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LASTING (Sunku)
Just words
lost to time
like leaves on the wind
Just words
turned to dust
on aging paper
Yet words
often live
for eternity
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
raj
Tue, 2018-02-20 07:11
The theme of your Sunku is
The theme of your Sunku is very nice and appealing. However you are surely aware that it is advisable to avoid repetition of words in one poem to the best possible extent.
Would Indelible be a better title than Lasting since this poem is about words?
To avoid reputability of "Words" and "Just" here is my try:-
INDELIBLE
Words get
lost like leaves
to wind in Fall
Some flesh
out like holes
in skeleton
The remains
are engraved
for eternal peace
just a suggestion
regards...
raj (sublime_ocean)
IRiz
Tue, 2018-02-20 09:42
I love your poem Perfect example of Zen aesthetics
Repetition here looks perfectly in place. It is a powerful poetic tool.
The topic reminds me Shakespeare Sonnet 60 about how poetry outlives time.
I like the effortless simplicity of your poem.
I like how it leads reader to answer the question to what are those immortal words.
They are probably words of love.
But you do not state it you open it to much broader meaning including everything non judgeing. As if you are saying --Just words are just but words of acceptance and love are immortal.
Explaining ideas often trivializing it, accept my apologies.
Imperfection of your structure also works good, the first image blows away with words and wind in your runaway six syllabi.
Thank you again for joining in
IRiz
raj
Tue, 2018-02-20 13:20
Oops! i better not make
Oops! i better not make stupid comments or suggestions and rather keep quiet.I was under an impression that repetition of words are not the way to go for good poem and even 5 syllabi in not just 1 but 3 lines are allowed in a Sunku
Will lie low and just read and learn rather than making stupid nonsensical comments...
Stupidly ...
raj (sublime_ocean)
IRiz
Tue, 2018-02-20 14:51
Raj, I apologise if I made
Raj, I apologise if I made you feel bad.
Critiques could be disagree with each other.
The author decides what tool feels good to use.
In this case it serves to emphasize the thought.
It is not random repetition that sneaked into the text for the lack of words. This repetition is not random.
IRiz
raj
Tue, 2018-02-20 15:06
No apologies please. I
No apologies please. I realized that the comments / suggestions made by me were out of ignorance so I have blamed myself for being premature in making them when I am lacking essential knowledge....i hold no grudge at all against anyone...but welcome the harshest critique...
sorry for making you feel sorry....you have in fact been good to me by sharing a frank opinion....please keep at it...
raj (sublime_ocean)
scribbler
Tue, 2018-02-20 16:06
not stupid
Intentional repetition can be used to emphasize a point
author commentraj
Tue, 2018-02-20 16:09
yes...i am wiser now....
yes...i am wiser now....
please ignore my comment...in retrospect i realize my folly...
Regards...
raj (sublime_ocean)
Sparrow
Tue, 2018-02-20 18:36
Stan
Loved the theme and the emphasis on trend, just the extra word in:- "like leaves on the wind"
"Like wind blown leaves"
would bring a balance to the work, hope this crit is OK with you..
Take care yours as always, Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
scribbler
Tue, 2018-02-20 23:59
Hi Ian
I thought about keeping strict word count then remembered being told strict adherence was secondary to message and secondary meaning. But you know I'm editing all the time and will keep your idea in mind......stan
author comment