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Journey to Paradise

Tired bird, Darling bird
Spread your wings wide

Let your feathers kiss the sky
no direction to any where
You'll find your destination
come what may

Fly, my darling , fly
over the hills and the sea of sunflowers

Under the bridge
where the old steam trains pass

When you meet the great North Sea
take your bow and say good night

Forceful winds that carry you
high and low within soft cotton cloud

Make your journey a joyful sight
see the world with open eyes

Waste not a second, this moment is yours
salute the stars and the sun that shines

Feel the air,
reaching out to embrace each raindrop

You're nearing your rainbow
she's opening her welcome arms

Without cowardice be,

your home is near
your journey is complete.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
With the help of two great poets, Thanks to Geezer and Alan.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

try to give you my ideas without changing the tone of the poem
at all.

1] let your feathers [kiss] the sky
2] no direction [to] anywhere
3] waste not a [second]
4] [feel] the air
5] [you're] nearing your rainbow

I hope this helps smooth out the poem and lets it soar.

A very touching and fevrent prayer. ~ Gee.
.

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
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all night or on the other side of the world.
.

I absolutely love your idea's, so thank you so much. I know I was risking this one, but I sometimes need to show my work as raw, I write from my heart without too much thought to whether people are blown away or not, I know you know what I mean. I so appreciate your beautiful review and for the way you always see the best in my work.

Thank you...Teddy

author comment

my pleasure, to help if I can. Your work is always so uncomplicated and so easy to see, is why I can have good insight to what you are feeling. It is most humbling to hear of your unwavering faith in my advice and if I ever stifle your creativity by suggesting an idea that you don't feel is right for you; I want you to let me know. ~ Gee.
.

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

This feels like the passing of a spirit, taking its journey to the next phase of existence.

Geezer has given you the advice you needed to tighten up & add an extra element of depth.

"nearing your rainbow" stands out as the best line as it becomes the destination of the journey your took us on.

Unsub.

"Problem-Reaction-Solution"

You are absolutely spot on, I am really lucky that geezer can see the soul of my writing and I trust him 100%, I am truly honoured you have joined this journey and I am thrilled you could see it.

Thank you...Teddy

author comment

I’ve known Geez for a long time & he is a good guy who will unselfishly help you.

Stick with him & you’ll be alright.

Unsub.

"Problem-Reaction-Solution"

I might have used:-

Stanza 5, L. 2 ~ 'High and low within soft cotton cloud.'

Stanza 8, L. 2 ~ 'Reaching out to embrace each raindrop.'

Ultimate stanza ~ You have already said 'Your home is near' therefore I think you should stick with 'is' for the last line, say,
'Your home is near
Your journey is complete.'

No big deal though, well done.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

is a great ending Teddy. The jouney is complete ~ the poem is complete, amen.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

Thank you for your very kind review, i have edited and i have to thank you for being so sensitive to this peice, i found your words perfect in taste, this is brand new i wrote it this morning, i'm thrilled with what i have acheived today. a million thanks to you.

Thank you...Teddy

author comment

How nice to see you. Do I sence a bit of jealousy? I have t forgotten you I have been busy with the workshop. Write something magical and I will give you a review.

Thank you...Teddy

author comment

How nice to see you. Do I sence a bit of jealousy? I have t forgotten you I have been busy with the workshop. Write something magical and I will give you a review.

Thank you...Teddy

author comment

this is well written the only suggestion would be the use of the word darling twice
otherw3ise this is quite lovely and filled with images

Our chat room is not only there for Thursday afternoon chat 3:30-4:30
but it is there and ready for all to use at anytime of day come often and hook up in conversation to those across the globe

Thank you, I really wanted the two darlings because it really is the way I talk, just to have a bit of my personality inside, however this is so new and I will come back to it probably many many times to look and read. Livy to see you out and about.

Thank you...Teddy

author comment
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