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IN JANUARY

The new year is days now in the past
and rush of holidays is gone
while winter's heart approaches fast
with white frost greeting every dawn.

I snug my hat on old bare head,
hunch shoulders in my thick wool coat.
Instead of warm I'm far from bed
where breaths of chill air burn my throat.

That same breeze sighs through the hardwood
and hushes sounds among the pines.
I'll not walk as far as I once could
and keep alert for tripping vines.

With staff in hand I set my course
to follow a long gentle slope
which tapers off at a spring's source.
Old legs should handle that, I hope.

The puddles which are passed are froze.
Jack frost crunches underneath my feet,
but I'm warm in boots and layered clothes
and proceed with an uneven beat.

Each log or stump I come upon
gives an excuse to pause for rest .
Old days of steady treks are gone,
yet, I guess, I am still blessed.

For I recall too many people
who once used to walk with me.
They now rest shaded by some steeple
no more the wilderness to see.

Each break I take invites the chill
so I don't rest in one place for long.
These piney woods are vast and still,
a place I feel like I belong.

The spring I seek comes into sight.
as frost melt patters off the trees
from the sun's wan warming light
which fails to ease my aching knees.

With fading frost comes signs of life:
A gray squirrel scampers up a tree
perhaps in search of a new wife.
I step, he stops to bark at me.

But I pay him little heed
Instead I go sit on a boulder
where I rest old legs when they're in need
where newts dream while mosses molder.

So here I find myself again,
this time in the winter's deep
thinking of the times I've been
at this place when spring tree frogs peep.

Both my breath and heart slow down.
Fleet shadow passes over me
making me look up and frown,
a lone crow flying over silently.

My thoughts and mind review this scene
both seeing these woods through the years,
recalling them both gray and green.
Sometimes the view was blurred by tears.

But usually my green eyes were clear
and sometimes they were not alone.
I'd show this place to someone dear
while listening to the dry flies' drone.

Alas, like the year now newly gone
too many close companions left
seeking out their final dawn,
each one leaving me bereft.

Down wind a deer exhales a snort.
It cares not that the season's over.
Today's quarry is another sort
than one which relishes rich clover.

My prey is quiet with peace of mind.
My prey is long lost memories.
I stalk the past left far behind.
My prey will likely elude me.

While I sit on a log beside this spring
some tightness grows within my chest.
I think, now, this is a new thing,
perhaps to leave now would be best.

But I hear a turkey take to wing
and barred owl's voice though it's midday
while a far coyote starts to sing.
This day's unique now in its way.

My staff releases from numb hand.
I lie slowly down to take a rest
where somber gray sentinels stand
far below the ridge's crest.

So on my back I rest a while
watching clouds and crows and time drift by
wearing, unknown, a wistful smile.
This would be a perfect day to die.

But that will come another day.
I've things to loved ones yet to say.
So I rise on legs which barely sway
then turn around and walk away.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
I would like to thank everybody who went through this longish poem with me and gave me their much appreciated thoughts on it. I was so shocked at the amount of positive response I got on this poem that it led me to submit this as well as a few other poems for publication in a book of various poets. To my further shock all were accepted and are now in a book titled "The Elegance Of Rhyming Poetry" which is available via Amazon. For this I owe everybody here who has ever read and/or commented on my stuff over the last few years my deepest thanks. It is ya'll and workshops such as this(Wes) that made this possible.............stan
Editing stage: 

Comments

As usual a grand piece of writing, only thing I can see that really stopped me was "My Prey" although the things you are hunting for, I think they made to much noise in the undergrowth of life and were frightened away lol.
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I had hesitated about that much repetition in one stanza. I'll keep trimming down the repeats in first edit............stan

author comment

I have often criticised your insistence on pastoral themes yet this is a poem I wish I could have written (in my arrogance that's the highest praise I can give)

Nothing's perfect
are deep and still. [almost Frost plagiarism]

Fleet shadow passes over me
making me look up and frown
at crow flying over silently. [your idiosyncratic insistence on breaking form, it is not pronounced silentleee]

Wesley's superb explanation of
Exposition- tell the audience what you are going to talk about.
Complication- talk about it.
Climax- make your most important point or points.
Resolution- tell the audience what you talked about.
http://www.neopoet.com/comment/98049#comment-98049
is all fulfilled here, despite my nit-picking.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I was aware that deep and still is darn close to Frost's line when I wrote it. But "deep" is such a great way of conveying what I meant to say...grumble grumble...I'll see if I can find a word equally good 'cause I don't like stealing from others. The crow flying silently line. I know the rhythm is off. I found that the 1st time I read this. But I thought it best to leave this poem in as near raw form as I could for shop purposes. In this instance the change in meter adds nothing so I'll try to correct it. Now for the silently/me rhyming...It must be a difference in accent because in the only proper form of English ( southern) it rhymes well lol. .....stan PS I'll have You writing something pastoral before I'm through lmao

author comment

nobody would have noticed if they didn't know you were a Frost freak. Writing to your reader is always an important consideration, it's just that we know you and your strange ways here [grins]

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

A lovely piece captured with quite great detailed imagery.
Sometimes I felt rhymes forced especially towards the end.

