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Josef K.'s Dream

Compelled to wander the oceans of night
lifted merely by the clapping of wings
a terror from above in spheres of light
the mousefolk tremble, the maiden sings
a symphony in motion intending death
no comfort of Love in the Judgement breath

No shackle nor link of silver or gold
the promise of freedom beneath
no statement of truth nor truth to behold
the statue walks humble in shadow & wreath
the ledger by slate in circles of fire
the volcanic kingdom of unjust desire

The wheeling illusion, the summit of faith
the mountain of God in the crown
the minister's fate, the axeman's wraith
the staircase of Jacob driven into the ground
the tenet's of truth in their deepest flame
the subtereign river of vision's beldame

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

your poem is one of those complex writes that makes me want to go back to it.

IRiz

what this poem is about. Great words, the craft of rhyme, excellent sound, individually compelling images...but without leading this reader into the soul of the poem, the central core, I have no takeaway, no emotion, no feeling.
To some poets in our modern literary scene, that's what poetry is. An abstract painting at least can be hung on the walls, and match the furniture. I think something of a poem must "mean", as well as just "be". It is not for the poet to explain the poem, that is not at all what I mean, but also not to hide behind the poem, not giving the reader any clues as to the intent.
This is a very personal opinion of mine, but that is the purpose of this site. It is a workshop, and at a real live workshop, that is what I would be saying about this work.
All the great and treasured poems of our times may have abstract brush strokes and images, but we know what the poem about.
I look forward to other works by this fine craftsman that I can be part of.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

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