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Leaving Daylight

Leaving Daylight

The train is leaving daylight
traversing into the shadows
wheels are spewing fire
they light up the night
and I it's only rider
as this train leaves daylight

streamline is it's body
forged of blackened steel
from the kiln
of the devils realm
this train that leaves daylight

Many a soul has rode this train
with it's banshee sounding squeal
I but one,for deeds I've done
will ride again and again

Into the bowels of Hell I ride
with no one at my side
for thoughts that spoke louder
than any word
but my thoughts were read
and Satan heard
now I pay for every word
on this train leaving daylight

heat is oppressive, yet there is no sun
my sentence here has just begun
thoughts without action , nor with deed
the dark ones hunger my soul will feed
no more this train to ride
for it has left daylight far behind

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

"has rode this train" Has riden?

Loved this but the ending, for me, petered out/lost its steam!
The last line could change as it ends on a more banal note I feel.
Otherwise deliciously devilish.

Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Many thanks for taking the time to stop in and read my work . It is appreciated I will look at whatever you have noted

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment

A very good poem that reminded me of that film of the train that never reaches the last station. Mind you it's a long time ago that film as it was in B&W probably 1940's or there about's.
Your write has that type of journey perfectly put out, I asked Sadie what happens to the really bad people when they return to the Spirit world.
She said they were heavy and sank down and would spend much time with like souls, can you imagine how that would be, just a type of Hell..

Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thank you
what was the name of the film as I wath many of the old B&w movies

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment

Sorry can't recall the name of the film but I think if you watch the old movie's the one that I really adore is the one "She carved her name with Pride" it is of a woman that went to France during the war, as an agent.
They had a special poem to remember and this was hers

The Life That I Have

The life that I have
Is all that I have
And the life that I have
Is yours

The love that I have
Of the life that I have
Is yours and yours and yours.

A sleep I shall have
A rest I shall have
Yet death will be but a pause

For the peace of my years
In the long green grass
Will be yours and yours and yours.

Leo Marks

If you want a good cry try this one , Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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