As we're supposed to do some proofreading, I thought I'd draw your attention to S6 line2
gives[s]?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Thank you. I made no changes in this after I wrote it down in its raw form. And yes I agree that some of the rhymes are a bit forced. Hopefully I can improve that upon editing..........stan

author comment

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title? --- I would have just called it 'January'

How was my language use? --- superb nothing else I can say here

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing? --- it was wonderful there were a couple of places I think could be smoother but all in all its brilliant

How does this theme appeal to you? --- as you know I have always loved your walks but this ones bookmarked forever its my new favourite

How was the beginning/ending of the poem? --- I cant praise you high enough for your work on this poem and I couldn't believe it was a first draft

This was such a pleasure to read and I am glad I chose this one to come to tonight

love always JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

i must confess that I do a lot more in head editing than I used to before writing each line. For the title I wanted to covey the protagonist being immersed in the month. As I said above I know this is far from perfect in many areas but decided to post it in raw form because I thought that's what Wes wanted. I can't believe there have been no typos spotted. Maybe I should preview it and insert some because it just ain't right for me to have no typos lol.........stan

author comment

DONT insert typos you did a great job with this one now onto my further thoughts ---

The new year is days in the past
and rush of holidays is gone --- I would insert a comma here
while winter's heart approaches fast. --- removing the full stop here
White frost now greets 'most every dawn.

I snug my hat on old bare head. --- another removal of a full stop
hunch shoulders in my warmest coat. --- inserting a comma here
Instead of warm at home I'm here
where breathing chill breeze burns my throat.

That same air sighs through the hardwood
and shushes all amongst the pines.
I'll not walk far as I once could
and keep alert for tripping vines.

With staff in hand I set my course
to follow a long gentle slope
which tapers of at a spring's source. --- another full stop removal
Old legs should handle that, I hope.

The puddles which are passed are froze.
Jack frost crunches underneath my feet,
but I'm warm in boots and layered clothes --- another full stop removal
and proceed with an uneven beat.

Every log or stump I come upon
give an excuse to pause and rest. --- comma instead of a full stop
The days of steady treks are gone
yet, to me, I am still blessed.

For I recall too many people
who once used to walk with me. --- comma instead of a full stop
They now rest in shadow of some steeple
nevermore the wilds to see.

Each pause I take invites the chill
so I don't rest in one place too long.
These piney woods are deep and still.
A place I feel like I belong. --- too many full stops again LOL I am beginning to sound repetitive

The spring I seek comes into sight
as frost melts and patters from the trees
from the sun's wan warming light
which seems to ease my aching knees.

With fading frost comes signs of life.
A gray squirrel scampers up a tree
perhaps in search of a new wife.
I step, he stops to bark at me. --- full stops again Jesus sorry Stan

OK I stopped editing I cant find any spelling mistakes I read it over twice, I think there are way too many full stops and not enough commas in this piece.

I cant fault the language use or the imagery its an excellent poem as I said last night, the punctuation is really the only thing that I can see that [in my mind] needs any real attention

I will be returning as much as I can in the editing stages

love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

What you are saying (stop) Is that this poem(stop) reads too much (stop) like a western union telegram (stop) lol.I'll read this aloud again and see which changes you suggested should be implemented in edit . One I'm pretty sure I'll leave as is is S-6, l-2. I think the period there enhances the line being about taking a rest..........stan

author comment

pmsl !! I laughed out loud and scared Shy [the dog] funny man

I think you know what I mean [stop] giggle

love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

For now I would like to proofread.
Stanza 1, line 4- "most" doesn't need to be a contraction of "almost".
S2, L1- I will mention articles because I'm working on them myself. I think you need "an" old, bare head.
S2, L2- If the period after "head" is real, you need to capitalize this line.
S4, L3- I believe this is a typo and should read "off".
S6, L2- "log or stump" is plural, so "give" should be "gives".
S13, L4- This may work. At first I thought it needed to be "a" crow then thought it could mean a bunch and you needn't pluralize "crow" with an "s".
S16, L4- You are using "bereft" as a noun. It is a verb. We must be bereft of "something".
S18, L1- I'm not sure "and" works. Maybe "with"?
S20, L2- "thought" is past tense, "it's" present tense. We need either "think/it's" or "thought/it was".
Like I said, I will address the poem as a whole later in the shop. This is all the damage I can cause proofreading. Though I will say I liked the length and the fact you used a traditional subject for you. It gives us an opportunity to talk about your poetry in general.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I did a quick check of your comment. The only obvious one I'll argue with (when I'm not so tired) is "bereft in S-16,l-4.which is used as an adverb in this case..............stan

