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Journey to Paradise
Tired bird, Darling bird
Spread your wings wide
Let your feathers kiss the sky
no direction to any where
You'll find your destination
come what may
Fly, my darling , fly
over the hills and the sea of sunflowers
Under the bridge
where the old steam trains pass
When you meet the great North Sea
take your bow and say good night
Forceful winds that carry you
high and low within soft cotton cloud
Make your journey a joyful sight
see the world with open eyes
Waste not a second, this moment is yours
salute the stars and the sun that shines
Feel the air,
reaching out to embrace each raindrop
You're nearing your rainbow
she's opening her welcome arms
Without cowardice be,
your home is near
your journey is complete.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
With the help of two great poets, Thanks to Geezer and Alan.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Author information
Region & Country
Florence (Italy)
Favorite Poets
Those who have the courage to inspire, Oscar Wilde, Dante Alighieri and William Blake, are definately amongst my favourites.
Other recent work
Active Workshops & Contests
Workshop
- Plunge Pool: Critique review basics
- Wading Pool: Idle Time Poetry
- Plunge Pool: Stream
Comments
Geezer
Mon, 2020-09-21 08:27
I am going...
try to give you my ideas without changing the tone of the poem
at all.
1] let your feathers [kiss] the sky
2] no direction [to] anywhere
3] waste not a [second]
4] [feel] the air
5] [you're] nearing your rainbow
I hope this helps smooth out the poem and lets it soar.
A very touching and fevrent prayer. ~ Gee.
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Teddy15
Mon, 2020-09-21 08:35
Dear geezer
I absolutely love your idea's, so thank you so much. I know I was risking this one, but I sometimes need to show my work as raw, I write from my heart without too much thought to whether people are blown away or not, I know you know what I mean. I so appreciate your beautiful review and for the way you always see the best in my work.
Thank you...Teddy
author commentGeezer
Mon, 2020-09-21 09:28
It is always...
my pleasure, to help if I can. Your work is always so uncomplicated and so easy to see, is why I can have good insight to what you are feeling. It is most humbling to hear of your unwavering faith in my advice and if I ever stifle your creativity by suggesting an idea that you don't feel is right for you; I want you to let me know. ~ Gee.
.
Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.
Unsub
Mon, 2020-09-21 08:45
This feels like the passing
This feels like the passing of a spirit, taking its journey to the next phase of existence.
Geezer has given you the advice you needed to tighten up & add an extra element of depth.
"nearing your rainbow" stands out as the best line as it becomes the destination of the journey your took us on.
Unsub.
"Problem-Reaction-Solution"
Teddy15
Mon, 2020-09-21 08:49
Dear unsub
You are absolutely spot on, I am really lucky that geezer can see the soul of my writing and I trust him 100%, I am truly honoured you have joined this journey and I am thrilled you could see it.
Thank you...Teddy
author commentUnsub
Mon, 2020-09-21 09:51
I’ve known Geez for a long
I’ve known Geez for a long time & he is a good guy who will unselfishly help you.
Stick with him & you’ll be alright.
Unsub.
"Problem-Reaction-Solution"
Alan S Jeeves
Mon, 2020-09-21 15:00
Good write Teddy.
I might have used:-
Stanza 5, L. 2 ~ 'High and low within soft cotton cloud.'
Stanza 8, L. 2 ~ 'Reaching out to embrace each raindrop.'
Ultimate stanza ~ You have already said 'Your home is near' therefore I think you should stick with 'is' for the last line, say,
'Your home is near
Your journey is complete.'
No big deal though, well done.
.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................
Alan S Jeeves
Mon, 2020-09-21 15:48
'Your journey is complete'...
is a great ending Teddy. The jouney is complete ~ the poem is complete, amen.
.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................
Teddy15
Mon, 2020-09-21 15:52
Dearest Alan
Thank you for your very kind review, i have edited and i have to thank you for being so sensitive to this peice, i found your words perfect in taste, this is brand new i wrote it this morning, i'm thrilled with what i have acheived today. a million thanks to you.
Thank you...Teddy
author commentlovedly
Mon, 2020-09-21 17:40
I NEVER EVER thought of another PARADISE
BUT this Earth
Teddy15
Mon, 2020-09-21 16:45
Dear Lovedly
How nice to see you. Do I sence a bit of jealousy? I have t forgotten you I have been busy with the workshop. Write something magical and I will give you a review.
Thank you...Teddy
author commentTeddy15
Mon, 2020-09-21 16:45
Dear Lovedly
How nice to see you. Do I sence a bit of jealousy? I have t forgotten you I have been busy with the workshop. Write something magical and I will give you a review.
Thank you...Teddy
author commentc lynn brooks
Tue, 2020-09-22 14:56
Teddy
this is well written the only suggestion would be the use of the word darling twice
otherw3ise this is quite lovely and filled with images
Our chat room is not only there for Thursday afternoon chat 3:30-4:30
but it is there and ready for all to use at anytime of day come often and hook up in conversation to those across the globe
Teddy15
Tue, 2020-09-22 15:01
Dear Chrys
Thank you, I really wanted the two darlings because it really is the way I talk, just to have a bit of my personality inside, however this is so new and I will come back to it probably many many times to look and read. Livy to see you out and about.
Thank you...Teddy
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