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Last Kiss

Submitted by Johnnie on Fri, 2023-03-31 06:58

When with a kiss on that day we did part
Love still filled our hearts.
A pointless war ripped us apart.
Filled with dreams and wishes that last kiss.
To last forever we both did wish.

Yet fate would deal its hand
upon the shores of a foreign land.
There I fell
In that living hell.

Our wishes and dreams lost
Forever.
But,
That last kiss
For you
A life time,
Will last.
©

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
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Last few words: 
This is one of mine that has been published in an anthology Any comments most welcome
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
New Member Contest March 2023
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2023-03-31 06:58

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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

/5

The poem "Last Kiss" tells a story of love and loss, but it falls short in its execution. The language is simplistic and lacks depth, leaving the reader with a sense of emptiness. The poem could benefit from more vivid imagery and emotional depth to truly convey the impact of the war and the loss of the relationship.

One suggested line edit: "A pointless war ripped us apart" could be revised to "A war, senseless and cruel, tore us apart" to add more emotional weight and detail to the poem.

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Lavender

Fri, 2023-03-31 18:06

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Hello, Johnnie,
This is my first visit to your poetry! I like this very much, and I feel the depth and sadness. I wonder, though, if you might try writing it in free verse. The rhyme is good, logical and tight. But it is also somewhat predictable and expected, taking away a bit of the intensity of such raw feelings. The last portion of the poem is without rhyme, yet very strong.
Thank you!
Lavender

Johnnie

Sat, 2023-04-08 09:03

Johnnie's picture

Thanks for your comment.

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