author comment

I have always been a fan of your poems which create a wonderful imagery especially when you open your mind in poetry about what you visualize and feel during your time out in nature...much has already been said by others and being the rough edit stage i am sure you will be working on it during the edits..so i will keep coming back to see how you sharpen the focus of this wonderful story...

raj (sublime_ocean)

thank you

author comment

Sorry for the late visit...this has been quite a week. I am not much for winter but this is a lovely write. Depicted January in a warm and inviting way...well done

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

I wanted to say a bit about exposition/complication.This poem is a marvelous example for me to showcase. We open on a walk surrounded by imagery (exposition). We then think of those who have died only to be nigh oppressed by life (complication). This now goes back and forth between life and our dying, old man. To me the climax is in the resolution of the last stanza and I love the multiple rhyme. I hope all note this piece as an example of how the components will be used.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

You must really be scraping the bottom of the barrel to use any of my scribbles for an example lmao. But seriously I always assumed almost any poem needed a beginning, middle and end. Hopefully this longish poem can illustrate how changing the ending of a poem from what the reader likely expects can be an effective way to enhance recollection of a poem. I guess we'll talk about changes in meter and rhyme pattern a little later............stan BTW you should delete the comma between dying and old

author comment

(or possibly upside the head)
Remember my admonition about self-deprecation? In many people it is a way of fishing for compliments. It certainly achieves nothing except to put down the integrity and intelligence of the person originally complimenting you. Think about that, my friend, before you automatically put shit on yourself again.

Self-deprecation is not admirable modesty. It is not useful or admirable in any way.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

If one can't laugh at oneself who can he laugh at. And I Was laughing (note the lmao) when I wrote this. And stand by for a blog in which I crassly toot my own horn .................stan

author comment

Not all think that way. I read poems all the time that just wander.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I once took a public speaking course. The professor said the structure of a speech is simple : 1. tell them what you're going to say. 2. Then tell them. 3. And lastly, tell them what you said. Poetry isn't that much different lol......stan

author comment

Exposition, complication... is exactly that.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I was just saying that I agree and that narrative structure doesn't apply to only poetry.........stan

author comment

BUT what the hell were you thinking with all those bloody asterisks? I posted
The "Edit" and "Revisions" tabs
http://www.neopoet.com/comment/98244#comment-98244
in the workshop thread and again as a blog
http://www.neopoet.com/weirdelf/blog/sat-2014-01-18-1700
and abloodygain as a forum.
http://www.neopoet.com/forum/13572
The asterisks are unnecessary and annoying. That's what the Revisions tab is for, and it does a better job, showing the changes side by side.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

You know better than that (chuckle). I guess I thought there might be somebody who was not aware of revisions tab. But never fear as there is going to be at least one more edit and I'll get rid of asterisks then........stan

author comment

Which I thank you for Jess.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

this is beautiful. i love the story, the imagination..can you recommend me some good books to help me describe better in my poems?

alid

Thank you. I have read few books of poetry, so I would not feel right to recommend a book. I expect any poetry anthology would be good. But what I do is try to include as many details as I can. I will likely be running another workshop on imagery before too long. That might help a bit. I appreciate your taking the time to visit and read this lengthy write...........stan

author comment

i don't mind lengthy because i enjoy reading

Let me invite you to check my comments on "imagery" in the workshop's syllabus thread. I offer some small description of several tools the poet uses to create this imagery. There are many more, but it will give you something to think about.
If Stan does a workshop on "Imagery", I wholly recommend it.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Thank you for the lesson.

Alid

This poem is just lovely - I felt a kaleidoscope of emotions while I was reading - from nostalgic sadness to wistful smiles. I think you have put a great deal of effort, time and attention into this well crafted poem - unfortunately I can't compare it to the original, ( due to my late arrival ) but you have certainly come up trumps with the revised model!

All in all I'd say ten our of ten!

Well done

Love Mand xxxxxx

I am pleased you liked this as there was a bit more effort than usual put into it. You can see the original as well as the changes made by hitting revisions I think. I appreciate your dropping by...........stan

author comment

Yep! Thanks.

