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That laughing lines

Submitted by Seeker on Wed, 2014-04-09 11:26

They sculpturing your face that
grows with the years and all
on its time knowing there
have no control ,

Creams are smeared,but still
get wrinkles moored , just my
frame of mind to live through
the positive experience and
to settle .

As they said inevitable sign of
aging that establishes however,
after all of real beauty never lost ,
Is not this special? of crow's feet .

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

raj

Wed, 2014-04-09 15:10

You have attempted a good poem to touch upon the subject of aging and in doing so emphasized that real beauty is never lost and even the crow's feet around the eyes when one smiles looks cute. I am sure you would be tweaking this up. I will visit again and see if I can make a few suggestions. Keep writing...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Seeker

Tue, 2014-04-15 10:14

Seeker's picture

again thank you for your comment i will edited this poem when i have more grip about how i can use and finding words that rhyme .I am glad through that you enjoyed my writing and subject .

My best regards

Pattra

author comment

loved

Thu, 2014-04-10 03:23

loved's picture

I know nothing about poetry
but have composed since decades ....
I am still learning

but wonder why on some sites
1000
views I get daily

are they all encouraging me ??
I wonder stlll

loved

Seeker

Tue, 2014-04-15 10:09

Seeker's picture

Thank you for the time to read this and your comment.
i think everyone view different about poetry and i guess you are good writers .

My kind regards

Pattra

author comment

Ian.T

Thu, 2014-04-10 04:25

Ian.T's picture
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The arrangement of words is something you have to work on, Your themes will become better and where you use new ones we have not thought of.
I have played as I sometimes do just to give you a small rearrangement to show how the theme is expanded a little.

They sculpture your face
growing with the years
all the time knowing
we have no control ,

Creams are smeared,but still
wrinkles get moored ,
just my frame of mind
living through the experience

Settling to the inevitable signs.
There a beauty to behold
Never lost wisdoms walk in time
Time etching crows feet spread.
.
You have plenty of time, so read others works and see how they flow then join the odd workshop you are quite capable of giving us competition, Take care and know we care, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Seeker

Tue, 2014-04-15 10:05

Seeker's picture

thank you so much for your very kind feedback and I understand exactly what you mean
i have a lots to learn i see and how it work .This reads so good, in its rhythm,

My kind regards

Pattra

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