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Once again I was denied
the joy of feeling alive

Ruined by false hopes of yesterday,
colours of my dreams washed away

I mourned the lost of freedom,
beginning with our flawed union

Peace slipped through the cracks of my soul
I've lost everything I hold

Addicted to the game of chance
you lose our fortune to the cards!

Then you raised a mountain of debts,
ignoring me as I wept

When you lost your mind to the bottle
I dreaded the night filled with hurt

I have paid the accursed penalty for my folly
with every scars that draped my body

Today you left me to carry your mortal burdens
Even in death, you continue to torment

I cursed your name as they consign you to earth,
refusing to shed a tear for a man without worth

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 


This is dark. I feel this so much more than the vampire story.

The title, I think that "Lament" is sufficient

Language was great

rhythm and meter could use some work, but the flow is not bad

theme is common, but done well enough to detract from the obvious

beginning was slow, end was solid and the logic was definitely consistent.

nice work.



Oh, woe is me! Blame every person.

I feel your pain but be a accountable! I don't doubt you had a part in this. Whining is very unattractive.

A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'

is putting the experiences of other people in poetry to practice imagery. Still I agree whining is very uattractive.


author comment

You are still having a few tense problem which I'll leave you to find.But they are not as prevalent as they used to be. I think the next thing you might want to work on is being a bit more concise. Now I know there are styles of poetry which call for "flowery" wording but in general a "less is more" attitude serves better, For a couple of examples in your poem:
Stanza 3 line 2 You could replace"with the" with a comma and convey the same message
Stanza 5, line 1 You could delete "in life" and still convey the meaning
Now this stuff is just my personal opinion. So in my opinion any time a person can use a simple (concise) word in place of a more complex word the poem becomes easier to both understand and to recall. And whether we admit it or not, we All would like to have a few of our poems remembered over time. Frank Loyd Wright was an innovative architect and he had a saying in designing structures which can also often be applied to poetry : "Less is more".
Now on to generalities in your poem. I think you made good use of near rhymes and not a lot of people can carry that through an entire poem. A bit more detail about exactly what type of harm the departed inflicted would help the reader relate a bit better I think.
I keep seeing improvement in your writing which I think is great especially considering you are writing in a second language. But keep focusing on either maintaining tenses or providing a reason for a tense change........Hope this has been of some use...........stan

(sigh) The tenses have always been one of my biggest problem. I did some edit and and try to follow your advice. Tell me what you think.


author comment

Changing tense in a poem is not always bad but when it's done it need to be for a reason and should be done smoothly. Doing so in the middle of a stanza is hard to do unless a previous line or stanza has set up the change. Writing in both the present and past at the same time really disrupts the reader and confuses them as to whether they are reading of now or then. But as I said, you are improving in this area so don't lose all hope lol. I'll get around to checking your edit later this evening. .............stan

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