There should be a way to put up a historical marker here. ME giving computer advice surely qualifies for one lol.........stan

author comment

"a" historical

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I think if you check you will find that this word can be either "A' or "an". Ain't English strange ?..............stan

author comment

... when that word is spoken without the "h". I also hate it when so called "educated" people add an "r" to words like "warsh". It sounds ugly and clumsy.
Grrrr.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Good old English lol. My spell check always say "ya'll" is a misspell. That addition of an R sound is an Arkansas thing. It is often added to the end of a word eg Arkansasr. i myself enjoy the different dialects. I think it adds spice to a language . "youse guys"," My cah is in the yawd", and all those others. But I'll bend to opinion and change this time...........stan

author comment

Adding your own interpretation line by line not only messes up the Revisions function it utterly spoils the poem for reading. It also feels really controlling. Yes, Wes asked for our own interpretations but surely you could have done it in a comment.
As with Ian, even though you have annoyed me, I will do a reading. [adopts a long-suffering martyr pose]

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0zWTjaG4Dh7

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I seldom aggravate people on purpose. And I had no idea what I did would mess up the revisions function. I though this would be easier for the reader to be able to read along and have explanations of intent right there as they read instead of having to consult back and forth from a list of commentary notes. Hmmm....since it apparently Does befuddle the revision function, I'll retype the entire poem as it is here in a comment box then edit out the interpretations from the stream version(which I was going to do later anyhow). It will be this afternoon before time allows this. I'll see how much it costs to send you a crucifix to mount your long suffering self upon (chuckle)...........stan

author comment

Chuck Bukowski,
oh, I've got plenty of crucify (sic?) well done on the whole process

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

The version I'd heard is that you're not really paranoid if they really Are out to get you . I wonder if 2 paranoids are a pair a paranoids lmao..........stan

author comment

I have always been told that a Para noid is a parachutist that advertises pizzas from Dominoes, I googled it and up came:- Now Wait for it---------
The Noid (voiced by Pons Maar) is an advertising character for Domino's Pizza created in the 1980s. Clad in a red, skin-tight, rabbit-eared body suit with a black N inscribed in a white circle,
The Noid was a physical manifestation of all the challenges (becoming annoyed—"a noid") "Avoid the Noid!" was a slogan from the 80's.
I am told that they use to find people in central park looking skyward whilst eating pizzas afraid that the Para noid might fall out of the sky asking for money--- Yours Sparrow

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

So many things come only in pairs : parachutes, paramedics, paranoids, paragliders, paraphenalia, para military, ...heck even Paraguay lol. And this list goes on and on into parallel deminsions........stan ( pardon the misspells but this hardly deserves editing )

author comment

Very good.
I'd heard it this way. "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you."

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I appreciate your walking us through your mindset while crafting this beautiful poem. For me it confirmed that i wasn't way off in perceiving. It was certainly nice walking through this again which to me reveals how much thought goes into your writes, which is not the case with me, but certainly an area of improvement.

Thanks for taking the extra efforts in the form of elaboration..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I fear I only went part way in following shop instructions. I think I was also supposed to point out all poetic devices used and where they were used. But I kinda figure all involved in this shop were now capable of spotting them on their own so instead I tried to show how this scribble evolved as I wrote it. It might also be helpful in illustrating how a narrative or story poem can develop. I'm happy you and others were willing to journey through this poem with me from start to almost completed draft............stan

author comment

You will find the reading rough. It's been a while since I visited this so I didn't pre-read but read aloud straight from the page. This in itself should show you where natural stumbles of wording or meter occur. I know you are still having problems with sound on your computer but surely you can try it on a neighbours, an internet cafe or library, I do believe hearing one's verse in another's voice, especially someone with a different accent, is invaluable.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1GXmwofq4J0

However I will explicate a little. The verse is nearly flawless. You are really starting to make your irregularities in meter work rather than jar. A few tiny suggestions:
S3L2
and shushes sounds among the pines. [sh shes s-s is a tad awkward, perhaps muffles or sound singular]
S5L2
Jack frost crunches underneath my feet, [Jack is redundant, meter-wise and a tad cliche]
S6L2
gives an excuse to pause and rest [an is redundant}
S6L4
yet, to me, I still am blessed. [yet, to me, I am still blessed. better meter and more natural]
S11L3-4
The jump in length between lines 1-2 and 3-4 is disruptive
But I pay him little mind. [But I pay him only little mind.]
Instead I go on to a boulder [tramp or trudge instead of go?]
where I often rest both legs and mind, [tricky, needs shortening- a place of rest for legs and mind? Also, of course, it is a repeated word rhyme]
where newts sleep while mosses molder [where mosses molder, newts supine?]
My version
But I pay him only little mind
I climb instead a rising rock
where mosses molder, newts supine
a place for legs and mind that's kind

