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A king divested by the fall (November Contest)

A king, divested of his golden garments
splayed wide upon the autumn earth,
exudes a benevolent lover’s charm—
his silent presence can disarm.

Overt, he has become a host
for jet black crows upon his arms—
no more sweet escorts for this king,
but sudden shudders in the winds

Of ages, he has become a master
not of war and not of wine,
not of striving, straining, seeming
but of poise and ease of being.

Look now — he dares us to regard
his strength, his majesty in softness,
his fulfilled skill in being one
with all that breathes beneath the sun.

We see anew this lover’s spell and hear his ethereal tale,
his nakedness outspoken, his disarming presence opens
the gates of our perception: our eyes are open wide—
newborn inquiring intellects, awake beneath the skies.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

a professional poem. After 50 years of reading poems, writing, translating, I know a good poem, and this is one of them. I thought you said recently you were just learning this craft of poetry. If so you are a fast learner. Your presence is in the poem..just by saying "look now" .

I have a little concern about this line in the reading, it stops the flow of the language, which flows so well throughout:
We see anew this lover’s spell and hear his blessed mysterious tale,
I guess it's "blessed mysterious"...to hard to say, getting the d to the m sound.

This must have been very satisfying to write. Enjoy it!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

care to enlighten me
Also

.....my nude trees are now not bare
who will at them
now stare

autumn has come and gone
today it snowed
and
my trees are
with silvery white gowns clothed
they are no more nude
but who cares
about Lovedly
who now only love shares
yet guys and gals
move about me in pairs

Thank you, everything you say is much appreciated. You are right about those two words, and I'm thinking "ethereal" as a couple of others suggested might just fit the stanza in a beautiful way.

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

Excellent use of a classic western form. I'm terrible at them!

I agree with Eumolpus' observation, but I'm not really certain what I would suggest as an alternative if you decided to revise. A quick search of various synonyms for both blessed and mysterious didn't turn up anything that I thought sounded good together. Maybe if one word could replace the two, something like ethereal might capture a bit of both terms?

Hope this helps!

Good luck with the contest,
Kelsey

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www.lettereddandy.xyz

that changing blessed mysterious would cause the poem to lose a really strong s- consonance, but at least "ethereal tale" would still have an l- consonance. Just a thought!

Kels

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Community guidelines: https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

To see our learning resources, click the "Curated Resources" link under the Resources tab in the top menu bar.

www.lettereddandy.xyz

"ethereal tale" would indeed work! I think I will go with that— although it takes one syllabe away, it will not disturb the flow. Maybe this is all just because in my mind, "blessed" sounds more like "bles't", and it's not a full stop. But I do love your proposition and will go with it.

Thank you for taking the time, and I am glad you enjoyed the read!

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

all the best to you
you may consider ethereal
either one or
another too would do

ethereal
marked by unusual delicacy or refinement

....this smallest, most ethereal, and daintiest of birds —William Beebe''''

will do. It does capture what I want to say, if only a side of it...

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

younger ones deserve it
oldies must stay out now
pre -congrats to you

A lovely write that gave the tree the position of a king, they are so worth all the praise sent to them as they give so much to all..
Good luck in the Comp this is a great contender.
If I remember right you said that you had never received a letter, just PM me where to send it and I will see what I can find..
Take care out there, Yours as always Ian.. xx

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

the tree as king sounds so... fitting. We can learn a lot from trees - their stillness and tendency to get raw and naked in front of everyone when the season comes.

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

but wondered about the use of off-rhyme, as in
no more sweet escorts for this king,
but sudden shudders in the winds

Maybe something like
no more sweet escorts for this king,
but wind borne shudders in the wings

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

I had second thoughts about the off-rhyme too, but have decided to keep it— i love the way the line melts into the last line of the stanza. The suggestion you give nevertheless sounds great, I do appreciate it!

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

it's your poem, so who am I to argue?

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Men think bare trees are women and women consider them men I guess lol. I like this a lot and wish you luck in the contest......stan

Haha, that is a very amusing observation— and thank you! There are some subconscious shadows lurking in our poetry...

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

I composed a sexy one
but all said too much competitions in November
change your stance
and I did
from a man I became a woman
haaaa lol
you will again win

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