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Land of Make-believe

Submitted by sueb on Fri, 2012-11-30 05:08

In the land of make-believe, I've been told
A beautiful princess doth dwell, oh tell
Its not for me to inform, not so bold
by all accounts shes a damsel, so swell
Oh, her skin so fair, could be transparent
the countenance of a mischievous child
narrator of this tale, love apparent
Obvious, enchanting girl him beguiled
Ah, his listeners curiosity piqued
to find her, compulsion, an aching need
this princess was in every nook seeked
some put a bounty on her head,the greed
In many a gents mind a seed has been planted
One she may favour, their wishes granted

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing

Comments

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-12-12 21:04

weirdelf's picture
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unless they really contribute to the tone and meaning of the poem, Otherwise it tends to sound pretentious.

Avoid the word 'beautiful at any cost! There is always a more apt abn descriptive way to say it.

'so swell'? Combined with 'doth' it becomes a travesty.

I believe you can write, but you really need to read more. This has the practical application of learning to avoid clices,

cheers,
Jess
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