This next one is really nit-picking but a pet peeve of mine in rhyming poetry
V13L2-4
Fleet shadow passes over me
making me look up and frown
a lone crow flying over silently.
[me is a strong/stressed rhyme, silently is a weak/unstressed rhyme]
V16L1-3
My mind and eyes turn multi-screen. [multi-screen is high tech and doesn't suit the tone of the poem] perhaps
My mind and eyes know where I've been
these woods have changed throughout the years,
reviewing all the sights I've seen
sometimes the view was blurred by tears.
V20L4
My prey is quiet with peace of mind.
My prey is long lost memories.
I stalk the past left far behind.
My prey will likely elude me.
[My prey 3 times is maybe a bit much, here is a radically different way, with a better rhyme
It has gone the way of elegies
V22L2
and a barred owl's voice though it's midday [just for elegance, perhaps less accurate]
and a barred owl's voice despite the day

Some of these suggestions are not great, and perhaps even detract, maybe just use them to have another look at the lines in question.

Overall a beautifully crafted, thoughtful and touching poem. It could be published as it is.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

for doing an in depth critique per my request. There are a few of you suggestions I'm going to let go by the wayside. Such as the Jack frost being redundant. Frost and jack frost are two distinct and different things. Jack frost only occurs on almost bare ground on only the coldest nights. The water freezes out of the ground and forms miniature ice towers which are impossible to walk on without making noise. Regular frost is seen on covered ground and trees. (As an aside I only twice have seen jack frost on tree limbs. Both times when an extreme cold front followed on the heels of soaking rain. I was there at dawn. Just after the sun fully rose a wind came up and shook the jack frost off the trees into the sunlight. It was as if millions of prisms were falling through the air. To this day it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen). In stanza 20. I originally began all 4 lines with "my prey". I think I'll leave it as is. S-3,L-2 again there Is a difference between pausing and resting. In this context the pause is a pause in trek and the rest is to sit upon a log or stump to relieve tired legs.Stanza 13. I think the stress on final syllable in "silently" may well be different here than it is in your neck of the woods.Every time I say silently, the last syllable is stressed.

I am going to give your other ideas serious consideration though. I might not use your exact changes though because that might be considered copying lol. That damned "multi-screen" thing has bugged the dickens out of me since I first wrote it. The word is precise in what I want to convey but as you say, it doesn't really fit well. I might have to reword that entire stanza in order to convey what I want and maintain the atmosphere of this poem.When the part of the title which mentions workshop and final edit disappear you will know I'm on verge of sending it to the editor. I'll give you a holler then and let you have another go at the changes if you want. Thanks again for your time and effort..........stan PS I just realized why the line with shushes in it bothers you. When you were a librarian you had to say that too often lmao............stan

author comment

I refer to my Librarianship degree as my "License to Shush".

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Very fine poem and you have displayed the creative process of Neopoet and poetry in general to high degree.

One thing you said bothers me a little. "I might not use your exact changes though because that might be considered copying lol." They are suggestions freely given, you should feel free to use them, verbatim, if you choose. This is important because at this stage of fine-tuning meter, rhyme and imagery the infinite choices of our language become severely limited. If you can't use a suggestion I have offered then I am robbing you of a choice by making a suggestion! Think about it. You can use suggestions verbatim if you choose.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I think I did use some suggestions without change because I was unable to think of an alternative which would be better. The great thing about suggestions is that whether they're used or not they point out places where alternative phrasing could be useful and thus get a writer to thinking (with resultant headache lol) and not just about the specific areas where suggestions are made but to the poem in general. Hence All suggestions are valuable. I will now let this sit a day or three before I send off the already printed poem to The South Carolina Review(a university literary magazine) and see what happens. ....................stan

author comment

much improved.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Never fails to amaze me how revisiting a poem after it sits a while makes some changes so obvious lol.

author comment

I never leave a poem alone and it's one reason why I'm not writing much on my epic poem right now because I'm editing. You ever edit a 24,000 line poem... even one you like? It's like walking through a dark tunnel unable to breath, sloshing in filth, scraping, scratching...

I'm alright.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Even editing a poem as long as your epic begins with a single line. So don't despair just take a bunch of baby steps and ere long you'll find yourself done..........just in time to edit it again lol

author comment

I am not shoked though. Your poetry has an unresistable elegance that any publisher would feel honored to work with.
Again... Congratulations!!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Thank you. Even a blind hog finds an occasional acorn lol

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