, but if there is a direction that could help I encourage you to tell me about it.

Line 3- You used “erst” in a sentence! Awesome! Truly made my day.

7- A comma at the end of this line would help.

11- You could also use “Dam” here.

13- This is trochee as are many lines. Often this change up does not trip the reader, but be careful of it when using enjambment. If you end a line in iamb, but not an end stop, the tendency is to plow straight on through and read the next as iamb. This of course makes a mess of the meter. Remember that meter does not end at the end of a line to begin again at the next. An end stop gives you an opportunity to change your meter… enjambment less so.

15- Tense problem… use “began”.

16 &17- True meter problem. “After” & “under” are both trochee, but the lines are both iambic.

23- I think “there” should not be capitalized. Perhaps a comma at the end of 22.

31- “Healing” is not parenthetical. You need only the one comma after “healing”.

32- This concerns “Aladice”. The language throughout is often confusing and sounds like Aladice is a man only to later give the impression it is a land. Maybe you could look at how you use the name. I find myself confused and I know the tale.

36- Try “and” instead of “their”. Also, the rhyme here is too blatantly off.

43- This is another trochee example that botches the meter in the rest of the line. The reader must change to iamb mid verse or read “vel- vet” as iamb. Again, this stands out as a problem due to the enjambment from the last verse.

48- You can hold the rhyme here by making “bosom” plural.

49- I read “jewels” as a single syllable. Breaking it into two saves the meter, but remember we want the reader to roll through this briskly and naturally. Most people will read “jewel” as a diphthong which mucks the meter as it stands.

57- Watch your tenses. I read this as “would sit and…”

68- Grammar time. A comma is a rejoinder combining two sections of a sentence. So is “and”. You see it all the time, but your English teacher would not let you get away with using them together. It is redundant. And to go one step further… “and” separates two halves of a sentence and technically should not be used twice in a sentence or begin one… both of which I just did and most people would never notice. Break the rules, but know that you are. Also, 68 should likely start with “for”.

A general note about tenses. They give me grief, so I feel I’m somewhat qualified to discuss them as I’ve had to plod through all 22,000 of my lines fixing them. You are telling a story set in the past, but that doesn’t mean all tenses should be set there also. It really does work out to be a case by case situation and thereby troubling. I would simply suggest that you pay a little closer attention. I think you know by now what a stickler I am for grammar and such (so much so I often sacrifice emotion for PC [poetical correctness] and I don’t want you to fall into that hole). I strive to write each line such that if it were ruthlessly picked apart with every grammatical tool in existence it would survive. That is likely further than you need to go, but head in that direction.

70- I think you can drop the “s” in “mood”. Mood is one of those words that sometimes pluralize themselves.

73- The meter here is a mess. How about “To madness his resolve drove him”?

75- “Consumed” need not be parenthetical. One comma after the word which only needs one “m” will suffice.

89 & 90- I don’t care for the cheating rhyme, but like you I have run out ways to use “ice”.

95 & 96- Same here, but without the “ice” problem.

Most of the broader notes I’ve already touched on, but I’m confused in the conversation with the guards. The information our hero relates is broached for the first time here and I’m caught off guard wondering “where did he get the helm?”, “when was he told to do this thing?” and why did the guards demand the stone as an after thought? A lot of this will be worked out with a later draft, but these are the things that caught my eye.

Because we write a story with our verse, we must be diligent in reminding our reader what the heck is going on. Add to this a desire to be descriptive (decorative, poetic, blah, blah) and suddenly our 200 line canto is bloated to twice its size. The goal should always be to solve multiple logistical problems at the same time- be descriptive WHILE we progress the tale, progress the tale WHILE we are reiterating something. I always write with the presumption that my reader is brain dead and cannot remember that they read poetry while they read it, but always with the goal of never letting my reader suspect I feel that way about his poor, pathetic lack of intellect. The story and verse must look and feel as if the reader is being challenged to keep up with me while never having any trouble doing so. I hope that makes sense.

And to answer your question… I am still enthralled.