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Kids

Kids

Up from the bed
I slowly rise
Listen gingerly
No sound,no cries
Hands are shaking
My heart beets fast
My mind still racing
Beat him at last
Slowly backwards
Don't make ound
Get to the door
Don't turn around
To the stairs
I slowly go
No heavy steps
Just on tip toe
The bottom I reach
Still not a sound
Into the kitchen
I,m on safe ground
Reach for the kettle
And make a drink
Then into the chair
I slowly sink
At last I,ve done it
I,ve earned some rest
No more blackmail
Or kick in the chest
Just some peace and quiet
And a drink or two
Looking after a baby
Can be the death of you

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

those days. Although the children are all gone and grown up, one never forgets the days and nights of the early years. I think that with a few little changes to this, it might be much smoother. If you don't mind, I'd like to give an example or two of what I mean. :

Gingerly listen - [ I think that reversing the two words here gives it a little smoother sound].
No sound, no cries
Hands are shaking
My heart [beats] fast
My mind is racing
Beat him at last

I'm sure that you will see that you have inadvertantly used the comma instead of apostrophe for your contractions. A very good effort ! I like the theme, The pattern and pacing is good. Beginning, middle and end all fit together neatly. Polish this baby up! ~ Geezer

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Thanks Geezer,I quite agree with your comments,Just that at my age,I write as I think,lol,plus dont realy,look at the content that much,but real grateful for your feed back

author comment

Although the fun is in the reading perhaps more than the job it depicts. :)

A poem written for the sound of the words I think, but the idea is good.
A slight tidy up, it doesn't hurt to use I've instead of I,ve and one line has ound.

I agree with Sir Gee too, we are there with you.

Yours Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Thank you Ann,only ever written poems for fam,never really let other people see it,was never any good at school,,(many yrs Ago,)I may add ,lol So any help or criticism is appreciated,plus in my day,the poem and the rhyming were part and parcel,so as like us all,its a learning curve, Which continues on through our lives,once again thanks Ann for your input :)

author comment

I was never clever at school, as you say all is learning,
in the end it is ourselves who are the best teachers!

Ann on her own cloud of old age. (Ann72)

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Thanks ann,but my reflection has always been in muddy waters,lol, so hard to capture,And the mirror one,looks like i have been dead a long time lol

author comment

John, firstly welcome to Neopoet site and I hope that your journey with us will be to all our good..
I liked this one, but now I give the children back to whom they belong, LOL.
Just a couple of Typo's

beets------Beats
Don't make ound-------- A sound
I,m on safe ground------ use the '''''''''' instead of the comma,,,,,it is usually under the @ key button ..
Look forward to more fun words from you, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thanks Ian,greatly apreciated,acepting critisim has never been a problem of mine,and am still,at the ripe young age of 61,Learning,lol,

author comment
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