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I saw you lying 'neath my leafless trees,
the ardent sun has washed with golden hues,
while others joined a dance with autumn's breeze;
so glamorous, it over-sparked my muse.
 
Some whistled tunes across the ocean's shores,
some whispered lines, they're never heard before,
the smaller leaves have gone on endless tours
or headed into some mysterious lore.
 
Some scattered 'round the place, like broken souls
that failed to joy whate'er they had to get,
those marks and wrinkles seasons had to call,
disappointed arrogance they had and yet
you still are lying there as if you cling
to what the coldest winter has to bring.

 

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

but... (there must be a "but" or I fail you) don't contract "disappointed". Your meter is not so solid as to worry about it.
That's the other "but"... I'm not sure I'm crazy about the meter. There are few problems with "rhythm" though, so I wouldn't concern myself overmuch.

As to rhyme: "Souls" and "Call" doesn't cut it.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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where does my meter go wrong.
I agree about 'souls' and 'call'
Shall consider if I decided any editing.
Thanks for the time sir.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

nice creation of fall scripted in verse by you Rula...perhaps you may want to take a fresh look at the closing stanza to make it easier on tongue....

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

for the visit and the time.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
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author comment

Good write
I think you should perhaps hyphenate 'over-sparked'
and I agree with Wes re the contraction of 'disappointed', but I don't find any fault with the meter....

I do have a problem with the grammar, especially in the verses
'some whispered lines that never heard before,'
'the smaller leaves have gone in endless tours'.... - change 'in' to 'on'
'that fail to joy whate'er they had to get'

Love the final couplet...
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

as always for the thoughtful feedback.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
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author comment

(I'm not being very nice to this poem am I?).
There are some grammar problems there.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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it's only a poem. Thank you for the second visit.
Always appreciate it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
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author comment

I have read this one a number of times, but have not had time to comment. I agree with above and like the changes. Just one last thing, be careful with the masculine/feminine rhyme in lines S2 L2/L4.

Thanks,

Scott

I see that mysterious is four syllables, but I usually read it as three. Don't know if I can go with it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
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author comment

It can be pronounced with three or four syllables. I use four. The point is that either way I think the word works. Three matches the meter. Leave it for the reader to figure it out. The reader is wiser than we sometimes gives him/her credit for.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

For letting me know.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

author comment
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