Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
intimacy
intimacy
We rose up slowly
As if
We didn´t belong to the outside world
Any more
like swimmers in the shadowy dream
we didn´t need to breethe
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
valene
Tue, 2016-10-25 13:16
I get where you're going
Hi there,
Your title drew me in and I think you've captured the idea of intimacy. I do have a change to suggest to give it a better flow. After reading it out loud cos that helps me at times get a handle on things heres what I'm thinking:
We rose up slowly
No longer a part of the outside world
Like swimmers in the shadowy dream
We held on till we caught a breath
It's just a thought and if you don't agree I totally understand!
Bets wishes,
val