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Instant Love...

Submitted by Geezer on Tue, 2017-07-18 19:22

Shall I tell you all about myself
Shall I tell you who I am?
You've read the form that I filled out
Seen my face on computer cam

My likes and dislikes, my taste in clothes
What I like to eat for lunch
Do you think that we should ever meet?
I'm liking you a bunch!

Tell me all about yourself
Don't leave out a thing
I want to know what there is to know
Do you play guitar or sing?

What do you read, and talk about?
The movies that you like
I love Sci-Fi and thriller types
I ride a motorbike

Date Night ...

Well, what shall we talk about
Is there something left to say?
This date has been such a bore
At least, I like you anyway

There's nothing that I want to know
That isn't on your sheet
I guess that we are finished now
[ I'm glad it was Dutch Treat]

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
This poem is the product of a conversation that I had with someone about instant gratification.
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

brittle light

Tue, 2017-07-18 22:41

brittle light's picture

fun and self contained...no sidetracks or drifting from its purpose
one pet peeve; the word "anyways" ... the 'any ' part implies the plural...no 's' is required

...maybe the last stanza could be tightened a bit

a relevant piece on today's social conventions

thanks and regards,

Al

Geezer

Thu, 2017-07-20 22:50

Geezer's picture
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about how to tighten up the last stanza, but took your crit about the [ess]. Thanks, ~ Gee.
.

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author comment

brittle light

Thu, 2017-07-20 23:45

brittle light's picture

the 2nd line , last stanza is where I stumble

I hear it better as "that isn't on your sheet"

it's your call!

thanks,

Al

Geezer

Fri, 2017-07-21 17:49

Geezer's picture
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mention it, I do like the line that you suggested better. It sounds smoother.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Eumolpus

Sat, 2017-07-22 00:58

Eumolpus's picture

when a poem is cute, funny, Odgen Nashy, I think it just transcends critical commentary. I mean this poem is just very funny. That's not easy. Thanks.

There was this cute commercial on TV in which 2 people meet and immediately express the truth, that they expect this to suck and have already made plans for later...and the voice says "wouldn't it be great if we all just spoke the truth"...then goes on to sell something...it is very poignant.

Like your poem.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Geezer

Sat, 2017-07-22 12:00

Geezer's picture
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that commercial. I don't know if the world is ready for that kind of honesty. Most people get defensive when you say stuff like that, but it is rather cute and I get the point of the commercial. Thanks for the comparison to Ogden Nash. A poet that connects with lots of people, because of his humor and subtle sarcasm. I haven't read all of his works, but have read enough to know that he and I would have been great friends. ~ Gee.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

scribbler

Sat, 2017-07-22 12:49

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I'm not a part of the dating scene now days. Computer profiles, face book lies, smart phone phonies and cougars prowling lol.......stan

Geezer

Mon, 2017-07-24 15:12

Geezer's picture
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It was just payphones, letters, blind dates, chicks, wolves and old maids. Lol
Maybe there is a poem in there somewhere? ~ Gee.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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