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It Is I, Who Loves Thee More Than The Sun

It is I, who loves thee more than the sun
With fiery eyes and golden locks undone,
No man presumes such tender gasp of breath,
Such beauty could send my lungs to their death

Let’s not weep for sins, but rejoice each day
All the stars, the moon and indeed the clay.
Let not, the weeping willow die so young.
Saved the sweet honey from bees who have stung

Dusk until dawn, to your love I have clung,
Dreaming of a world that sing songs unsung.
I who dies, in the forest of your heart

It's I, whom will die in the forest dark
But wait no, I shall never lay me down,
Thou shall be loved, to thee I take my bow.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Dear Friends, did i write my first sonnet? It'a life long dream for me! there are just so many rules my mind becomes spaghetti junction...
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Hi, Teddy!
Standing ovation, here! I know little about structured poetry, going to attempt one in a bit myself, but this appears to have the 14 lines, 10 syllables. The content and meaning are bold, yet tender. Love it! (Did you mean bees as in plural?)
Thank you!
L

Oh wow, yes I did mean bees poor me! lol
it's taken a long time to get it like this and I am still sure it's not a full sonnet. It's always a pleasure to see you on my page and thank you for the encouragement, now I shall edit my bee's hugs to you kind friend.

Thank you...Teddy

author comment

I have it on very good Italian word that I have made a sonnet, yes it is not strict to Shakespeare that I wanted, however it is still sonnet. But I would also like to say that if I have failed then so be it, I am a poet trying until I get it right.

That's what this is a workshop, I am glad you have a teddy for a dog.
I just want. A sonnet and the Italian version will do. If indeed I have succeeded, thank you for your kind words
Maybe I should take some tips from your dog? lol

Thank you...Teddy

author comment

14 lines and a volta (usually at line 9 or line 13). You have created your volta at 13 here.
The trick is to fit all you need to say into 14 lines and get the volta correct.
You don't even need to count syllables these days, although perfect metre is satisfying and will gain you points in a contest.
Even stress and un-stress are in the eyes of the beholder:
The best advise is not to get involved in what is or is not a sonnet.

Volta: What masters don't seem to tell students is that you can hear a volta. If you listen to Beethoven's wonderful, c.1810 bagatelle 'Für Elise' it is played in the sad key of A minor. However at bar 9 (in 3/8 time) the mood completely changes to C major. A joy to your ears.
It is the sonneteer's task to put the music into words, after all a sonnet is a 'small song'.
And always remember what I told you about the ox...

May this be the first of many...

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

Your reply is posted down! Under Rula! Confusion sorry!

Thank you...Teddy

author comment

I think you've excelled here and surpassed yourself with your first sonnet.
Bravo! Keep up your great work.
Thanks for sharing dear!

BTW... Do you think the title is a bit long?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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I think the first and last! lol but if you like it then I have written something for sure to be proud of! Yes title too long the original was "my love for sonnet" and it was that I was speaking within these lines. But then on studying old style I saw that you can also use the first line of the sonnet.

Thank you...Teddy

author comment

If I could choose to here these words from anyone it would be from you. Apart from the fact it has taken around 3 years to achieve (now I'm laughing at myself) I truly appreciate your valued insight as I know you are an expert poet and of course a modest one at that. (That's what make you truly special) as a critic on Neopoet, You don't come with snobbery you genuinly leave food for thought and not just crummy scraps. I appreciate you very much, I am a very proud person this evening even if it's not a tasteful sonnet to all. Dante told me it was! lol the title I thought added to the sonnet as in the old times they used to use the first line. As I studied with Latin, But my old title was "my love for sonnet" and indeed is what I am actually talking about in this poem! Just incase it wasn't clear, bloody sonnet took too long! I am really tired now!

Thank you...Teddy

author comment

Ex animo, ASJ

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

She who has earned the rose may bear it!

(Wow)

Thank you...Teddy

author comment

I see that you have changed the format.

Good morning!

I haven't changed a thing ,

I don't think I would ever touch this now. It's been an ambition for many years.

Thank you...Teddy

author comment

Good morning!

I haven't changed a thing ,

I don't think I would ever touch this now. It's been an ambition for many years.

Thank you...Teddy

author comment

on your first sonnet! Not that I really know, as [I am not, by any means a technical writer], but it looks and sounds great! I figure that as long as it looks and sounds great, it is! ~ Geez.
.

Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

you came!!!! i think i will drink some champas now! LOL oh boy, this has taken near on 3 years so today my friend i am exausted! i am pleased as punch to have you here, and you know like i said in last few words, my head turned into spaghetti junction for sure, i am a free verse writer so for me this is the trophy of all trophies! i can't imagine ever writing another one, but never say never. Geezer i wanted to tell you something, i have been reading your stuff and i can honestly say that "NO FEET" sent me to bed with the giggles, and as for the bbq with killler well that made me less so, heart warmed, lol , remember " bird without wings" not without feet LOL !!!!! Have a great friday dear one.

Thank you...Teddy

author comment

half the sonnet
but glad your own kind
sonnet we define
ababcdcdefeF and gg ===14 LINES
For SYLLABLES I HAVE NO TIME
so many wanting comments from me
standing in a long line
four sites

be happy 15 T

Thanks so much for being here.

Thank you...Teddy

author comment

you have more fortitude then I to pen a sonnet nice work and conrats on the attempt

Let your mercy spill on all those
burning hearts in hell( L.Cohen)

It took me just three years! I am so very proud of it. So thank you for coming to read.

Thank you...Teddy

author comment
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