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Intelligence Decimated
There are those who should refrain
after inheriting a brain
from their blind inane beliefs
of god, witchdoctors and spirit thieves
blinded by the tales
of a man held up by nails
their version of good and badness
evokes a sickening sadness
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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Comments
Sparrow
Tue, 2016-09-27 19:12
Pumba
Firstly welcome to Neopoet site and I hope you will have a great learning time here..
Your first piece seems to take apart all the beliefs but in doing so there must be something left, there are no voids in beliefs.. Have a great time here and I look forward to your next piece, and I hope it has a better theme.
I think you are our first from Portugal just spread the word on your Face Book,
Yours Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
weirdelf
Wed, 2016-09-28 06:19
Good to see
Strong feedback for new members,
onya mate.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Keith Logan
Fri, 2016-09-30 08:40
Or my own thought
God save us from religious zealots.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
weirdelf
Wed, 2016-09-28 06:21
Like Gemma this reflects a lot of my beliefs too.
Nicely constructed, sound rhyme and meter.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Pumba
Wed, 2016-09-28 06:23
Thank you Sparrow, Gemma and Weirdelf
I was very nervous about posting and appreciate your kind words.
author commentPumba
Wed, 2016-09-28 08:57
I have to ask, Sparrow,
What is wrong with the theme?
I think it is pretty clear that I am attacking faith. Why does something have to replace it? Surely not another faith.
author commentSparrow
Wed, 2016-09-28 15:48
Pumba
Many poets will say that the theme has been thrashed to death. There are loads of people that will echo your words and to me that is the problem, Echoes.
Nothing to do with he quality of your work a the rest of the critique says..
I look forward to reading more of your works,
Yours Ian.T
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
Geezer
Wed, 2016-09-28 21:53
I like everything...
about this poem. As W.E. says; it has everything a good poem needs. As to the question of trashing faith? Everyone believes in something. Even if it is not believing, as in: "I don't believe in anything. "I have faith, that there is nothing to have faith in". No problem here. We won't know until we have passed from this world, if there is anything beyond. At least, I haven't had anyone come back to tell me about it. Hope that you enjoy being here at Neo. Nothing to fear here, we are pretty well accustomed to just about any belief espoused. You just keep on writing whatever strikes your fancy. I guarantee that no one will chastise you for what you write about. [Well, maybe some might... but it will never be a persecution.] We accept all good poetry! ~ Geezer.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
weirdelf
Thu, 2016-09-29 10:04
I have seen someting in Pumbas'poem I am surprised no-one picked
"of god, witchdoctors, indian chiefs"
Indian chiefs are not religious leaders. It could be construed as racist.
She wants to retain the rhyme. Any suggestions?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Sparrow
Thu, 2016-09-29 18:55
Jess
A good end to that would be, "And Spirit Thieves" Indicating those that destroy by miss representation the Spirit of Man..
Just a thought Young Man!!
Yours as always, Ian.
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
weirdelf
Fri, 2016-09-30 03:01
well done, youngster!
I hope she picks up on it.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Pumba
Fri, 2016-09-30 04:11
Thank you Sparrow!
I will amend my first poem in your honour.
author commentSparrow
Fri, 2016-09-30 04:20
Pumba
Thank you for the insertion of the Spirit Thieves, as Jess said the North American Indian Chiefs are leaders and not usually religious people, they as in most older civilisations have Spiritual leaders, looking into the beliefs of these people would give you another facet in life.
Take care young one,
Yours Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
Keith Logan
Fri, 2016-09-30 08:49
Or possibly
from their blind, inane belief
in god, witch-doctor or spirit thief.
Oh, by the way, welcome, draw up a chair and enjoy this friendly company.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
Esker
Sun, 2016-10-02 21:40
well Im not a chief...but I am native
chieftans..scots had em...irish..african warring countries
poor old rhwanda...and the pesky Swiss!
and I do believe in God and Jesus..however this is
not a revival meeting...No conversion needed
I saw a few turned away by their faith by being shunned
no fault of their own or the human leaders corrupt or
worse...many charltans abound....Self faith is good!
this is a good poem..Not lambasting which is much
like the righteous..
Thank U!