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Kaleidoscope
I write poems
so as to give life to the words.
With a beautiful red silk
ribbon,
I tie a bow
on each one’s neck.
As I’m holding them into my fist,
they seem like spring butterflies.
They start to fly,
wandering happily into my room.
Every time, I see a swarm of them above my page,
I am so grateful.
Grateful to see them hovering around,
telling me how different this world would be,
if only it was made of
butterflies and flowers.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Race_9togo
Sun, 2022-01-16 00:08
Not bad, but I think it needs some work.
As someone who was famous on this site, but it now no longer with us, said to me when I was learning how to write decent poetry (still learning!),
"Your poem is too prosaic, too wordy."
So here are some suggestions.
"I write poems
so as to give life to the words."
How about something like this...
"I write poems
to give bright life to words."
You can see how the line flows more easily, and the addition of the word "bright" adds to the imagery.
Of course, this is merely a suggestion; I'm sure that you will find some alternatives that will be better.
also,
"As I’m holding them into my fist"
the word "into" should be "in"
There are more, but I think you'll find them. Try reading your poem aloud. This will show you where the lines stutter, or make the reader hesitate, and you'll be able to come up with some alternatives.
I do like the metaphor, and I look forward to reading your next edit of this.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo