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The last words of wisdom.

Senses, brothers in a battle.
Running down the alley, broken teeth, and forgotten names,
That what’s stands them apart.

Tears, cousins in a disaster.
Running down to the only safe place,
on earth. They do not stand a chance.

Let me show You, how to die,
Or how to fight,

We will

It is therefore to better be a warrior,
than a spleen coward.

I won’t speak to You

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

your title is good, as is your language usage. I wish you weren't so sparse with the information in the body of your poem. the theme is interesting.

this line is a bit confusing: It is therefore (to) better be a warrior, I think if you dropped the first (to) it would read better. in these lines:
Senses, brothers in a battle.
Running down the alley, broken teeth, and forgotten names,
That what’s stands them apart.

break up this line into:
Running down the alley,
broken teeth, and forgotten names,

for a smoother read. very good poem, it has potential!

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

a few suggestions : Line 3 That's what stands them apart
line 5 change running to fleeing to avoid too close repetition
line 10 change to It is therefore better to be a warrior

now line 2....hmmmm.... I'd break this into 2 lines at the comma.
A good emotive poem

Thank You for comments, friends.
I will take them into consideration.

Jakub

author comment

you haven't changed a thing...

always, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

The idea of change, keeps itself useful, only when the wrongs, reminds wrongs.

Therefore I am taking them into the account, for a future poem. :)

author comment
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