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Kissing Arianam

She said she hated kissing,she tossed her dyed red head
I said " then what else can you do when you first get in bed?"
"I got this evil sore throat from that first kiss you see"
it wasn't really worth it, such a beast was he"

"But did you not enjoy it Arianam" I cried
Amazed at her strange response, at her eyes open wide
"what was the taste like at the time ?what did he make you feel
Lesbians don't often have the pleasure of that meal

I'm trying to have a baby, need a Miracle you see,
need the sperm not the germs,hoped he'd inseminate me
"Can't put up with the kissing?dear Arianam " I said
Try artificial insemination a better route instead.

be careful though with what you get by donor unknown?
As 9 months down the road from now you really cannot moan
When babe appears with chubby lips small eyes and flattened nose
And becomes more grotesque with time as your dear baby grows

just stick with kissing dearest, tis a small price to pay
For great genes, a hunky man,and a fantastic
I just remembered something has he not had the snip?
He has no sperm to donate dear he just enjoyed the trip.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
do men think its kinky to sleep with dykes ( I hate that word)?
Editing stage: 

Comments

the most of intelligent and impulsive Indeed have rationals
from the back of cereal boxes so all your poetry here is plausible

Kissing ignites passion
Or for some throwing a leg over top whilst sitting turns on the burners

"sleeping with dykes"

I have not really found it un Kinky if you are asking!!

Thank You!

And sleeps with men for insemination. Dad was Afro Caribbean and handsome but a not so nice looking child produced from the gene mix with Romania hence the poem.
Thanks for educating me on other aspects of human sexuality. Beau thinks the message was not clear? Did you get it?
french

author comment

Esker had conflicting views on same sex females. I'll ask the dad. My friend did indeed sleep with someone who'd had a vasectomy. Not sure whether she knew or did not! She also refers to herself as a dyke in conversation though is very feminine looking.

author comment

A gay man once said to me
"What is the difference between a gay man and a straight man?
"Ten bottles of beer"
Is this correct? YOu seem to say -NO?
Anyone else has views on this ? Jess? Esker?Ian? La femme?

author comment

only ten eh?
so that leaves two for the writer??

:)

I was a little confused wasn't sure if this ending
Was meant to be funny or a shock finding

Most lesbians here would be offended by the use
of dyke but that may not be a worldwide thing

I will watch the edits the ground works done

Regards Jc xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Last 2 lines comment by me -so shock funny
Other lines also some by me and some by her ill try and work on trying to get across who said what? Xxx ta

author comment

I think if you split this up into stanza's it would give it more punch and meaning

I really liked the concept I will keep an eye on this one to see what you do with it

kindest regards Jayne-Chloe x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

but I'm not sure if it the dyke (most of my gay women friends have embraced the word dyke) being a bit naughty for seducing the guy without letting him know it was copulation with intent to procreate, or the guy being an utter bastard, knowing her intent and going along with it anyway despite having had the snip.

Your use of rhyming couplets is a tad clumsy in places. Wherever you throw in gratuitous words or invert natural speech to make rhymes it will jar.
"I got this evil sore throat from that first kiss you see"
Was it not really worth it? " No,such a beast was he"
Is an example of both.

Also the rhymes raises expectations of meter and the lines here are very irregular. Have you looked into meter at all? You could check out my blog http://www.neopoet.com/weirdelf/blog/mon-2011-08-15-2353 and I believe Beau has written one but I can't find it just now. Also we'll be running a workshop on meter sometime soon.

I like the piece, your choice whether to retain the ambiguity, but I do think it could use some work.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

Thanks yes I'll look at link

author comment

i really like the story. The dyke being hoisted by her own petard lol. As to use of "dyke". In my mind it would be used in describing a manly looking or acting lesbian. Not as an insult but rather a clarification.

Now back to the poem. i also think the use of rhyming couplets almost demands the use of stanza breaks. This will help in both the reading and writing by dividing different thoughts into groups ( almost like paragraphs). It might even make the use of "Yodaspeak" stand out enough to give pause for rewording. To use Jess;' example you could easily say "was it not really worth it with such a beast as he".............stan

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