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Kisses Through The Window... [October Contest]
Kisses through the window
Her frail lips are pursed up tight
My eyes squeeze out the tears
So I can see the sight
Of a mother that has nursed me
Through many troubled days
And now, I can't even help her
Though she doesn't need; she says
The speaker-phone is tinny
Not her sweet tones I hear
But I can still recall her voice
Singing soft and clear
She sang "Sunnysides of the Street"
A simple Forty's tune
Sang of "Old Black Magic" and a spell
And "October Moon"
I miss those days, when she was spry
We danced and we played ball
And in the days, when it rained
We ran races in the hall
She made a life for us kids
With so little and it's true
I wouldn't be the man, I am today
If it weren't for you
You taught us all how to love
Hugs and kisses all around
Forgiveness, and humility
Kept our feet upon the ground
And now, in your winter-life
I can't hold your hand or kiss
Your cheek, your brow or hug you
These are the things I miss
One day this window will be empty
Or I won't be back to see
The comfort of my Mother
Waiting there for me
So on this day of sunshine
I'll gather up the bliss
Bask here in the limelight
And catch another window kiss
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Region & Country
New York State - USA
Favorite Poets
Poe, Emily Dickenson, Robert Frost, Shakespeare, and many of the poets here at Neopoet.
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Comments
c lynn brooks
Sat, 2020-10-24 15:57
Geezer
Oh I know well the pain and I am sorry but take heart in the fact that you still can see your mom such as it is. Your words are so true and echo through my memories
Chrys
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Geezer
Sat, 2020-10-24 17:21
Thank you...
it means a lot to be able to see her. ~ Gee.
.
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author commentLavender
Sat, 2020-10-24 16:49
Kisses...
Hi, Geezer,
Precious. Sounds like you have both been a blessing to each other.
L
Geezer
Sat, 2020-10-24 20:30
My mother...
as do so many others mothers; means the world to me. She is taking this virus-thing very hard. There is not enough staff to let them go out in the courtyard, where she would spend many hours during the warm weather. She says that she hasn't been outside except for once this summer. It hurts to see her skin so pale. She has always been an outdoor person. Thank you for your very kind comments. ~ Geez.
.
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Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
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author commentLavender
Sat, 2020-10-24 18:15
Hi, Geezer
I'm so sorry.
L
Geezer
Sun, 2020-10-25 16:48
Thank you...
I miss being able to give her hugs and kisses.
~ Geez.
.
Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
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author commentThalassa Brytaye
Sun, 2020-10-25 15:15
Dear Geezer
I love how this poem is both hopeful and sad, with reminiscence of happiness that lifts the sorrow to feeling just a little sweeter .
The title suits perfectly, less because of the whole message of the poem, and more because of how you begin with the image of kissing through the window, and then end with what happens after. This inclusion really spells out the title. I am curious if you chose the title then wrote the poem or wrote the poem then chose the title?
The actual rhythm of this whole poem doesn't sound very 'nice' because the work as a whole is not rhythmic. In a way, this adds attention to the thoughts of the poem itself, making the reader less concerned with aesthetic beauty, and more with message. If the rhythm were very good throughout except for a few small places, then it would be something to fix. But the uneven meter that prevails in this entire poem is actually not needing 'fixing' (at least I think so :) )
Again, I love the way you began and ended your poem with similar images. In Hebrew poetry this is called an Inclusion and is one of my own favorite pattern-methods in poetry.
~
"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde
Geezer
Sun, 2020-10-25 16:45
The title...
came first. I was on my way home from our visit, when I thought about how she blew me a kiss through the window as I was about to leave. I had to blink away the tears, so that I could continue to drive. I know that the ryhthm is irregular, but I was not overly concerned with it, as it flows rather well when spoken aloud. Thank you for the kind review. ~ Geez.
.
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Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
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author commentlovedly
Sun, 2020-10-25 17:18
when tears come
don't succumb for all life has one day to numb just hug the nearest one may be a tree my grandson hugged me i enjoyed gleefully you may also just cell me dearest GGGGGGGGEEEEEE
lovedly
Sun, 2020-10-25 17:23
WE ALL MISS A KISS OF MOTHERS ONLY
You taught us all how to love
Hugs and kisses all around
Forgiveness, and humility
Kept our feet upon the ground
Geezer
Mon, 2020-10-26 10:45
Glad this...
resonated with you lovedly. ~ Geez.
.
Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
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author commentlovedly
Mon, 2020-10-26 16:59
great GEE
Do read my poem
MOMS SMILES
NOW U WILL like it
and
what news of
IAN Do u know