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Last Minute Heaven

Submitted by Seren on Sun, 2013-04-07 06:19

To touch space
and shiver against
those fabric-brushed
black fields of
dismembered poppies.
To see eyes sparkle
an epitaph of love,
in shallow-paddled
darkness,
hoping serenity
stays afloat,
just one
more
minute.

Breathless
they touch…
barely,
intensity
blowing sense
into void,
as ends one
minute’s calling

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Contest: 
YOUR BEST

Comments

Ian.T

Sun, 2013-04-07 06:25

Ian.T's picture
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This one seems incomplete, as if you are retreating from the things you see there at your stretchy side view.
I wonder who stands there that you can nearly see, think and it will be clear, the Goddess will be there for you. Then look further just past that light, and there is a world that is a joy to see, Yours Ian.T
PS:- Loved the write x

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Seren

Sun, 2013-04-07 06:29

Seren's picture

There i another poem that goes with this one I will post it tomorrow night you may remember it ? Last minute Heaven ... here it is

To touch space
and shiver against
those fabric-brushed
black fields of
dismembered poppies.
To see eyes sparkle
an epitaph of love,
in shallow-paddled
darkness,
hoping serenity
stays afloat,
just one
more
minute.

Breathless
they touch…
barely,
intensity
blowing sense
into void,
as ends one
minute’s calling

see what you think

love always Jayne-Chloe

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

Ian.T

Sun, 2013-04-07 06:36

Ian.T's picture
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Yes I remember this I think and each one holds a beauty of it's own, but combined with your care, they would shine a beauty of thought out to all that reads, Yours Ian.Tx

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Seren

Sun, 2013-04-07 06:43

Seren's picture

its from a very long time ago but I thought it was time to drag them out of the closet and reshape them all over again I have done nothing but edit poetry and write a few new pieces in between the last few days

thanks for the read and the comment its always very much appreciated

love always Jayne-Chloe

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

loved

Mon, 2013-04-08 13:33

loved's picture

To touch space
and shiver against
those fabric-brushed
black fields

loved

Seren

Wed, 2013-04-10 06:13

Seren's picture

I love those words as well I'm very happy you liked this one :)

love JC x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

Geezer

Sun, 2013-04-07 07:49

Geezer's picture
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not good, but having read it again, I do remember the sense of it. In light of a recent conversation, I wonder; Is your t.v. to your left? Sometimes the most mundane of things can be exotic and cryptic, when approached with a bit of imagination. I am content with the image the second part left me. Love and higgest bugs, ~ Gee

Writing purely for oneself, is the ultimate in defensive posture.

Seren

Wed, 2013-04-10 06:19

Seren's picture

My TV is at the end of the bed, and yes the imagination is a powerful thing

thanks for the read and the comment, btw have you posted the dragon poem ? what is it called ?

love and higgliest bugs JC xx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

Geezer

Wed, 2013-04-10 21:38

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that I didn't post it! LOL I will go do that now. It is called Yang and Yin.
Just was wondering what could be off to your left, in your peripheral vision. Love and higgest bugs, ~ Gee

Writing purely for oneself, is the ultimate in defensive posture.

Seren

Thu, 2013-04-11 05:47

Seren's picture

hmmmm off to my left ? a sideboard full of books lol dont know what that means though ? I will find your poem and read it tonight :)

love and higgliest bugs JC xx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

loved

Mon, 2013-04-08 13:30

loved's picture

why I am so ignorant
of how to evaluate poetry
as lovely as this..

loved

weirdelf

Tue, 2013-04-09 08:01

weirdelf's picture
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Discipline.
Not talking about bondage and leather, talking about knuckling down and learning. You don't even try.
Join a workshop. Learn some craft in your art.
Then you will write good poetry maybe one in ten instead of one in one thousand. Your machine gun effect is not working for you or your readers.
Stop whining and pleading for readers. Learn your craft and get better.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Seren

Wed, 2013-04-10 06:23

Seren's picture

I am still learning how to give good critique I expect it will take me most of my life, not knowing how old you are I cant fully answer your question smile

love JC x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

weirdelf

Tue, 2013-04-09 08:03

weirdelf's picture
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my dear Jayne Chloe

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Seren

Wed, 2013-04-10 06:22

Seren's picture

Thanks Jess

I'm very happy you liked it

cheers JC x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment
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